My husband seems to prefer me to be passive and complacent

Kristen - posted on 06/29/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )




Ok, so we've been married almost 3 years, we just had our son in September and are expecting our second son this September. We've had our ups and downs like most couples do, but lately it seems to be mostly downs and not really any ups. When we first met, I was going through a nasty divorce with my now ex who I practically had to care for like a child. Not much for husband material, I'm very glad I kicked him to the curb! When we first started dating, he would take the reins a lot and honestly, it was a huge relief for me. For almost five years I had to the adult and decide everything, even down to the very details cause my ex couldn't do anything on his own. Having someone else do it for me was like this giant weight being taken from me, I gladly let him do it!

After we became engaged, I was finally feeling a bit more like myself and was ready to take some of the reins back. He didn't seem real keen on letting any of it go, so I decided to try a more subtle approach and kinda just wean myself into it where he didn't feel like he was giving anything up. (my husband can be a bit overprotective, but it was the way he raised. good ol' Kansas boy!) well, once I got pregnant with our first son, I started getting impatient with taking on some the responsibilities and decisions in our marriage and decided that it was time to just take a couple things onto my plate and that he would just have to learn to let go. He has fought me every step of the way.

I ended up going regularly to a therapist to see if maybe I was approaching things in the wrong way and she told me I have anxiety issues and prescribed me meds to help with it. I'll admit they did something, but I didn't much care for it. I'd have to say it made me feel like I just didn't care about things as much and went about my days in a fog; I felt like a robot. I wasn't as anxious, but I didn't feel like me anymore. So I stopped taking them. Ever since he found out I stopped taking them he has been hard pressed on me going back on the meds. I finally got a straightforward answer out of him a couple months ago as to what he thought they did for me, why they supposedly "helped". The answer he gave me still sticks with me, "you argued with me much less"...... I really didn't like that, and it still irks me that that's the reason he wants me to take them again. It seems to me he prefers me to be more complaisant, more passive. It makes me feel like he doesn't want me to stand up for myself, my feelings, my opinions. I'm one of those people that I will only argue a point if I feel strongly about it, not just for the hell of it or out of boredom.

Am I just overreacting or do I have a valid argument here?


Michelle - posted on 06/30/2016




When 1 person in the relationship changes it's hard on the other person. You said yourself, when you first met him you were happy for him to make all the decisions etc. You have changed since then and he was obviously happy making all the decisions. Now that you are voicing your want to have more of a say (and I assume he isn't agreeing to it), you are then arguing with him. On the meds you again took a backseat.

I suggest you re-read your post and look at it from an outsider. I would also suggest that you go to marriage counselling and talk about what roles you should each have in your relationship. I'm not saying that you have to be more compliant and passive, you just need to talk to each other and LISTEN to each other as well.


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April - posted on 07/01/2016




Hi! I am curious if you talked with your therapist about how the meds were making you feel. The human body is very complex, and sometimes it can take several different trials of meds to find what one will work for you. I am not trying to encourage you or discourage you from taking medication. That is a personal choice that you will have to make on your own, but I can share a little of my experience that might help you. My husband is on medication. While he doesn’t always notice how the medication helps him, our family and myself see huge changes in his behavior and how well he interacts with others when taking the medication. All I am saying is that in our case it is not always easily evident to my husband the huge impact staying on his meds has on him.
Have you tried marriage counseling? You and your husband have one child together and another on the way, so you guys have a lot invested into this marriage. It would be worth sitting down with someone to try to work out these differences. Also…I say this as a mother of 6…pregnancy hormones can make us not feel like ourselves. I have said and done crazy out there things while pregnant. I have totally convinced myself that my husband hated me, etc. Then once the pregnancy hormones were gone and I could look back on the situation with a clear head…I had to laugh at myself. The hormones were clouding my judgement. You have been pregnant for a good deal of your marriage, so that might be something to keep in mind too. Praying for you!

Sarah - posted on 06/29/2016




I guess you'd almost have to ask someone who knew you on and off the meds. what you say makes sense, but it is your side. My husband took welbutrin to help quit smoking and stayed on it because it made him less irritable and anxious. I don't think you should go thru life like a robot or in a fog but maybe you were less snappy? Sounds like something the two of you should discuss with your doctor together.

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