My Husband's Baby Mama Will Not Stay Out of His Family!

Amanda - posted on 07/07/2016 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I have been married for 4 years and became a step mom to my step son when he was 6. (He is now 10.) The baby mama and I have never had any real problems, everything has always been pretty friendly. However, in the beginning I tried to befriend her and she made it very clear to me that she did NOT want to be my friend and that she was simply "tolerating" me for the sake and well being of her son. My husbands family invites her to family events and it never annoyed me until I felt like they were ganging up on me. I feel like I have never been accepted by one of my husband's sisters. The baby mama dated my husband for all of 4 months before she got pregnant. They were never engaged, married, or even serious. They had so many problems, my husband tried to make it worth with her ONLY for the sake of his son, and it ended up being a nightmare. She was never even CLOSE to his family until I came into the picture, so I can't help but think it is just to spite me. She showed up at my niece's baby shower and her and my sister in law talked about when the ex and my husband were together...reminiscing about certain stories. I thought it was completely inappropriate not to mention rude. On Facebook they are all up each others butts with the comments, telling each other how beautiful they are, how amazing they are as mothers, etc etc. It seems like it is really fake to me and all a show just to annoy me. I told my husband how it made me feel and he had a talk with his sister about how it was hurting my feelings. She basically told him to buzz off and she would be friends with who she wanted. I have never been mean to the sister in law, never done anything to her, and I feel that the nicer I am to her the more she hates me. I know I just have to be the bigger person and ignore it, but everytime something happens I Just feel this rage boiling up inside me. It's so wrong. Why can't his baby mama step back and realize she is trampling into my territory? I do not go into hers.. She calls my sister in law HER sister in law. She calls my nieces HER nieces. Honestly it makes her look pathetic. and I just think she should have some mutual respect. I don't understand the behavior of my sister in law either. It makes me really want to avoid her, if not be rude to her all together. I don't deserve this treatment! Any advice?

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Jodi - posted on 07/07/2016

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I'm sorry, but she is the mother of their grandchild, their nephew. That kind of means that it is actually in the best interests of the child for her to have a positive relationship with his family. In this situation, the insecurities are yours. You should work on that. Being married to him does NOT make his family your "territory" as you put it.

In your not so eloquent words, "getting knocked up by someone" actually means you are going to be connected to that person and their family forever.

I would suggest you stop looking at her as the person your husband "knocked up" and start considering her the person who is the mother to his son.

Cassidy - posted on 07/08/2016

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That's a tough awful spot. Reminiscing on past stories...yea kind of insensitive to you. My feelings would be hurt too, all these comments on here disagree with you, but if the shoes where on their feet...any women in her right mind would struggle with this, especially if your step child's mother wasn't showing the same kindness to you has she was others in the family.

Sarah - posted on 07/07/2016

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YIkes! She is family, she is blood related to all of your in-laws as she is the mother of the child. So what if they like her? So what if they post about each other on social media? So what if they reminisce about the "good old days"? If you love your husband and are secure in your own self, happy and loving to your step-son, then why let any of this bother you? Block them on social media and continue to be respectful of them when you see them.
The mother of the child is not trampling into your territory, she is connected with her child's relatives. Why does that bother you so much?

Kathy - posted on 07/08/2016

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I get it! This hurts, and I'm sorry. However, there is no way that you can control anyone except yourself...so my advice is to quit trying. Once you truly accept that fact, you will be able to have a peace about this. Try and be the most likable & loving person that you can possibly be. You can do this! Work hard on giving your new family every reason to love you. There will always be a connection here because of your stepson, no way to avoid it...so please find a way to live at peace with it! I love that your husband was willing to go to bat for you....how encouraging!

Dove - posted on 07/07/2016

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The sister-in-law is right. She does have every right to be friends w/ whoever she wants and there is nothing wrong w/ her having a relationship w/ the mother of her nephew.

If you think she is doing it just because it bothers you... ignore it. There is no rule that says family members have to be friends and there is no rule that says ex family members (regardless of how brief they were 'family' or what the relationship was like in the past) can't be friends/call themselves family.

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20 Comments

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Jodi - posted on 07/22/2016

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If she is referring to me, she obviously doesn't know me very well.....LOL.

Amanda - posted on 07/22/2016

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It clearly does bother you, or you wouldn't be so passionate, insensitive, and rude to others about it.

Amber - posted on 07/09/2016

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Amanda,
I think you have every right to be upset. Shoot I would be too. From one jealous person to another, sadly there isn't much you can do about it. Just set some distance between your husband and her. Knowing all of this upsets you he should have enough respect for you not to be alone with her or really have anything to do with her that doesn't have to do with their son. Act like she doesn't bother you, because they will continue to mess with you if they think they can get a rise from you or cause division and problems with you and your husband. As for their bestie relationship, it probably wont last. you just have to hang on till then. Best of wishes to you and stay strong!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/08/2016

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Oh, another thing, Cassidy your statement about "if she's not showing you the same kindness as the rest of the family" is again misguided. You are attempting to control how another person thinks, and feels. Not only is that not OK, it is immature and childish.

Dove - posted on 07/08/2016

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I'm not in that position (would also never marry a man who already has children though), but 'I' kept my ex's cousin and family in the divorce. Can't stand the rest of the ex-in-laws, but his one cousin is MINE and his 3 little boys are my nephews. ;) ♥

Ev - posted on 07/08/2016

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I wear shoes but on the other foot. I am the ex-wife who is still very good friends with the mother inlaw, I get along with the sisters and the one brother of the two that I have seen since the divorce and custody. My kids' step mom gets all bent out of shape when I am mentioned. My daughter had a graduation celebration at their church (dad and step mom) and was asked to pick out some pictures from when she was little. This included any baby shots she wanted in them. One of them had me with her and her dad that had been taken of the 3 of us at my sister's wedding. It was a heat and shoulders type shot. Her step mom had a fit! It was not step mom's day but my daughters and she had every right to pick the pictures she wanted. I went out of my way to be nice to the woman who had been my kids' step mom for a few years at that point and she never once reciprocated that. It goes both ways.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/08/2016

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Um, Cassidy? I WEAR THOSE SHOES. I ONLY speak from experience.

The OP,, in this case needs to grow up and get therapy.

Jodi - posted on 07/08/2016

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Actually, Cassidy, the shoes are on my feet. My husband's ex of 20 years still visits his mother with their daughter, as well as with her new family. They have special Christmas celebrations with my husband's family, and their family photos in my mother-in-laws home. I don't personally have any kind of relationship with my husband's ex - I think the last time I even spoke to her was briefly at my father-in-law's funeral. So yes, I do walk in those shoes. The difference is, I don't feel insecure about my position in the family and don't personally give a shit what she does or says or who she is friends with in the family. And yes, family DO talk about her in my presence in a positive manner about past things - you can't wipe your husband's past from people's memories and expect them just to forget about it. It happened. Deal with it.

Dove - posted on 07/07/2016

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You have zero right to dictate who calls each other family or not. The only person on the entire planet that you are able to control is yourself.... period.

I really think you need to get over yourself. This woman is your stepson's MOTHER... not 'baby mama'. Using that term is extremely low class and immature.

If you can not handle this situation like a mature adult I highly recommend counseling. This woman has every right to have whatever friends she wants... and you have zero right to say anything about it. let it consume and destroy you if you would prefer... or seek help.

Ev - posted on 07/07/2016

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SHE is family. She is the boy's mother and as long as they want to allow her to come to events where he is included that is their right. You just have to learn to deal with it somehow. The sister inlaw can be a friend of the mother and does not need your permission to do so. The rest of your husband's family does not need your permission to be friends with her too. We gave you advice---avoid their facebook posts, mingle in other parts of the place where the events take place, and respect other's rights to have friends that you do not like.

Amanda - posted on 07/07/2016

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No it absolutely does NOT make her family. Just because you get knocked up by someone doesn't make their family yours.. Sorry not sorry.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/07/2016

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Honey, here we go again "They're all friends on FB"...For God's sake, quit relying on social media!

Your SIL was absolutely correct in telling her brother he has no business telling her who she can and can't be friends with. The child's mother can have a relationship with the rest of the child's family, and its actually very mature to do so...so I really don't understand why all of the second or subsequent spouses and girlfriends don't get this!

They have a child together. That kind of DOES make his family her inlaws...Just sayin.

Ev - posted on 07/07/2016

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For the purpose of answering this I am posting part of your post as quotes.


{{ She was never even CLOSE to his family until I came into the picture, so I can't help but think it is just to spite me.}}------She is family. She is the mother of your step child.

{{ She showed up at my niece's baby shower and her and my sister in law talked about when the ex and my husband were together...reminiscing about certain stories. I thought it was completely inappropriate not to mention rude.}}-------Were you ease dropping on their private conversation or was it in the open for all to hear? If it was a private conversation you had no right to listen to it. If it was open conversation, why let it get to you. You can not control what is said when she is around. If you do not like hearing about their past then just move to another location of the house or room.

{On Facebook they are all up each others butts with the comments, telling each other how beautiful they are, how amazing they are as mothers, etc etc. It seems like it is really fake to me and all a show just to annoy me. I told my husband how it made me feel and he had a talk with his sister about how it was hurting my feelings. She basically told him to buzz off and she would be friends with who she wanted.}}-----Then do not read their Facebook pages?! How simple is that one? And again the sister inlaw is right. You can not ask her not to be friends with certain people nor can your husband. You have the choice to not look at Facebook pages of theirs. It is not a necessity is it? I understand you feel hurt and unaccepted by the sister inlaw but again this is a bit of a control issue.

{ I have never been mean to the sister in law, never done anything to her, and I feel that the nicer I am to her the more she hates me.}-----You do not have to do anything to make her not like you, she may just not like you, did you ever think of that?

{ I know I just have to be the bigger person and ignore it, but everytime something happens I Just feel this rage boiling up inside me. It's so wrong.}-----It is wrong. I think your feelings are insecurity and jealousy. If the family has invited her to be part of things that is not your place to tell them or her how it goes. You need to grin and bear it. It could be done for the sake of the child to have his mom there. And some family members may just like this woman. Just because she had a past with your husband does not mean that they will get back together. And she is the child's mother and his family may include her not only for the child's sake but for the fact they like her. You are putting way too much into this.

{ Why can't his baby mama step back and realize she is trampling into my territory?}------1) You do not own the family. 2) They can have her over for events like birthdays, holidays, and other things if they want to. You have a choice to mingle with her or not. 3) You take things too much to heart.

{ I do not go into hers.. She calls my sister in law HER sister in law. She calls my nieces HER nieces. Honestly it makes her look pathetic. and I just think she should have some mutual respect. I don't understand the behavior of my sister in law either. It makes me really want to avoid her, if not be rude to her all together. I don't deserve this treatment! Any advice?}}-----It is not your territory. Does it matter if she and the one sister get along and she calls the kids her "nieces"?

I really think you need to take a look at yourself and read this post again. It is all about you and how you feel about things. For the sake of the child it might be done for his benefit as well as the fact that mom could be real good friends with that sister. Family outings she is invited to happen to have your step son in attendance and is good for him to see that the ADULTS in his life are working together to make it a good time FOR HIM. It is not all about you.

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