My husband works so hard that our child and I never see him

Vanessa - posted on 06/02/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hello to all the moms out there. I am a married mother of a beautiful 6 month old baby and this is the first time I have ever written to anyone for help. My husband has a very hard working job that requires from to work everyday from 8am to 11pm. We have a young child, whom we absolutely adore. We also have a very lovely home, and I know I am lucky and have never taken anything for granted. But my husband works all the hours under the sun. He rarely can talk to me on the phone and our conversations have limited to "how are you" "hows the kid" and "goodnight". I knew that being a mom would be stressful but I also knew that I would have had his support. He promised me he would be there to help me raise the child, but I am pretty much doing it on my own. i don't really have anybody for emotional support, my mom lives in the town, but she too works a lot though she tries to squeeze an hour on the weekend to help out. Im so tired, mostly emotionally. Please help me cope with all this. I worry that if things don't change, we would end up going our separate ways. I don't want to lose my husband but im running out of options.

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Guest - posted on 06/03/2014

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There is not really a way to get what you are wanting from your husband if he is not willing to cut back the hours to spend actual time with you, and if you continue down the road you are on, your marriage isn't going to last much longer.

What kind of work does he do? You said that you have a nice house, which implies that it is not a financial struggle forcing him to work the crazy hours, and that you thought he would be around to support you, so did he only start to work the long hours after your baby was born?

I ask, because if that is the case it could be that he is using work as a coping method. Many new fathers do not feel they are of much help/value at home because they cannot feed the baby and they are not as natural at stopping the baby's cries or knowing what they need to do, so they throw themselves into work at which they are proficient in order to prove to themselves that they still have value as men in the family. On of my very best friends has a very demanding job as a VP in a bank; he started working nearly 24/7 after the birth of his first son--even sleeping in his office 2-4 nights a week. I feared he was having an affair, and had him checked out (because he is my best friend, and I love his wife dearly as well). No affair, just a crippling fear of going home. They got some therapy for him, took some fun fathering classes to build his confidence, and they now have 3 boys and he has moved his office into his home so that even when he does have to work 70-80 hours a week, he can pop out and see his family while waiting on calls or appointments, rather than sitting in his office downtown checking the weather or facebook.

Talk to him about why he needs to cut back the hours at work. Having money is pointless if you don't have time to spend it. Ask him if he would rather have a full bank account or a family because he is on the verge of losing his family.

Vanessa - posted on 06/03/2014

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Thank you for your replies but the thing is that I have already suggested to my husband that I should work part time but he wont hear about it. He believes that its his responsibility to work cause thats what he knows best and I love him for the exact kind of man he is. Im not asking for him to change, thought it would be great, I just need a way to cope with not having my man around anymore. Raising a child is a big challenge and a great blessing, but I need someone to reassure me that im doing good, that I am a good mom, that I am still a woman underneath all that spitup, to give me strength. That person is my husband. But he cant do that anymore cause he is too tired, which kills me to see. I wanna help him but he wont let me. So what I am asking is a way to deal with all this (if there is) without me being the naggy wife at 11pm.

Jodi - posted on 06/02/2014

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It sounds like this working late has only started since you had the baby? Maybe he works such long hours because of the money? If that is the case, maybe you should consider getting some part time work so he can get a break?

Sandra - posted on 06/02/2014

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Hi Vanessa, Have you ever thought about going to eat lunch with your husband along with taking your 6months old baby.Maybe if you could consider a part-time job to help your husband cut some of his hours down, that will help your husband from working 8am-11pm .Please don't take this the wrong way.I'm just giving you some ideas that could help you.You mention that your husband promise you that he would be there to help you to take care of the baby,well he's providing you with a house ,lovely as you mentioned ,not to many woman can say this.You're a very lucky woman to have a provider such as your husband, and thank God for having such a provider.Don't give up on your options about going separate ways because you can make this work but you have to do something to help your husband get out of all those long hours.I know that your baby is only 6 months old and you don't want to use daycare but find something to do in your spare time and bring your husband off of those long hours.Take care and god bless your family.

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