My husband wants a divorce, but I still love him I don't know what to do, Help!

Tracy - posted on 08/25/2012 ( 13 moms have responded )

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After 8yrs together, our 6 yrs of marriage, 5 weeks ago my husband told me he no longer loves me/ has feelings for me. This has completely devistated me because I still very much love my husband. We have a 2yr girl and a 3 1/2yr old boy who are just amazing. Our son has just been diagnosed with a cataract in his left eye and will have to have surgery to remove it in the next few months and I want to focus on that, not breaking up our family before it, this is the only home our kids have ever known....My husband says he is done with me and our marriage and wants to talk terms of divorce...he even has given me 5 pages of terms on custody of children etc.....I feel like he has died and I am mourning him and our marriage...the past year has been hard on us with moving to a new town with no family or friends (move was 2 yrs ago) mulitple things going wrong (freezer, water heater dying) He says he wants to get things over and done with now....how do you divorce someone you are still very much in love with?? And no he won't do counselling or anything...plus I am a stay at home mom who is waiting for my job transfer to come in so I have no income either....any suggestions??

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Belinda - posted on 10/07/2012

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Honey, It really sounds like you need to get the advice of a lawyer in this. I know that you aren't interested in getting a divorce right now but you do need some good legal advice to stop him from taking advantage of you. Something is up with stealing your emails, journal etc.

.

Ariana - posted on 10/07/2012

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Can you convince him to see a couples councellor with you? They could help find out why exactly he's empty and has lost his feelings for you, or if there is some way to rectify the situation. Even if ultimately you divorce maybe a councellor can help you detach from him and make the transition easier.



If he tells you he just doesn't want to be with you there's no point in going you can try to tell him that this is really breaking your heart and you feel like this would be a better way to seperate if that is what ultimately must happen. You shouldn't divorce unless all means have been pushed and it turns out that's what has to happen.

FoxyMom - posted on 10/29/2012

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I second a lawyer. I know you love him but for your kids you need to cover your butt. He seems to be acting odd but I am also a true beliver that there are always several sides to the story. If he does not want to be there don't beg or make him. It won't be the same and staying together for the kids is never a good idea. It's healthier for them if they see both there parents happy than miserable.

Cherish - posted on 08/28/2012

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It is weird that he took that stuff with him,but maybe he will read it,and maybe re-think things...maybe not.

It is probably good that he went out of town,give you both time to think.It is easier to think if you are not "in" it...

It sounds like a maddening situation,and everyone handles such things differently.

Try not to think about him to much(WAY easier to say then to do),and try to focus your energy on things you DO have control over...

Think about what you need,and about what your kids need...

It is rough,but I hope for you it gets better before it gets worse.

I am trying to think of that saying,something like hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

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Tracy - posted on 08/28/2012

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He won't leave because he is paying for the house and bills.....why should he have to leave and spend more money to live somewhere else as it is his home too! To top it off, last night he went into my bedroom, took a journal I had, copies of emails and the copy of terms he has given me all while I was looking after our kids and cleaning the garage and took it all with him out of town last night. I was furious with him and devistated also at the same time. I have asked him to leave...I thought it would clear his head and help him to realize what a great life we have here, but he refuses to do so. I am so......lost!

Cherish - posted on 08/28/2012

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Why would he do such things?

Does he not understand that you NEED groceries to feed the kids?You need a phone to make appointments,and what if there was a emergency?

If he wants a divorce so bad,why doesn't he just leave,then you can stay in the house?I think it is unreasonable for him to play games like that.

I would be so mad at him!!!

Tracy - posted on 08/27/2012

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He just says he is "Empty" Cherish, has no feelings for me, which I think is bull....you either like a person or you don't there is always feelings there whether they are good or bad especially with someone you loved for 7 yrs (I know that for sure) He brought up divorce just before the diagnoses and even after... its like it sped things up..... I keep telling him that it took us 1 1/2ys to decide to get married....I am not undoing it in 5 weeks! I just don't want to rush things...this is the only home our kids have ever known and with a surgery coming up I can't justify taking them out of a stable environment..and the home is my only leverage....on the other hand, my husband is now starting to play power games ie. but a lock on the spare room door where he has been the past few weeks, says he cancelled the internet (turbo stix), is going to cancel our phone (he has a cell for work and I don't) and he's not giving me any money for groceries etc....*sigh* I am soooo screwed eh??.

Cherish - posted on 08/25/2012

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But did he tell you WHY he has "no feelings?" I think he is leaving something out.It seems like he is being difficult and unreasonable for whatever reason..

It is not wrong for you to take time to clear your head.

It is not wrong to get divorced,it is wrong to stay in a marriage that you(or him) are not happy in.

Nothing is ever black and white...



Did he say he wanted a divorce before or after your sons diagnoses?

Tracy - posted on 08/25/2012

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His reason for being done is that he says he has no feelings for me...not even 6 mths ago our relationship was great! I just don't understand the rush! I have told him that I don't need him in my life that I am self sufficient etc...but I do want him in my life as my husband! Thank you both for your replies....I am stuck between 2 wrongs it feels like....wrong to go thru a divorce I don't want and wrong to take some time to clear my head...stay here and provide my 2 kids with a stable home...they both just seem so wrong and no right answer!

Cherish - posted on 08/25/2012

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Maybe he is having a mid life crisis...Nothing is permanent,just because you get divorced does not mean you will never be together again..

Maybe he will see what he had,after he loses it(you),and maybe he will want to get back together..

You might be happier with out him,you might see that you do not need him like you think you do.



There are plenty of fish...PLENTY and he is not worth your time,energy or stress if he is just "done",especially if he did not give you a reason.



As far as money goes you can get alimony and child support.

Jaime - posted on 08/25/2012

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It sounds like your husband has already started the legal proceedings for divorce/custody, so you're better off getting it over with as quick as possible for your sake and for the kids. And if you're able to split amicably, then it will be much easier than a lengthy, legal battle in court. I can't imagine any of this is easy for you, but if he doesn't want to be married to you, there's not much you can do to change it. I know you say that he won't consider counselling, but perhaps you should so that you have some extra support behind you in the interim. I'm very sorry you're going through such a tough time in your life, but I think the best thing is to just take it a day at a time and work toward a solution that benefits everyone. Hopefully your job transfer comes in soon too, so that you won't need to worry about your income.

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