My MIL

Zainab - posted on 10/07/2016 ( 20 moms have responded )

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My mother in law want to boss over me all the time but she knows i wont agree on anything which does not suit my 10 months old daughter. My inlaws were staying in other city but have come to stay in our 2bhk flat since 2 months approximately. Now the problem is ever si ce i have got engaged n married to my hubby i have seen my MIL emotionally blackmailing my hubby to do what she likes by crying or saying sentences which proves her to be sensitive(what she is not in real) and also use to say things which could prove that I do not talk to her properly or do not give my little one to her to play with. In result my hubby used to figth with me. Now my mother in law has started torturing me by calling my little one with different funny names n also hit her infront of me... Not harder but just to make me feel insecure. Now today she bite my baby on her arm so hard that my daughters face changed and she was about to cry. My baby was in my hubbys arms, still he didnt say anything to her. When i checked opening my babys sleeves, her arm was red in the area my MIL bite. Although my baby was normal not crying nothing, but she felt pain wen my mil bite her. The worst part is that I had to remain silent but couldnt stop myself.. I took my daughter and went to other corner of the room. I need some guidence how should i react. My motherly feeling is saying i should raise a complain against her but i dont want to spoil relationships as well for lifetime. Tonight i am for sure going to sit and oppose this act. But what i should say to keep my baby safe the next time. I am feeling like crying and am getting too much of stress that i couldnt say anything to my MIL. Plz tell me wat to do?

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Sarah - posted on 10/11/2016

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Your finances are not her business and I'd try to get your hubby to hear your side of this and ask them to leave.

Sarah - posted on 10/08/2016

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You find a way to put your foot down. Let her hold the child and hover right near by; the second she hurts the baby, you whisk her away and say; I will not allow you to hurt my baby. Then leave it for your hubby to fix..

Michelle - posted on 10/08/2016

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Why is she living with you?
Your husband should be supporting you, not siding with his Mother. He has chosen you as his partner, she has had her time with him.

Monica - posted on 10/08/2016

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Zainab,

I just want to clear up my response. I of course do not believe in BITING, but you made it seem as though your checked your child's arm and it was fine. It was just a little red, almost like a kiss or hickey. If she BIT your child, I would tell her to get out of your house she is crazy, but a hickey or kiss is not the same thing.

Monica

Sarah - posted on 10/07/2016

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This is a duplicate post, my response from the other thread:
Why are you and your husband not in agreement about her hurting the baby? If he was there, he should have said something! I'd talk to him first, lay everything out and tell him you will stand by and allow your baby to be hit or bitten! If he won't back you up then you are going to have to stand up to both him and your MIL on your own. What she did is disgraceful and if my MIL every bit one of my kids? I'd kick her out. I understand there may be some cultural issues that are complicating the problem. He was probably raised to honor her and not stand up to her. However, this is his child and abuse cannot be tolerated. If you chose to leave, do you have support you can turn too?

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Lisa - posted on 10/18/2016

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How long are they living with you? What country are you in? What is the plan for the future? This is not a safe place for you or the baby physically or emotionally. You are being abused and manipulated. Your husband needs to understand that this is not the way it should be. If you are part of a culture where your in-laws are in authority over you, then you have a bigger problem. The only thing you can do is talk to your husband. He is supposed to protect you and take your side and stand behind you - not his mom, no matter what she says. Marriage is about creating a new family that works together. I am sorry for your struggles mama, but this is something you need to deal with now.

Zainab - posted on 10/12/2016

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Very true sarah They should not interfere in these issues.. But as michelle said.. this is exactly what happens always, my hubby trust his mothers innocent face over my words😭
(India-maharashta-pune)

Michelle - posted on 10/12/2016

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What country are you in?
It sounds like India (or somewhere near there). I guess it is your culture to have the older generation living with you but they should be doing that for their elders, not staying with you.
You husband probably won't stand up to his Mother either, it's not encouraged.
Unless your husband takes your side and stands up to his parents then you are stuck. If he sticks by her then whatever you say to her will be turned around and she will make you out to be the bad person to your husband. Unfortunately, he will probably believe her over you.

Zainab - posted on 10/11/2016

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Sorry
I forgot to mention the main thing..
The reason why i wrote all this is that one of my MILs reason to stay with us is also keeping a watch of what expenses i do.. So that bcoz of their presence i wont (in their words) 'waste money'

Zainab - posted on 10/10/2016

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Actually ur question is really difficult for me.
What my Mil says is different and what i feel is different.
My MIL says, they are here in pune city with us now leaving their own house in gujrat just bcoz they were worried all the time for their kid(my hubby). They say they r here just for their kid.
And what i feel is that this is a big big lie to fool me n others.
My MIL is 50 years of age and my FIL is 5 years more. They have one son other than my hubby who is now 16 years of age. He has now got admission here in pune city for his further studies in a college. My MIL has her own aged MIL(72) n FIL(79) whom she has left behind in Gujrat(they are fit enough to walk and work for themselves though)
They are here just to have a better life for themselves. They want to have facilities to pamper themselves, which i would never mind they having without torchuring me n taunting me. My MIL keeps taunting all the time that i am very careless about money saving. I spend alot. But they also at the same time like to use those facilities on which i have spent their sons income and they taunt me. She never thanks for the things i arrange for their convinience instead keep taunting why should u spent on these things,but they use it happily. (Trust me i didnt buy even a pair of shoes for myself since a year & half, as i have two which can still b fine for some months ahead) i dont like wasting money on unnecessary things. I just do one time investments on stuffs which can facilitate our living and save time and energy. Just for an eg. I was using hand broom previously then i bought a vaccum cleaner bcoz i was pregnant and couldnt bend on the floor nor i had any maid or helper, but this was counted as wastage of money by my MIL when she came.
Sorry but i cant stop writing things when it comes to why they are here... Bcoz this is an indigestible statement that they r here for their son who lived alone as a bachelor since 14 years and now happily married and a father too. I dont feel he needs them now to take care of him.(though he loves them offcourse) He would want them b4 but they stayed in gujrat. No doubt i n my hubby kept worrying for my inlaws health n its easy to take care of them when they are here, but i wish a seperate house for them just because of my MILs nature n behaviour.
Really sad on this😭

Michelle - posted on 10/09/2016

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There are still questions you haven't answered.
Why are your in laws living with you?
Where do you live? What culture condones biting as affection?

Zainab - posted on 10/09/2016

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I have never seen such acts in any of the families i have come accross. In my inlaws not only my hubby does that, even his younger brother is a little bit the same. This is the way they are brought up. I dont know why are they so.. I really can't understand their reason or action

Sarah - posted on 10/09/2016

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There is a rally odd dynamic here. Your hubby bites his mother as a sign of affection? Is there a cultural component I don't understand?

Zainab - posted on 10/09/2016

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U r right but u know wenever i say plz dont do it to her.. They say 'we know what to do n wat not to do to her, we love her more than u'
i would not like to hurt them at all.. They can keep any myth in their mind, its fine but they dont stop doing those acts. They teach her to hit her own dad. They teach her to call her dad by his first name instead of daddy. They teach her all those stuffs which is counted as misbehaving. They keep saying mummy will scold u, daddy will hit u wen she does some naughty act. But i dont want my daughter to be scared of her own parents. We will never hit her i am sure. I try teaching her good manners from now but they keep wasting my training. What to do in this?
For your knowledge i must say, my hubby calls his mom dad n his grandparents by their names. My hubby bites his mom n grandmom as well really hard on cheeks or sometimes on arms. He pinches n hits them on lap or sometime press the ankel bone till it pains. When i see these things i feel he need to c a psychiatrist. But amazingly he has learnt all those stuffs bcoz he was never stopped by them. They call it as LOVE. I suppose they have really got a wrong information about what is love.
I cant bare these things coming into my baby, but being in joint family i cant stop them everytime they teach it. It can be when i am not around, what should i do?

Sarah - posted on 10/09/2016

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Well, you don't want to hurt her feelings or piss her off. Why can't you just have frank conversation about how to treat your child?

Zainab - posted on 10/09/2016

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Ok.. This wil b perfect i suppose..
Although it sounds easy but its really a difficult one in my family. But i wil do it.
N sarah one more thing i would like to have ur suggestion, my MIL is alot worried about 'what others say or think'. So i got into mind that when she is with some family friend and ask to get my daughter, i may handover my daughter to her but while giving i may say very politely 'plz mum dont bite her,it hurts'
She wil not like it but she will next tym b careful that i will spit it all infront of anyone.
What do u think?

Zainab - posted on 10/08/2016

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Thankyou all of u.
Sarah
Monica
Michelle
Your responses are really helping me alot..
I am trying to take things positively n trying to be normal but i am not able to handover my daughter to my MIL since the time she bit her.
I really really need some advises..
I spoke to my husband to get a seperate house for them or me, He says he dont want to as of now. He says may be after some time he will. But trust me i am not able to talk to my MIL like before. I want to behave normal but i cant. Which is resulting in bad atmosphere at home for us. What should i do? I wil go crazy with these thoughts and insecurity. I am getting lot of mental stress.

Zainab - posted on 10/07/2016

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Absolutely the same reason given by my MIL.. She says she does that out of love.. I have never been loved by my grandparents or parents like this.. What kind of a love is this.
I have decided to make a meet with my husband n mil at the same time in the house, will ask them to decide if they want to continue the same behaviour.. If yes i need to get a seperate house. Although i have my parents staying in near by city but i dont want to stay there. I feel i should not leave my husband for my mils behaviour. But here comes the question, will my hubby support me n stand for his daughters rights? He respects his parents n so do i but being a mom i cant feel that respect the same it was b4 my mil had biten my baby

Sarah - posted on 10/07/2016

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Monica, I disagree with:
"You can gently ask her not to be as rough and be more gentle, but it is her decision as to how she bonds."
If biting is part of bonding, then it is not acceptable and mom has every reason to say "don't bite my child", Why would a grandparent need to bond by hurting a child?

Monica - posted on 10/07/2016

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Zainab,

I am sorry to hear that you are having difficulties with your MIL. My girls are much older now, but I do have an MIL. In our family the MIL is treated with great respect. I don't understand why your MIL is biting your daughter, that is strange. However as long as she is not breaking the skin or hurting her it may be just her way of bonding with her. You can gently ask her not to be as rough and be more gentle, but it is her decision as to how she bonds.

The more important question is how MIL treat you and you treat her. Are you affectionate with MIL? Do you greet her with a kiss and hug? Is she strict with you? Maybe you should talk to her about how she expects you to treat her.

Feel free to PM me or chat in here.

Monica

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