My life

[deleted account] ( no moms have responded yet )

I don't know where to begin! I got with my husband at age 13 he was using drugs and very verbally abusive he did get physical at one time in the past but I stayed with him! My parents divorce when I was 11 and his mom saved me and pulled me out of a dark hole! I thought I was in live with this moment from the first day I met him but I'm not sure I really was! I was also at the time using drugs and drinking alcohol! My family despised him and hated him for the way he treated me but he was the only thing I knew and had or felt I did! I became very afraid and feared that if I ended it he would hurt me! So me being so broken and emotionally destroyed I felt like if I had a baby I would feel the love I needed and maybe he would open up his eyes and change his bad ways! I did just that at 16 I got pregnant with our son and he never changed but I had that love that I needed! We got married two years later and it was a very rocky road we have amazing days and really bad ones...the bad ones came and when they did they were horrifying I feared for my life and my sons although I don't think he would ever hurt him...there was a point when I wanted to leave but I lost all my self esteem and confidence and strength I just stayed because it was easier! Two years later I got pregnant with my girls...things seemed to get better we stopped doing drugs but after they were born we had a new addiction alcoholism! He is a mean drunk and very verbally abusive! Anytime something would go wrong he would run and I would drink! There came a point when we were good for a while and I had hope! Then he lost his job and instead of coping and fixing things once Again he wanted to run! We came back home to his mom and it was okay for awhile! Then I got a job first and I think he felt like I was better than him because of it although I was just doing what was best for our kids and us...surviving no matter what it took! Every single day he would accuse me I was cheating and I didn't love him and at one point he got bak on drugs and still drank as did I! Our marriage has been so unhealthy and I have always tried to make him happy I gave up family and friends to make him happy hoping for unconditionally love from him but that wasn't the case! He got a job and things got better so I thought but truly it was hidden behind alcohol! We moved again thinking it would better things but still it has not...he has not been on drugs for a while now and only drinks on occasion not as bad as he was I once again had hope! Before we moved he threatened to take the kids away from me if I didn't go! So me as my kids being the only thing I have left that he hasn't taken away from me and the only reason I have to live for they are my life and without them I would be so lost! He had a great job and the sole provider of our family but we still argue and fight he's still gets verbally abusive wen he drinks and towards the kids as well I'm jot saying he's not a good dad because he is but when the bad days hit they are really bad! I have stopped drinking completely and I feel great physically but emotionally I am a wreck! I have such a clear mind setting and look back at our life and the only good that came from it was our three beautiful children! I am so depressed and don't know what to do! I have no friends or family still just his family but I can't turn to them as I'm sure they will side with him! I've only stayed because my biggest fear is he will take the one thing I have left and that is my babies! I have come to realize that I can't stay with him and put the bad things behind me unless I drink but when I wake up it wears off and things are the same! He has been trying but I can't do it anymore not sober! I love him and always will but only because he has given me the greatest gift our babies! I have no one to turn to please I need advice...options help!! Please someone help me!

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