My kids father is forcing them to be in his wedding!

Liz - posted on 07/21/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My kids are anxious and stressed out about being in their father's wedding. They are still dealing with the divorce and the fact that he is marrying his long-time friend/band member! He refuses to accept their plea to not be in his wedding...!

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Sarah - posted on 07/21/2015

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How old are they? They aren't machines, he can't force them to participate. If they are very young, he can anticipate a few meltdowns. If they are older, they should be able to choose. How long ago did you split up? When you say friend/band member, is he marrying another woman or a man?

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Michelle - posted on 07/28/2015

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I guess there's just no reasoning with some people. My ex is like that as well, drives me insane!!!!

Liz - posted on 07/27/2015

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Yes, I agree Michelle. Thank you for your response. Unfortunately, that is the problem I'm always faced with. I had explained the situation exactly as you put it and sincerely told him that I do not want them to end up resenting him because he has always pushed them into his choices and feels that they just need to go along.

Michelle - posted on 07/25/2015

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Maybe you need to talk to your ex about it. Let him that the choice is the children's and if he can't respect that then he will only push them away. Forcing them to be involved will only make them resent him.
He needs to be able to respect their choices and feeling instead of just his own.

Liz - posted on 07/25/2015

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Yes, Jodi, I have discussed with them why they do not want to participate in the wedding. I speak to my children all the time about their feelings, opinions and emotions. I did encourage them to participate for their father's sake and happiness. At this point, they feel they have no choice in the matter as their father has made them feel from the start of our divorce.

Liz - posted on 07/25/2015

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The reason why they do not want to be in the wedding is because they are not content with the situation. Their father announced his relationship with his long-time fairly early on during our separation and began to include them on outings and "family-like" events with this woman. They were 10 and 7 at the time, so they didn't grasp the circumstances. He moved them in with her and him before the were able to heal and make sense of the situation, and as time went by, they began to react rather resentful. As they are older now, they've come to have harsh feelings toward their father's relationship with his fiance, as they now see why the separation/divorce had happened so suddenly. I can't get into all the details, but it was a very traumatic divorce.

Sarah - posted on 07/24/2015

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The other moms ask a good question; why do they not want to be the the wedding? Are they shy? Do they not like their new step-mom? Are the afraid of hurting your feelings? Are they angry at dad?
While I agree you can't force them, it's ok to tell them that you will be fine with them being in the wedding. Are their other children from her side in the ceremony?

Jodi - posted on 07/22/2015

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I think my first question is why don't they want to participate? You really need to talk to them about this and see if there is any way that they could be encouraged to attend. While I understand you are probably in a place where you think this wedding shouldn't be happening (it's too soon, you are hurt, maybe even angry) these feelings shouldn't be projected to your children, and I strongly suspect that a part of why they don't want to go is because they don't want to hurt you. I could be wrong, but I want to put that out there and ask that you put aside your feelings aside and help your children see that this is an important day for their dad and it is important to him that they be a part of that.

Dove - posted on 07/21/2015

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I should add... have you discussed w/ the kids why they don't want to and if they WOULD be willing to do it for him? This needs to be completely their decision, but make sure they have thought it through.

Dove - posted on 07/21/2015

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You don't tell him that you forbid them (because then it is YOU keeping them from doing it), but you tell him that they do not want to and it is not up for discussion anymore. He can't force them to do anything. Just keep reminding THEM that this is 100% their decision and you will fully support them in whatever they decide. If they have told their father that they don't want to and YOU have told their father that they don't want to and he just won't listen... that's his problem to deal with... not all of yours.

Liz - posted on 07/21/2015

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She is a woman and my family has known her for most the our 16 yr. marriage (They played together in a band). We were separated 2 1/2 yrs ago and divorce was finalized Nov. 2014. My children are 13 (girl) and 9 (boy). They asked me to speak to him regarding their issue with participating in the wedding party and when I did, he asked them if they were not able to do it for her or themselves, can they do it for him. Do I tell him that I forbid them to participate because they don't want to? I don't know how to handle this.

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