my kid is getting more attached to my mother in law

Rania - posted on 07/23/2014 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I am a housewife i spent all the time with my 2 year old baby girl,i play with her,takecare of her i am with her 24/7 but she is more attached to her grandma its so irritating,we live with my husbands mom in their two story house,she lives doenstairs with her son and a daughter and we live in the upper portion,she onlonly comes for one hour everyday n my baby is attached to her more,my baby totally forgets me when she leaves she cries...i am so frustated what should ido...

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/24/2014

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Family counseling. A must, sounds like.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/24/2014

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Ok, like Jodi says, she's not 'choosing sides', she's 2 years old. She's gravitating towards the one person in her life right now that doesn't raise her voice.

You and hubby need to work on your interpersonal communication. Arguing is one thing, but screaming at each other in front of your child is NOT ok. Never, in any circumstance. Of course your daughter feels comfortable with your MIL...she doesn't scream at anyone in front of her.

She's only 2 her feelings at this point are not articulated. She only knows where she feels comfortable.

Have you and husband thought about counseling? You need to learn to discuss, not fight.

Rania - posted on 07/25/2014

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I come from a muslim culture and here husbands think mother have right to do whatever she wants stopping jet or even standing up to her is considered as a big sin according to our men here even though our islam doesnt allow this but out men does this...and cutting contact with his mom oooh he will slap me if i ever brought this matter up he will cut contact with me but not with his mom and i dont want a divorce its a big deal here my daughters future will be affected she wont get a good proposal because people will say her mom got a divorce so her daughter must be like a mom....well no one can help.me but thank you for such nice advice

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/24/2014

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Another must is to get out of mom's house. That will help tremendously.

Jodi - posted on 07/24/2014

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I wouldn't say scared of you, I would say upset over the situation. It takes two to fight, so the fighting isn't all your fault. But she senses tension. Perhaps you should address the fighting so that you don't fight. Is that something you can work on.

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Rania - posted on 07/25/2014

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No he never slapped me but he gets so angry that i am.afraid he will slap me and in our community i have friends who get beaten up every day by their husbands so its common in our community women of our comnunitu blame our women thats they should open their mouth infront of their husbands its their own fault that their husbands beat them sooo thats y i try not to say anything to my husband regarding his mom....

Angela - posted on 07/25/2014

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Well, at least you know that in the future you will not treat your own daughter-in-law like this.

I'm very sorry for your predicament Rania. When you say "cutting contact with his mom oooh he will slap me if i ever brought this matter up" does he slap you or use physical violence regularly? This is appalling! Do you not have any right to an opinion of your own? Choices of your own?

Can you get help from anyone within the community?

Angela - posted on 07/24/2014

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Rania, it seems that your HUSBAND has never recognised the importance of boundaries between parents and children when those children are grown and in adult life.

You do not say what country you are from or what culture etc ... Sadly, in some cultures it's encouraged and accepted for women to be subject to their mother-in-law - especially when living in the same house.

I'm British. The wife of a very close friend of my husband got one piece of advice too many when she was pregnant with her first baby. I don't know whether it was her mother or her mother-in-law but she cut off BOTH sets of parents and has never looked back! She has two grown children now who have great jobs and she and her husband are doing great. She has never regretted cutting the grandparents out of her children's lives!

That would be a little drastic for me. But you need to get tough and stand your ground.

Not all of us have mother-in-law issues. For some of us it's our own mothers who create the problems. Either way though, you really, really need to enforce boundaries. Check out a strategy for doing this successfully. It will be 10 times harder if your husband isn't behind you in this though. Good luck!

Rania - posted on 07/24/2014

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Angela dear you are right my husband dont stop her mayb he also knows that shes the one whoes providing us shelter but my husband has a very nice job in telecom company still he isnt ready to leave his mom i told him that lets buy a house in the same street where your mother lives so that you can be close to her but he says no i want to live in this house where my mom lives i cant be selfish like other leaving my mother all alone by herself....its soo hurting my head pains all the time mayb due to tension my MIL comes and tells me do this and that and i cant say anything to her back because of my husband and the hurting point is that my baby cries for my MIL and when i try to take her back from my MIL my baby hold my MIL and acts as if i am the stranger its soo hurting so hurting my MIL have taken over my family now,she even told my husband to leave me at home and go for outing with her and my baby i mean isnt that my place i.should be going out with mt baby and my husband not her why shes trying to take my place ARRRRG....iill read these blog for sure thabk you dear

Angela - posted on 07/24/2014

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Rania, your mother-in-law is NOT observing boundaries - moreover, she has been given free rein to behave in this way by your husband and also indirectly by YOU!

It's very easy to poke one's nose in and take over someone else's family life when you're the one providing something vital that they need. And she's providing shelter for you and your family. You need to get out of that house!

Here are some useful weblinks on in-laws and boundaries:

http://www.becomingabetterwoman.com/2011...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mate...

http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/topi...

http://theknottybride.com/39322

http://just-a-squirrel.com/2013/04/24/ma...

http://captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/247...

Rania - posted on 07/24/2014

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Yes thanks alot jodi for your advice...ill try that...and dear shawn i know that all my worries will end if m6 husband just buy another house for me and my baby...my mil i think gets jealous on small issues like me and my husband going out with our baby and she interfare alot but my husband says she will be alone CAN U IMAGINE my mother in law lives with her daughter who is doing a job and a son who is studying i mean how can she be alone but my husband says hes the elder so he have to watch out for her....arrrrg soo irritating i am stuck here forever i think

Rania - posted on 07/24/2014

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Yes ill try but i know no one will go with me....but thanks for your advice...

Rania - posted on 07/24/2014

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Yes you are right shawnn i know now that its us me and my husband'ss fault yes she's a baby but my mother in law do stuff to irritate me and because shes elder then me so i cant say anythig to her so when ever i try to explain it to my husband he just says no my mom didnt mean it you think so negative and so we start fighting but my baby dont know that its her grandma who create a fight and then she acts like shes a vert calm nice lady infront of my baby sometimes i just want to bang my head on the wall i am 28 years old she is always pointing out that when i got married i was only 20 years old and you become tired carrying your baby because you got married at age of 27 shes saying stuff to irritate me so that i should fight with her and my husband should get more angry at me but i dont say anything to her i just want my husband to listen to me but hes always taking her side no matter what...hate it soo much

Rania - posted on 07/24/2014

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Yes you are right maybe she sees us fighting thats y she goes to her grandma becoz my mother in law never shouted infront of her and on the other hand me and my husband shouts fight alot infront of her...maybe shes getting scared of me...

Jodi - posted on 07/24/2014

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Your kid is 2. your kid is not taking sides. But you and your husband have to stop fighting in front of your child. That is probably what the distress is about, not that she doesn't want to leave your MIL, but that she doesn't want to come back into a home where there is fighting. your child senses your distress and is mirroring your emotions.

Rania - posted on 07/24/2014

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Yes mayb i am jealous but when ever me and my husband fights my mother in law takes my kid and says leave ur wife at her mother place for some days so that she should know the importance of having a husband and she says ill keep the baby i can take care of her she is attacted to me more she wont miss her mom any way...and when i try to get my baby back from my mother in law my baby starts crying that she wants to be with her grandmother...its soo irritating my husband is always taking his moms side and now my kid who i thought will be mine is also on my mother in law side...i feel soo lonely and depressed

Jodi - posted on 07/23/2014

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You're not frustrated, you're jealous. I think you need to ask yourself why you are so jealous. After all, you will always be the child's mother. There is nothing wrong with your daughter forming an attachment with her grandmother.

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