My Husband's ex wants to talk to my kids

Andrea - posted on 02/19/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I need some input. Is it weird that my husband's ex wants to talk to my kids? He has two kids from his relationship with her. She's been on drugs for years (is supposedly clean now) and she has been a crummy mom for years... Barely talking to or seeing her kids (until we got married). Now she skypes with her kids weekly. Am I wrong to be uncomfortable when she starts trying to talk to my children too over Skype? My husband thinks I'm being dramatic. But I wouldnt have that woman in my life period if my husband didn't have business with her and I surely don't want her having dealings with my 1 And 2 year old. I need thoughts... If I'm being ridiculous, I want to know.

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Magnolene - posted on 02/22/2015

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You are not being ridiculous. Who would want to expose their kids to recovering drug addict or have them grow up thinking that it is acceptable to be a crummy parent for years and then just apologize and play the loving mommy all of the sudden. My husband's ex is an unemployed recovering drug addict (supposedly). She has two kids from a previous relationship (I think the girl is about 11 and the boy around 9) who she hasn't seen in years and a 4 year old with my husband (who is living with us). She does not support any of her kids and there is no way in hell that I would allow her to have any kind of contact with my kids (if we do decide to have any).

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Trisha - posted on 02/23/2015

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You may want to take this as an opportunity to teach your children tolerance of peoples faults and lifestyles though. Though I understand where you are coming from, having tolerance of people you don't agree with is a very strong social skill and will make your children into great people.
Having access to people with dependencies has the opportunity to show children that there are tough lives out there when you don't choose the right path.
My husband always says "You can learn something from everyone. Even if that something is what not to do".

Andrea - posted on 02/22/2015

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THANK YOU!!! I'm not at all being Judgemental. I Just don't want my children being entertained by that type of person. If she was a normal mother and we had a decent working relationship, then sure, chit chat with my kids! But she has a lot of proving to do. 3 months of sobriety doesn't mean crap to me when you've been sober off and on for 25 years. If she pulls it together, I would LOVE that for my step kids. But meanwhile, I don't HAVE to subject my own children to her and her childish behavior. My 2 are not her children so I have a say so in this one, I do believe. Thanks everyone for your input.

Elaine - posted on 02/19/2015

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life is so much better for al involved especially all kid.s if people can only be decent to each other. my mom always said " if they can sleep with them , I can talk to them. when u married u got the whole package, treat it all with care. is not weird that she wants to talk to your kids, you should desire the same as her and want to talk to her kids too. there will be a connection for all of their lives. if she is not doing drugs , don't even bring it up. .slandering will never help. the nurturing of all 4 kids, by all 4 parents only gives them more love and security in life, and probably more success in all relationships they have, going as far as to their careers, it really is not about you and how you feel. sorry, I am only taking the childrens side.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/19/2015

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Well, if you feel that inappropriate language and conversation is happening, you do have the right to remove your younger children. Your husband does need to address that inappropriate conversation with his ex.

However, you may still need to lighten up a bit. I know you want to 'protect' the older kids too, but the woman is their biological mother. If she's meeting the terms and conditions for calls or visitations, you need to stop with the negative talk about her as well. You don't have to like his ex. That's not required. I don't like my husband's ex, but I don't badmouth her, either, regardless of what I think of her habits, or how she raised my beautiful step daughter.

Andrea - posted on 02/19/2015

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The conversations are not monitored... And I failed to mention that she has been heard saying bad things about me to her own children. I don't trust a person like that to be talking alone with my children. I'm really not a drama filled person. I don't like her. I don't trust her and her intentions towards my family have been proven dishonorable several times.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/19/2015

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Had to think about this one. The only thing I can come up with is similar to Trisha...

As a mom, I know that those ages (1&2) are huge for wanting to be included. Perhaps she's wanting to make sure that your younger children are not feeling 'left out' when their older siblings get to have Skype time?

While she may have been a drug user for years, and you say that she's 'supposedly' clean now...It is entirely possible that this woman IS clean, and is trying to get back on track with the family she hurt during her use time. Part of that is not only consistent contact with her biological kids (why you would be suspicious of a recovered addict is your own personal demon), but also reintegrating herself into normal society.

I have a feeling that you may be a bit over dramatic, and you may be wanting to 'protect' your kids from the 'bad person'. I get it. She allegedly used drugs. Huge deal. However, if she IS recovering, and staying clean, you need to be supportive of that. Getting and staying clean is HARD. Harder than anything any person who hasn't done drugs will ever, EVER understand.

As long as the conversations are monitored, I see absolutely no problem with this ex wanting an amiable relationship with everyone involved with her children. Its actually quite adult of her to be so accepting of your younger children.

Trisha - posted on 02/19/2015

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My thought is that your children are a big part of her children's lives. The idea that she wants them all to be treated as one big unit does not seem like a negative thing.
If the skype calls are supervised I don't see any harm. She will only end up making your children feel more included in their siblings lives.
It could also be that she just likes the toddler stages, and is living vicariously through the contact with her children.
What concerns do you have about her having this contact?

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