My Husband told me to Shut Up

Guest - posted on 10/16/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )




I am beyond disgusted by him at this point. This is mostly a vent because I find posting stuff on here is a good way to get my thoughts in order.....somehow more effective than a journal. Anyway any advice IS appreciated.

A little back story. My husband has been aware for some time that I HATE where we live. We live in a robotic, boring, upper-class suburb--all of the real estate listings call it "a highly sought after neighborhood" and it is true that when a house goes on the market here it sells within a month for FAR more than it's worth, but for the life of me I can't imagine why anyone would choose to live in this barren hell hole of nearly identical boxes.

Anyway, a few months ago we had an argument during which I learned that he did not like knowing about any of my negative thoughts or emotions, as they made him feel uncomfortable. At first, I was upset because, while I understand where he is coming from--I don't like hearing other people share negative thoughts or feelings with me either (who would??)--I felt that I should be able to share almost all of my feelings, except for my most personal feelings of course, with the man who chose to be my husband. Eventually, I came around and we decided on a mutual truce--he doesn't share his negative thoughts or feelings with me, and I won't share mine with him, but I will NOT sit here and listen to him complain while he refuses to here my complaints.

It has worked well for a few months now, but today we were discussing a friend who was offered and accepted a job out of FL. He currently works out of TN which is about 4 hours or a 30 minute flight from where we are. The FL job is about twice as far. We had been invited to a party last weekend that he was hosting, but due to conflict we needed to decline the invitation. My husband lamented, "It was probably a fare well party. Maybe we should have attended."
I replied, "You think he will relocate? His last job was in TN but he continued to keep a home here."
Husband replied, "Yes, but this is FL, not TN."
I replied, "True, if I were offered a job in FL I would relocate---"
Husband interrupts my statement to say, "Oh, Shut Up!"

I was PISSED OFF. I don't get angry easily, and right now I am so angry I cannot speak to him, nor can I look at him without glaring.

A little more background. We just watched the marriage of one of our friends dissolve. The husband was a lazy, narcissistic buffoon. He often cursed at her, called her names, refused to work while she worked sometimes 50+ hours to support him and his whims (and their children). She often vented to me about his latest actions (for example, quitting his job to go to community college to become a personal trainer--the guy smokes 2 packs a day and drinks a beer with every meal--or or telling her, "I'm not a f#$!ing laundry service!" when she asked him to do a load of laundry while she was at work after he dropped out of community college, or telling her "I'm not the f%^&ing nanny!" after he was tasked with getting their only elementary school child up, ready for school and to the end of the driveway to catch the bus every morning after she had to let the nanny go because he quit his job to go to community college, then dropped out of that and never got another job). I, in turn, told my husband these stories and asked him how he thought a man could ever be so irresponsible, disrespectful, and lazy.

This woman stayed with this man for nearly 7 years before she finally kicked his ass to the curb (I've only been hearing about it for the past few months.....not sure why she decided to start talking to me about it). In addition to her, two of my cousins have stayed in similar relationships where their husbands were very disrespectful and used them for financial support, and his own brother tends to do the same thing to the women in his life (including my MIL). Now, it feels like my husband is trying to see exactly how much I will put up with. Like he wants to see if he can turn ME into the submissive wife these women were by being disrespectful and asserting some sort of twisted dominance over me. In our relationship, he is the breadwinner, and I doubt I could live comfortably on my income alone, but I will NOT put up with that SH$%. I don't care if I have to live in a one room flat on the upper west (bad side for my area) and eat ramen noodles, I will NOT put up with being stepped on like that. EVER.

So now, I'm wondering if I should call my lawyer tomorrow or my therapist or both. Is this some passing phase or some kind of wicked progression. I do love my husband. He is handsome, a good father, a responsible man. I thought his values were in line with mine, but now I am questioning that. We've been married for 12 years. My fear is that I have seen my friend and my cousins reduced to actually thinking they don't deserve to be treated any better. My friend and one cousin finally got smart and realized that they deserved better, but it took a lot of work. I don't want to end my marriage, but I don't want to be reduced to that either.....

That's my conundrum.


Jodi - posted on 10/17/2014




Why would you think of calling your lawyer first? Yes, your husband was an ass about it, but if you thought of calling a lawyer, I'd have to say there is more wrong in this marriage that just what you have told us (and no, you don't need to disclose it all).

I'm a big believer in giving a marriage every chance you can. If you don't try counselling, you are essentially giving up before you really tried everything to keep it together. Every marriage has its ups and downs. You are just in the down cycle right now. The counselling may help put things back into perspective for both of you.

Michelle - posted on 10/17/2014




On top of what Jodi has said I would be having an honest talk with your husband. Let him know how you want and expect to be treated (as an equal) and you won't be walked over. Remind him of how things have been going for the last 12 years and there is no need to change.
Tell him that you think counselling will help get you both back on track.
Marriage does take work as either or both parties can get complacent without realizing it sometimes. You really need to open the communication up again as it seems it broke down when you decided not to want to hear each others negative comments.


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Guest - posted on 10/17/2014




It is probably true there is more wrong with my marriage than I am seeing....I'm really not happy, and despite repeated attempts at actions I feel will bring a happy, fulfilled, sort of emotion to myself, the feeling is elusive. I'm doing all this stuff for nothing...

I don't really know what a "healthy marriage" looks like from the inside. My parents found me when I was about 3 years old (they think) in 1983 when I accidentally set off a rat trap in my father's office. They went through the process of fostering me until my identity and biological parents could be discovered, but they never figured it out and eventually they were allowed to adopt me. Unfortunately, my mother passed away from cancer about 2 years into that process. My father didn't date for several years, when he finally did, I was in 4th grade at school and it was pretty much a disaster, so he swore it off again until I was a teen. He did eventually meet a WONDERFUL woman who is now my step mom, but I was in college by then, so I didn't get to watch how they interact. I read books about marriage and relationships, and I speak to my therapist, and did speak to our marriage counselor, but I know I'm missing pieces.

Guest - posted on 10/17/2014




I thought about calling my lawyer because I was afraid that if I stayed with him, he would interpret that as acceptance of his behavior, and that if I stayed he would continue to erode my confidence the way I'd seen the men in my cousins' and friend's lives do--they went from strong, confident women to doormats in a matter of months. This wasn't the first time he'd been disrespectful, but it was the first time he has been so blatant with it. It started a few weeks ago and seems to have progressed rapidly.

We do both see therapists, but not together. We did see a joint therapist near the beginning of our marriage, while we were trying to conceive, and during the first few years after our child was born.....I suppose it is time to go back. That therapist retired and we just never got around to finding another one because we were busy and things were going well.

Thank you for helping me put this into perspective. I am probably over reacting--I do that sometimes. Today, I will call my therapist for a list of recommendations then begin interviewing new therapists....I suppose I should include my husband in the selection process....I'm still angry with him, so working together will be difficult, but it wouldn't be fair to exclude him....

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