My in-laws treat my daughter different

Tanya - posted on 05/11/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Several months ago my teen stepdaughter moved in with my husband and I. She was with a family member in MO for 3 years, and we live in CA.
She wasn't allowed to see the family here much at all. So clearly they are excited.
My problem is that I have a teen daughter, who with her stepsister has been inseparable. They were like best friends. But my in laws constantly invite or rather tell my husband of plans they've made with my stepdaughter. He says nothing. My mother-in-law controls everything with this teen.
Once again, without asking, Disneyland tickets were bought for her to go with his family on a school day. My husband was angry about her missing school, especially with her grades suffering and 13 school days left. My child is in school today, while his enjoys Disneyland.
But I was beyond angry. I had a sad mother's day, because my depressed teen stayed in bed from once again being secluded. My husband told me his family has no obligation to my daughter.
I'm beyond hurt. I treat his daughter as good as I do mine. Am I wrong to expect my daughter to be included? Before his daughter came, my daughter talked of how much she loved his mom as her grandma. She says She hates his family now.
This is wreaking havoc on my marriage, as my husband sees my feelings as wrong. And he will not say a word to his mom, when he is angry for his own reasons.
I'd appreciate input, because I really don't know if I'm wrong, but it surely feels wrong, and ny daughter is becoming very depressed.
Thanks, Tanya

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Raye - posted on 05/11/2015

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If your husband can't stand up to his mother, or make his daughter not be a brat by rubbing stuff in your daughters face, then there is a problem. As far as them making decisions about his daughter without talking to you... I'm on the fence with that. Yes, you're married, and as partners he should at least discuss his plans with you. However, there is separation with you and your daughter on one side and he and his daughter on the other... because legally a step parent has no standing with the step-child. It is up to you to raise your child as you see fit, and him to raise his child. Ideally, that would be done with you both discussing your decisions. Sadly, it doesn't always happen that way.

Raye - posted on 05/11/2015

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Your husband signed up to be a father to your daughter when he married you. And you signed up to be a mother to his daughter. So, you both should advocate to have both girls treated as equally as possible. His parents did not choose you and your daughter, and so they may be more biased toward their own blood. It's is very sad, but you can't really control what they do. Your husband, on the other hand, should be able to control what they do somewhat, especially if they are removing his daughter from school without his permission. it seems like you and your husband really need to sit down as iron out the details of how this new arrangement is going to work, and then be consistent with following through.

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Tanya - posted on 05/11/2015

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What is really upsetting, is his daughter lost her mother 3.5 years ago, she passed away. Her parents were seperated, he was in CA and mom in MO. Mom lost custody, so a relative had temporary custody.
My husband was torn as to forcing her to leave all she's known, but she burnt bridges there, and we got her.
She was causing problems here, because her boyfriend was there, and she was very determined that she was leaving.
My husband was saying, "I'm shipping her back, she's causing too much pain here." I told him she is your child, and belongs here, you need to keep her and she will appreciate it one day. It was a few weeks of misery, and that was very recent. But now she's accepted it, and is happy.
He treated my daughter and I so good. Wanted to ship his daughter away, but because I convinced him it was wrong, he realized that she is where she belongs.
Im afraid I sacraficed our family and my marriage, but I wouldn't change it. She's had too much pain, and needs her dad.

Tanya - posted on 05/11/2015

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Thank you. We did have a long talk, and his mother to my disapproval showed up at my home at the same time, but we did all talk. We had it resolved. That was 5 days ago, apparently what she herself said, as well as my husband, that we were a 4 family unit, and all plans grandma wanted would be brought to both of us parents before asking his child, but it's as if we never had the conversation.
Neither of them are following though with anything.
He and his mom had made plans to move my stepdaughter to a school 30 minutes from our home, which is 5 minutes from grandma's.
The high school where the girls go now is 5 minutes from our home, where both girls should stay. This,was the main reason for the talk we had. He and his mom made several life decisions about his daughter with me having no idea.
This behavior is causing a huge devision within our home. Its feeling like he, his child and his mom are family, then my daughter and I are a seperate part.
His daughter contacted mine several times yesterday rubbing it in that she was going to Disneyland. He not only seems to fear speaking his mind to his mother, but also never corrects his daughter.
Again, I treat the 2 girls equally.
It's painful to see my daughter so hurt.

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