Guest - posted on 10/16/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )
I am beyond disgusted by him at this point. This is mostly a vent because I find posting stuff on here is a good way to get my thoughts in order.....somehow more effective than a journal. Anyway any advice IS appreciated.
A little back story. My husband has been aware for some time that I HATE where we live. We live in a robotic, boring, upper-class suburb--all of the real estate listings call it "a highly sought after neighborhood" and it is true that when a house goes on the market here it sells within a month for FAR more than it's worth, but for the life of me I can't imagine why anyone would choose to live in this barren hell hole of nearly identical boxes.
Anyway, a few months ago we had an argument during which I learned that he did not like knowing about any of my negative thoughts or emotions, as they made him feel uncomfortable. At first, I was upset because, while I understand where he is coming from--I don't like hearing other people share negative thoughts or feelings with me either (who would??)--I felt that I should be able to share almost all of my feelings, except for my most personal feelings of course, with the man who chose to be my husband. Eventually, I came around and we decided on a mutual truce--he doesn't share his negative thoughts or feelings with me, and I won't share mine with him, but I will NOT sit here and listen to him complain while he refuses to here my complaints.
It has worked well for a few months now, but today we were discussing a friend who was offered and accepted a job out of FL. He currently works out of TN which is about 4 hours or a 30 minute flight from where we are. The FL job is about twice as far. We had been invited to a party last weekend that he was hosting, but due to conflict we needed to decline the invitation. My husband lamented, "It was probably a fare well party. Maybe we should have attended."
I replied, "You think he will relocate? His last job was in TN but he continued to keep a home here."
Husband replied, "Yes, but this is FL, not TN."
I replied, "True, if I were offered a job in FL I would relocate---"
Husband interrupts my statement to say, "Oh, Shut Up!"
I was PISSED OFF. I don't get angry easily, and right now I am so angry I cannot speak to him, nor can I look at him without glaring.
A little more background. We just watched the marriage of one of our friends dissolve. The husband was a lazy, narcissistic buffoon. He often cursed at her, called her names, refused to work while she worked sometimes 50+ hours to support him and his whims (and their children). She often vented to me about his latest actions (for example, quitting his job to go to community college to become a personal trainer--the guy smokes 2 packs a day and drinks a beer with every meal--or or telling her, "I'm not a f#$!ing laundry service!" when she asked him to do a load of laundry while she was at work after he dropped out of community college, or telling her "I'm not the f%^&ing nanny!" after he was tasked with getting their only elementary school child up, ready for school and to the end of the driveway to catch the bus every morning after she had to let the nanny go because he quit his job to go to community college, then dropped out of that and never got another job). I, in turn, told my husband these stories and asked him how he thought a man could ever be so irresponsible, disrespectful, and lazy.
This woman stayed with this man for nearly 7 years before she finally kicked his ass to the curb (I've only been hearing about it for the past few months.....not sure why she decided to start talking to me about it). In addition to her, two of my cousins have stayed in similar relationships where their husbands were very disrespectful and used them for financial support, and his own brother tends to do the same thing to the women in his life (including my MIL). Now, it feels like my husband is trying to see exactly how much I will put up with. Like he wants to see if he can turn ME into the submissive wife these women were by being disrespectful and asserting some sort of twisted dominance over me. In our relationship, he is the breadwinner, and I doubt I could live comfortably on my income alone, but I will NOT put up with that SH$%. I don't care if I have to live in a one room flat on the upper west (bad side for my area) and eat ramen noodles, I will NOT put up with being stepped on like that. EVER.
So now, I'm wondering if I should call my lawyer tomorrow or my therapist or both. Is this some passing phase or some kind of wicked progression. I do love my husband. He is handsome, a good father, a responsible man. I thought his values were in line with mine, but now I am questioning that. We've been married for 12 years. My fear is that I have seen my friend and my cousins reduced to actually thinking they don't deserve to be treated any better. My friend and one cousin finally got smart and realized that they deserved better, but it took a lot of work. I don't want to end my marriage, but I don't want to be reduced to that either.....
That's my conundrum.