my husband won't get a vasectomy

India - posted on 05/22/2015 ( 50 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have seven children in which I carried and nearly died delivering a few of them. After we had our last child i bled severly and had to go thru a few tramatizing procedures to control the situation. The doc recommended that we not have anymore and that we should highly consider taking on a more permanent birth control. I told my husband my body has gone thru enough and wouldnt be able to take on anything else and I suggested that he get a vasectomy. He said that he didn't believe in them and that he wouldn't oppose to me getting my tubes tied. How should I handle this situation?

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/01/2015

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Good luck love. I hope it is something your body can handle.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/01/2015

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Well, look into the essure. Regardless of whether you leave your husband or not, at least if your body can handle the essure, you have taken control over your reproductive system.

India - posted on 06/01/2015

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I've tried even Bringing that conversation up to him...in the most calmest and ideal way and he put it back on me like I have the problem...I even brought up all his symptoms... Which he knows are valid and he couldn't dare accept the fact that his mental state could possibly be flawed and he threw a fit...which actually a psychologist said that he would do and that usually people with sever symptoms never get treatment

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/01/2015

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Awe love. I am so sorry. I was hoping it would be better news. Do what you need to do. Maybe he will seek counseling after all.

India - posted on 06/01/2015

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And I know he wouldn't dare even think about going to get help about that...our marriage has sucked for years now...and I knew that I was doing all I can and more...to the point that I was giving too much of myself and almost had a break down...so when this came up...us having to get a permanent birth control...I was hoping he would take one for the team....nope...once again and too many other times...he throws it off on me...so frankly I'm quite tired of his mistreatment because its draining me out of all my time and energy that I could be investing into my children

India - posted on 06/01/2015

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Hi little miss...well I scheduled an appointment for us Friday...he told me that he would like to look for a counceler together and that we would look up them over that weekend and give them a call today before he goes into work at 3pm...did we look for councelers over the weekend...no...did I keep bringing it up?...yes...but he kept throwing it off...I mentioned it to him this morning...and he just kept avoiding the conversation till it was time for him to go to work at 3pm...so at this point I already know he's about to give me trouble this...but I'm considering the essure and then going on ahead and maybe filing for a legal separation... Because I'm just realizing as well that my husband has NPD...Narcissistic Personality Disorder...which would absolutely explain why he doesn't care about my best interest and a number of other things

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/01/2015

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Hey India, just checking in and seeing how everything was going.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/28/2015

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India, I have known a couple of women who had it done instead of a tubal. They really liked it. I cannot remember how long it takes to fill in with scar tissue (1-3 months??). Figured that if a tubal was out, vasectomy was out, maybe this procedure your body could handle. But of course that is for you and your doctor to decide. It is promising that he briefly discussed it with you. If I am remembering correctly, the worst con I hear was the cramping that can happen, but quite frankly I had that with the tubal. They do definitely give you a recheck to make sure it worked. But really, I think that is fantastic your husband is reconsidering this. Maybe he needed time to let it really sink in for him to get it. Some people are like that.

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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Thank you little miss...I'm so glad too...I'm very thankful for your advice and your out look on the situation...Honestly I didn't give too much thought to him having a choice...it is his body and I must respect that...but his body won't be rubbing against my body anytime soon...lol...well just until we find something that works...I'm just too terrified...and very cross with him for making me feel expendable...but hopefully this cousling will do the trick...thanks again little miss

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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O yes little miss... a girl friend of mind was telling me about that...I was really interested in that...seems like a pretty smooth procedure...do u know or heard of someone that had that did done...my doc went over it briefly...but really didn't touch base on its cons

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/28/2015

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I am glad he is opening his mind to the idea India. That is fantastic.

The coils are The Essure procedure.

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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Thank u so much...that really made me feel a lot better...I really appreciate all the advice...it was very useful and uplifting

Jodi - posted on 05/28/2015

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That's good to hear that he is open to the idea. I really hope it works out for you guys. But PLEASE don't risk your health. You are too important to your children and they need you. You need to think of them when you make your decisions on this (clearly he isn't thinking of them either), as they need you for a long time to come, and they need you to be happy and healthy.

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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I just mentioned it to him earlier today...he agreed...just hoping he actually goes thru with it...we're suppose to fish around the net tomorrow to find one were both comfortable with...I honestly already found a good one and had one scheduled for tomorrow afternoon...but I wanna make sure he has a hand in the picking so that he doesn't think I pre coached or had any influence on the therapist

Jodi - posted on 05/28/2015

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India, I am not sure if you answered my question about counselling? Have you guys had any relationship counselling? I really think it might be a good idea, given your feelings about this, his lack of consideration for your health, and the fact that this issue could ultimately fester and ruin your marriage if it isn't resolved in a way that is satisfactory to both of you. I am incredibly concerned for your health in relation to this, and I am so scared for you should you get pregnant again. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd be terrified of ever having sex again for fear of pregnancy unless something significantly more permanent were done. So I'd definitely advise putting some professional relationship counselling in place to see if that could in any way help him see some sense.

Jodi - posted on 05/28/2015

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"Jodi, once again you can back pedal all you want. Your initial statement was for control and punishment, but of course you cannot admit it. Get over it."

Actually, I don't know how you read my initial statement as control and punishment. Because that's certainly not how it was intended. It really was made because I could clearly see that for this woman, alternative birth control was not an option for her and hubby was refusing the vasectomy. So I made the comment that I guess she had two options. If you interpreted it that I meant it was a control thing, then that's on you.

But whatever, Little Miss. As I said, you and I interpreted things differently, and I know I can agree to disagree. You can be right if you want. I'm not doing to debate it any more. But please don't tell me what "I" intended in my initial statement Because on that one, you can argue YOUR interpretation until you are blue in the face, it still doesn't make you right because it was MY comment you are interpreting and you cannot possibly know what I was thinking when I wrote it. To continue to tell me that I meant it as a control thing, when I actually genuinely didn't, is just beating a dead horse and being totally argumentative.

Debbie - posted on 05/28/2015

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That's really weird and selfish of him. I guess it's on you then, just get an IUD and get it off your plate for a few years.

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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Little miss its showing in my email that you responded...but I don't seem to see it in the thread

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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We haven't been having sex on a regular...cause this has been such an issue...it ruins the mood...but the very few times we do...just condoms

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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Come again little miss...what procedure is this? My doctor and i never spoke about an option dealing with coils...are u speaking of essure?

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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Karen that is really scary hun...OMG...that's really sticking to me...I'm glad you came out of that okay...being permanently damaged...thats just terrible knowing that all that could have been totally avoided...smh

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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Jodie I might just have to do that...no vasectomy no sex...that's not nearly as bad as the altermatum he's laying on me...thats risking my life...can't get pregnant again...cause that's life threatening and can't get a tubal because I could bleed to death as well...and he knows this ...its been repeated to him several times and all he has to say is I don't believe in vasectomies but I don't oppose of u getting tubes tied ...but he still want the luxury and pleasure of sex...the world doesn't revolve our just his feelings and health

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/28/2015

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Have you been having sex? What kind of protection are you using currently?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/28/2015

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I totally understand India. It isn't fair. Could you get the coils placed? Fairly non invasive, you don't need to be put under anesthesia, and usually it is an in office procedure. It is permanent. Is that an option? Have you talked with the doctor about that?

I am just trying to think logically, and help. I think your husband is an ass for not offering in the first place. No one can force him to do this.

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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Little miss... I've done it all and it always comes right back around to him getting a vasectomy...I wish he would stop being so selfish and realize how serious this is...and stop thinking the world revolves around him

Karen - posted on 05/28/2015

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I had similar situation expect I have four kids and I did get tubal. Mine didn't go well had ectopic pregnancy that exploded 8 months after i did the procedure... and now have more damange than before... All because he couldn't do an office procedure and one recheck... Will have to deal with scar tissue for life... And whatever else they did.

India - posted on 05/28/2015

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The doctor and I expressed this to him...The doctor informed him that If i was to get pregnant again...I would be taking a fifty fifty chance on my life and if i were to get a tubal ligation i could bleed to death...Thats why he heavly insisted on a more permanent control of birth and that my husband should definitely consider getting a vasectomy. ..because more stress on my body would be life threatening and anything other than a permanent birth control would also b putting my life at risk

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/28/2015

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India, you have every right to feel betrayed and hurt. There is NO argument there whatsoever. All of your feelings on this issue are valid.

Jodi, once again you can back pedal all you want. Your initial statement was for control and punishment, but of course you cannot admit it. Get over it.

India, I would encourage you to speak with your doctor about other preventative alternatives if you cannot have the surgery. If your husband is unwilling to have a vasectomy, then you both as a team need to figure this out. Using birth control WITH barrier protection (condoms etc). Have you fully expressed to him your feelings on this? Have you sat down with the doctor and discussed this? I know he saw what you went through? If so, maybe he needs to hear it again.

Jodi - posted on 05/28/2015

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India, I actually completely agree with you. Your feelings are absolutely valid. Given what you have gone through, I'd be really angry and hurt too. Have you sought any counselling together over this issue?

And Little Miss, I will agree to disagree with you on your points. Not having sex is one option that this lady could take if she physically feels she just can't take any more for now (which she has clearly stated a couple of times). That isn't control. That isn't a threat. That's making her choice about her own body - not a choice to punish her husband. Door swings both ways.

If the suggestion was in order to punish her husband, I would agree with you, we don't use sex (or withhold it) as a punishment, but that is not what this is about.

Besides the fact that a vasectomy is at least 3-4 times more effective than any other birth control method out there.

"Also, in no where in her post did she say she couldn't have a tubal, she said her body had been through enough. She never said that she couldn't have one per doctors orders. It also sounds like she doesn't want to have one."

I read between the lines. Your interpretation, my interpretation....you know how it goes. To me, her initial post sounded pretty desperate, not at all like someone who just didn't want to have a tubal ligation. That's not me saying you were wrong, simply that I interpreted it differently than you clearly did.

India - posted on 05/27/2015

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Well I don't know all you all so I don't mind putting my business all out there...it really hurts my feelings and breaks my heart 😢to know that my husband has sat and watched all the after birth complications...I'm a heavy bleeder...after that placenta comes out, so does most of my blood...for him to sit there and witness a docter manually pump my uterus...I mean hand to elbow length Inside my body,grabbing my uterus in the palm of the hand and manually pumping...😨Im screaming from the top of my lungs while nurses hold my arms down and shuv pills down my throat(to contract the uterus)...this was with no epidural or pain meds people...(i had dialated so quickly and couldnt have them) and so I'm feeling every bit or shall I say every inch of this...that was the most traumatizing and violating moment in my life. My doctor then recommended that he get a vasectomy rather than me getting a tubal ligation... in fear that I would bleed out severely and it could become an uncontrolable situation...In this here last pregnancy i was hospitalized for almost two weeks due to pulmonary embolisms(blood clots) all thru my lungs...the doc said the pregnancy had thickened my blood therfore creating clots which nearly took my life because they were blocking the vessels near my heart...so they had to put me on blood thinners for the duration of my pregnancy which caused even more bleeding during delivery...😣😢😤😢and he witnessed all these complications...How can a husband know that and not sacrifice his self as I did with the pregnancies and deliveries...😥it just hurts my feelings so badly...it makes me feel as if he doesn't care or love me enough and that I'm expendable...What husband would let his wife feel like this😢😥😢😥

Clayton - posted on 05/27/2015

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Well from a dudes perspective ...I personally think it's pretty effed up. you can have 7 kids and he can't get a lil snip? not to be harsh but it makes him sound like a selfish coward. If I was you I'd cutout all the play time until he plays fair.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/27/2015

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However you want to back up your statement is fine Jodi. You know that he has final say over what happens medically to his own body and so does she. Her saying "no vasectomy no sex" is attempting to control him and make him change his decision. Spin it anyway you want to back up your previous post to not sound wrong. Have at it.

AND as we all know, (and as Jodi you yourself has stated many times over the years) no birth control is 100% even permanent sterilization, whether you are a man or a women. So, having to get a tubal yourself, or use 2 different forms of birth control, or making the 100% decision never to have sex again ever.

Her body her choice. His body his choice. The door does NOT swing only one way.

Also, in no where in her post did she say she couldn't have a tubal, she said her body had been through enough. She never said that she couldn't have one per doctors orders. It also sounds like she doesn't want to have one. Hell she has had 7 kids.....But if she could die with another child, then maybe speak to your doctor about it India.

Jodi - posted on 05/27/2015

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Actually, refusing to have a vasectomy is also controlling the outcome of what happens here. If this woman's body can't handle a tubal ligation at this point, there is absolutely nothing controlling about withholding sex and there is nothing wrong with doing so. Other birth controls aren't nearly as effective and can run a higher risk that she may get pregnant again. You will also note that her doctor strongly recommended a more permanent method of birth control. Her body, her choice.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/27/2015

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Richard, that is great that you did that for your wife, but not every man will.

Jodi, I have said I think he is being selfish and a jerk, but trying to control him by withholding sex when there are plenty of other birth controls available? That is wrong in my opinion. It is very controlling. He does not want this done to his body and that is his choice.

Jodi - posted on 05/23/2015

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I don't think anyone has suggested it isn't his right, Little Miss. Just that he is being selfish in his choice. As a wife, it is also her right to say no vasectomy, no sex.

India - posted on 05/23/2015

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True, he's still being selfish...but I do understand
It just makes me question our relationship...I sacrifice my body multiple times out of love for the life of our children...but that's the love and sacrifices I put into my family...and like you said that was my choice...you just kinda expect that back from your spouse... Especially when you really need them to step up at that time...just feels like I'm giving and giving and he's not giving up nothing...just taking

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/23/2015

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As selfish as your husband is being, aren't we women always stressing "our bodies our choice"? Should that only be for women?

If you want a permanent birth control, and your husband is unwilling to have a vasectomy (his right) then you may have to consult with your doctor about getting a tubal, or talk in depth about the best birth control for you and your husband if both of you are not willing to be permanently sterilized.

I also was put in a situation to have to make that decision. I wanted to never be able to get pregnant again, so I took matters into my own hands and got a tubal ligation. Totally my choice, but my husband was the opposite of yours. He said he would have a vasectomy because I carried our babies and had done more than enough especially considering both pregnancies were very hard on my body. With my second child I was told I really shouldn't have anymore kids. It was MY choice to have my tubes tied. It was MY body that shouldn't get pregnant, so I made the right choice for me.

I don't think it is right to make a threat to your husband for not doing what you want him to do. He clearly doesn't want one for whatever reason and that is his decision. It is HIS body. Do I think he is being fair? Nope, but once again, it is HIS body and HIS decision.

Jodi - posted on 05/23/2015

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Your husband is a hypocrite. He doesn't believe in vasectomies on what basis? What a cop out!!

I guess you have two choices here - either the tubal or you tell him no more sex. But I'd be pissed off at him for being such a selfish shit.

Joanne - posted on 05/23/2015

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You only have two choices here.. Either have more kids with your husband or get your tubes tied. Your body will be able to handle a tubal ligation much better than another pregnancy. Good luck!

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