My husbands love child

C - posted on 10/02/2013 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I found out that my then boyfriend cheated on me and had his first child with someone else while I was pregnant with our first child. He claims he did not know that the girl got pregnant and kept it, and found out about his daughter months before I got pregnant. During my pregnancy he took his daughter in, we lived in different states but he was there for our son when he was born. We got married 2 years ago. His daughter is 5 (i think) and our son is 3 1/2. He is in his daughter’s life though they live in different states.
I never forgave him for what he did; it is a constant problem in our relationship. I love him and married him because i love him and wanted my family to be a unit. Now the time has come for her to visit and i am not happy about it. I have been trying to work with this for years. I am typing this contemplating divorce. This is not something I ever wanted to deal with, and he has done an okay job of keeping that aspect of his life away from me. However this was bound to happen and it is bringing up the same feelings again, I am hurt and after being together for 11 years I believe that I am going to leave him now for something he did 6 years ago. Yes I love my husband and but I no longer like him. I may see this little girl and like her but anticipating this situation is making me angry and I do not know how to deal with this. Has anyone been in a like predicament and came out with family intact?

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Ev - posted on 10/02/2013

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And this child is his sister, abeit half sister. And she is his sister for life. I can understand that you loved him but I can not understand why you still married him if it makes you hurt and angry all the time when this little girl comes for visits or is brought up in talks you two have. If it hurt you still when you married, you should have thought about it a bit more. I grant you that I am glad you have been wanting to make it work but is it really worth getting married for the sake of the kids? A lot of people do not and they work out the details of raising the children fine and both kids do have equal time and chance to have that relationship with both mom and dad. This is just what I am wondering more than anything.

Kimberly - posted on 12/11/2013

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I am going to reply to you as the 44 year old child of an affair. My father abandoned me and rightfully went home to his wife and child. My father visited me once that I remember in my childhood..he never paid child support ..he did not come to my mother's funeral when she died (I was 16) ..I did nothing to deserve the treatment I got. I know my father knew about me, he called my house late in the night and I could hear my mother talking to him..telling him I was garbage just like him (she was not mature) I do not know much about who I am..I have no clue what nationality I am, I have no idea what kind of man my father was or if he and I could have gotten along. It is not my fault that my father and my mother decided to carry out their relationship to the next level and create me. I wrote to my father 20 years ago after I figured out who he was from the precious few clues she left me. My father never responded to me..I recently reached out to other potential relatives and found out he has passed away..I have a sister almost 8 years older than I am..so far she wants nothing to do with me. I feel terrible not only for my half sister but also for her mother. Her mother did not deserve to have husband cheat on her..my half sister did not deserve to have her father betray her mother..but I did not deserve to have the adults in my life despise me just because I exist. You may hate what your now husband's affair has done to you..but this little girl is lucky that her father accepts her and is a part of her life. This little girl could be even more blessed if she has a continued relationship with her brother and knows you accept her for who she is...and you do not hate her for things beyond her control.

Gina - posted on 10/03/2013

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It is not the kids fault and she is his daughter. If you we're going to leave him for this you would have done it when you found out. I think you want it to go away and it won't. Don't punish this child for what her dad did so long ago... You remember the affair but not how old she is. You were not married to him when he had the affair but married him anyway. My advice is to embrace this kid, be the bigger person,. The way I see it he got two girls pregnant and chose to marry you. If you are not liking him now it is most likely another issue. If you are staying, forgive and move on, it is what is best for the family, especially if he has been faithful and a good husband.

Ev - posted on 10/02/2013

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But I think if someone is in this situation and they still felt the hurt and pain of it all that they would not get married just because of the love part of being married. There is so much more to it than that. I was married for what I was thought 12 good years and little did I know he was done before we reached the 12th anniversary. We have been divorced 11 years now. He has married twice since me and both times before he and I had been divorced for 3 years. I loved him...but I do not know if he even loved me. Love is not always enough. And if people can not see that or try to work at it...then a marriage is doomed from the start.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/02/2013

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This child will be able to sense how you feel towards her. She will feel your anger, and your hurt (unless you are REALLY a great actor). And your son will sense the difference as well, and treat his half sister differently.

If you love your husband, you need to be able to love this child. If not, you'll end up hurting both yourself, your son, and your stepdaughter in the long run.

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Queen Of My - posted on 10/03/2013

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Girl!!! I feel for you! I am sorry you are in so much pain. I had a situation that was not nearly as intense or complicated but it wounded me deeply and I think has probably changed me forever! I will never trust the same or feel the same about myself or the world again! At least for the past 2 years! Time has not yet healed my wounds! I have no real advise for you. Just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and am sending good thoughts in your direction. Good luck! I hope you and your husband can make it work. I totally get why seeing his other child would hurt you deeply but try not to let her feel your resentments. It is not her fault and she has a rough situation herself!

Sarika - posted on 10/02/2013

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@Evelyn, children do not have equal time with parents. And what importance is time really when one parent can have the kid for the entire day and have them in front of the tv till its pick up time while with the other parent, a mere 1 hour everything is on hold and that time is totally dedicated to the child? But today's society prefers a quick marriage and even quicker divorce because nobody has the time to devote to nurturing and mending.

Sarika - posted on 10/02/2013

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Veronica, let us know how it turned out and how you felt.
The importance of marriage is often underestimated. It must be difficult for you for every time you see this child or hear of her, you remember the past. Be strong in mind and have a large heart. Welcome the little one and you will see that soon, you would be looking out for her visits ;-)

C - posted on 10/02/2013

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Thanks for all th helpful honest comments. I speak little about this situation to anyone but it was like a bubble in my throat since today is/was the day, I had to get a third party opinion. So update, she is coming over tomorrow instead so I have more self prep time.

C - posted on 10/02/2013

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I didn't get married for the sake of just the kid. If that was the reason I would not be thinking about leaving now. Great people co parent all the time. I married for love knowing about his daughter tHinking that time heals all wounds. It does not. Also this is our only real problem. Its a doozy though.

C - posted on 10/02/2013

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@ sarika hart, there is nothing else really . I mean like every relationship we nip at each other here and there. Usually about stupid stuff like house chores. Its really a good relationship otherwise but this causes every blow up. I married for love knowing about the child thinking I can deal with it. So we will see. Today is d day and at least my child will have a play date.

Sarika - posted on 10/02/2013

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Hi, I have never been in this situation, but it is only you know what ELSE there is in your marriage that is causing you not to "like" your husband. I think that if you guys get along pretty good, and its only because of this situation with this other child, then you should and would find the answer to this only within you. If there are other big issues, then this might just be the icing on the cake.
You did marry him knowing about this kid, so girl, look at it as a play date with your kid when she comes to visit....eventually, according to how you handle it, things should work out fine.
Don't end your marriage and put your kid in the same situation as that kid is in. Ho things turn out depends on how you deal with the situation.
All the best.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/02/2013

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If you married him, knowing that he had another child, and were willing to marry him anyway, then my advice would be that if you feel that you cannot accept this child, and treat her with love, then get out now.

Its not her fault that her father can't keep his pecker in his pants. And it's not her fault that he was technically in a relationship when she was conceived.

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