My kids are destroying my marriage I want to give their dad custody

Latasha - posted on 09/08/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My kids misbehave and break things. They go into our bedroom and take things when we are not home. They interrupt us when we trying to watch tv or talk to each. We take them places they show out and embarass us. My son is 12 and my daughter is 13 no little kids at all.
They secretly communicate with their dad through email and phone calls but they say they don't want to live with me..

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Michelle - posted on 09/09/2014

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I'm more concerned about the comment that the children are "secretly" contacting their Father. Why do they have to communicate with him in secret? He's their Father and they should be allowed to communicate with him.
If they have to sneak around behind your back to talk to him then, yes, they are going play up.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/08/2014

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You make a comment about your kids being unruly, no further explanation from you, and you say you're going to give their dad custody.

Going off of that, you were given suggestions to get them into therapy, or alternatively, since you'd already decided to give up custody, it was recommended that you surrender all rights, since (going by YOUR post) it didn't seem as if you really cared to have them around.

Don't blame the answers that you get on OUR lack of understanding. We go by what YOU post.

Now that you've claimed to have had them in therapy for years, what is the therapists' recommendation? Have you had any recommendations? Have you restructured your routine/house to perhaps help with whatever issues your kids are handling?

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Gardensparrow - posted on 10/08/2014

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You're so welcome!

gardensparrow
"Happiness is a warm puppy" ~ Charles Schultz

Amber - posted on 09/09/2014

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Latasha
as I read through this post, I noticed how other people seemed to have pretty harsh comments. I'm sure those were very hurtful to you. I am sorry you are having a hard time with your children. I'm not taking up for the things they said, but by reading your post I can see how they would respond in the way they did. This is a very delicate situation. To start off, were you married to your children's father?if so I'm sure that the children are just having a hard time with the divorce. It is hard being their age and dealing with a new comer to the family even if he was introduced to them for 4 years before you married him. No child wants to share their mother with somebody other than their father. All of the things you described them disrupting were thing that you and your current husband are trying to share together. Which is acting out jealous behavior in the only way young teenagers know how to do. I can tell you what they are probably thinking. They think that if they keep messing everything between you and your new husband up that eventually you both will give up and the marriage will end. Then he will leave and that will make a new slot for daddy to come back in. What they do not anticipate though is that you will act on, and that is that you will give full custody to their father. Which I'm sure that deep down that is not what they want. No child wants to be separated from their mother, unless she is a worthless and mean mother. If you are decent and have show love to them since they were born, they will not want to part from you. Do not take this harsh but please do not put them through more than they have already been through. Divorce is very hard on a child. If you let them go, they will feel abandoned and resent you for the rest of their lives. You gave birth to them, so you need to take care of them until they can take care of themselves. You need to start introducing positive things back in their lives with you and your current husband. Get them involved with church groups for their age. Let them be around positive and well behaved children their age. And most of all pray for them and for the reconstruction of your beautiful family. I'd you are not a believer, pray anyways. God always listens to mothers who are genuinely concerned for their children. Take pride in yourself and in your authority. You are the only mother they will ever have. It is your responsibility to ensure they make it through life more so than their fathers. You carries them for nine months, pray for the strength to carry them a few more years till they can on their own. I wish you the best of luck.

Gardensparrow - posted on 09/09/2014

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Hi Latasha~
I'm sorry things have been so rough with your kids. But that's great you've been getting them involved in therapy. Hopefully, in the long run, you'll see some changes in their behavior. Also, I wondered if you've had a chance to get the therapist's take on what's going on and whether giving their dad custody would be in their (and your) best interest? Sometimes the advice of a counselor can be invaluable in situations like this-especially because they have more details about what's been going on than we do. But I'll definitely be praying that you'll know what decision to make and things will settle down with your children. Hang in there!

Tanya - posted on 09/08/2014

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Have you tried asking their father what they are telling him, why they want to live with him. Maybe you can get some insight.

I can imagine how hard it is to have a new relationship, but something Is bothering them.

You don't have to be single because you have children from another man, and your children don't have to suffer either...sometimes I think that therapist are all bogus...it works for some people and not for others.

Remember that they are not little children but they are still very young.

I think you need to sit down and reflect...come up with a solution. There is a solution to every problem. Why not sit down and explain to them how you feel...of course in young teenage language. Tell them that it hurts your feelings when they act out like that. Discipline doesn't always have to be harsh. My mom was always harsh with me and it never worked...

Tanya - posted on 09/08/2014

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I agree with the others that you didn't provide much information so I'm not sure what answers you expected. But now that you have, what did the therapist suggest?

You should sit down with your kids (alone, with the therapist or with your husband) & ask them what they want to do & why. Kids in a divorce situation can decide to live with one parent over the other & it doesn't always mean there's a problem. If they have a good father & it's in their best interests, then let them live there full time but PLEASE at least have regular visitation. But you need to find the root cause to there anger & resolve it ASAP before they really hurt themselves or someone else. Good luck

Dove - posted on 09/08/2014

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Again... ditto everything Shawnn has said. You can not give partial information and except accurate responses. Therapy for 7 years and you are still having all these issues? Either they have a crap therapist, you all aren't doing the suggestions, or your kids have even more issues than you are still mentioning.

Latasha - posted on 09/08/2014

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First off..I had been dating my husband for 4 years before we got married. Secondly we do have a therapist and the children have been seeing a therapist since they were 5. And we both spend time with them separately and together. I have never left them anywhere. .Perhaps you should both ask more facts before you start to make comments like that.Thanks for your support!!!

Dove - posted on 09/08/2014

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Ditto Shawnn... either get your family and especially your kids the help that is needed here... or give up all your rights to their father, so they can hopefully have a home where they are loved and valued.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/08/2014

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Sounds like you did not prepare your kids well for the new relationship (as in, sounds like you didn't prepare them AT ALL) and now they are showing predictable behaviour in reaction.

They can tell that you don't want them around, and they're going to continue to act out. When you DO sign over custody, go ahead and sign over your rights as well, since it sounds as if your new man is more important than the kids that you gave birth to.

Either that, or get some family therapy going, and learn how to change your attitude towards your kids.

Tanya - posted on 09/08/2014

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I'm assuming the kids are from a different relationship? Have you tried to talk to them alone, without your husband to see if they will open up as to what is the problem? Have you tried counseling to see if there is something going on?

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