my mom wants me to discipline my son

Temple - posted on 07/27/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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When my son was about 2 1/2 I left my husband and moved closer tgriom. She wasn't happy about it but I didn't have any other family and for custody reasons I need to show family support. Well she was very critical and mean and focused on my son's supposed lack of discipline. I started to spank my son and she said that this was proper and that I probably was not strict enough. When I described the anguish I felt at having done this she just said that I had to do something and kept up the criticism for any little thing. My son is or was a really good boy. Once in a restaurant he was acting up and my mom said that she thought all lids were the same just that some of them were better disciples than others with a meaningful glance at my son. Well I shortly pulled on his arm and yelled alittle to get Him to stop and felt terrible. And she just got this satisfied smirk on her face. My step dad recently divorced her saying that he was tired of being tortured for the last ten years. She said it was because he didn't like us or us moving here. So then I was made to feel that she gave up her marriage for us. She threatened to kick us out once so I left. She never even bothered to call to see if we were ok in over two weeks. I now know that she is intentionally trying to make me look bad in front of other family. Is she really this evil? How could I have not seen it? I've asked her to please be supportive even if she doesn't agree with my parenting style to just refrain from making nasty comments. She still does it. It's not meant to help. I really think she enjoys watching my pain and especially if I fail. Can this be true?

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Dove - posted on 07/27/2014

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Yes. Your mother sounds like an abusive woman with a lot of issues. I recommend getting away from her and getting yourself into counseling to deal with it and to find a better way to teach your son.

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Guest - posted on 07/27/2014

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Unfortunately, EVERYONE has an opinion on how we should or should not parent our children, and somewhat fortunately, in most places they are entitled to the right to express those opinions.

You are an adult, so you have some choices, but those choices come with consequences.

If you choose for your mother to be a part of your life and your child's life, you have to put up with the rude, condescending comments. You have to decide whether her presence in your lives is worth enduring the verbal assault, or if you would be better off with her out of your lives.

If you choose to cut her out, you have to take responsibility for that action, you have to admit to yourself that YOU chose to cut her out because YOU didn't want her in your life. YOU decided that your lives were considerably better without her. There is NOTHING wrong with that decision, but if you just keep blaming her for you cutting her out, you will never find peace.

That said, just because she makes snide comments doesn't mean they are true or that you have to listen to them or follow her advice. If you really love your mom so much that you can't bear the thought of cutting her out of your lives, you can politely respond to her rude comments by smiling and saying, "Thank you for that advice, I'll consider it." If she is especially pushy you can add "But ultimately, the way I parent my son is my decision, and I will do it the way I think is best for him." No matter how firm you are, though, don't expect her to ever stop criticizing you. Some people just do that, that is who they are. They think the only way they can be valuable is to tell others how to do things. You have to look at your mom and ask yourself, "Is she criticizing me because that is the only way she can feel good about herself, or is she doing it to make me miserable?" The answer is important, because if she just needs to feel good, and you love her too much to end the relationship, you can smile and nod and she'll feel okay, but if she is doing it to hurt you, you should probably move on without her.

Honestly, I think people put too much emphasis on the importance of having a mother, or having a relationship with a mother. I didn't have one, and I turned out just fine. Just find a mother-like figure to take her place, that's what I did. And really, people who adopt children are just doing the same thing in reverse. We are all just people, just go out and forge relationships with other people you like. I don't get this whole "biological attachment" thing, but maybe it's because my biological parents aren't my parents....who knows?

Temple - posted on 07/27/2014

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Thank you Dove. Sometimes it's hard to really see things when you are close and need someone else's perspective. I don't tell my friends but maybe I will now. Thank you!

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