Annie - posted on 11/26/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )
I have to say that Motherhood for myself so far has been more frustrating than feeling the maternal strong love for my children and I feel like a failure so far for it. I do Love all my three wonderful children to pieces deep down, but it's always felt like the strong maternal bond that I've always dreamn't of having, wasn't ever really there. Ya know that strong Maternal bond feeling I'm talking about that Mom's that don't deal with depression or mental health issues have? The ones who you see fully bonding with their children? The ones you see who are glowing inside and out with a sweet stance to them who also seem to have the picture perfect life. Yea yea yea, I know the grass isn't greener on the other side? I do know, and am fully aware that I am not psychic and can't see through a glass bubble what's happening behind closed doors in their lives but when I see mom's like that I can admit I feel a sense of failure in my life as a person and most of all as a Mother and wonder and start analyzing myself to what I'm lacking. Or, why I can't have that picture perfect happy feeling inside? also when I talk about the Maternal Bond thing, I always think of how even years back before it was even talked about since there was so much stigma to the PPD issue years ago like in the 50's way before my time, however, I'm sure there is still a stigma to it when a Mom doesn't bond with her child the way society thinks a Mother should act and behave and therefore society thinks Mom's like me are automatically unfit or don't deserve our own children and judge us? I can see how insecurities can honestly happen like in myself. Also, compared to some who never have had to deal with Depression and Mental health issues like myself and many others like myself that sadly have had to deal with Depression and Mental Health issues, It just doesn't seem fair. Yes, life isn't fair but this is a big deal to me.
To fill you ladies in on who I am. My name is Annie, I am 35 years old and have two Beautiful daughters who's ages are 13 years old, 9 years old, and my Son who is 22 months old. I also have a wonderful man in my life who I've been with for over 8 years now. Anyway to get back to the subject of being a Mother with Depression. Yes, unfortunately that is indeed myself. All three kids I unfortunately had a issue with Post Partum Depression and I know that darn depression is more than likely what's been the main reason why I've never been able to fee a maternal full bond with all my kids. I hope I don't sound like a terrible Mother because I know I'm not but I just want to be able to bond better with all three of my kids. Now the oldest one it seems like there is more of a bond in my heart and soul for her than the other two. Again, yes I know that sounds terrible but believe me ladies it makes me feel like a awful terrible person.
To make things worse, I do believe I probably also suffer from a form of PPD OCD. I've never been diagnosed by a Doctor with having a form of OCD although I know I have it because when I get anxious I start having thoughts that bother me but even worse than that I repeat things I am doing. Like for example, when I take a shower (I don't have germ phobia BTW) but when I take a shower I will repeat washing my hair just hoping if I do that ; that these anxious anxiety forming thoughts will go away and that all my anxieties will diminish for good. Sounds silly? yes it does but I can't help it. I know deep down I would never hurt my children especially my youngest who is my son who is the 22 month old not only has a severe speech delay but has a habit of being very whiny and crabby most days and cries all the time. My anxiety is so bad I had to call my Darling guy home because I had a severe panic attack because our son wouldn't non stop crying and whining and it was getting extremely overwhelming. I want to so bad be a good Mom. I don't want these dumb fears of losing it within or losing my patience especially with my darling son to get so bad that I act out on it. I tend to get irritable easily when he fusses and feel angry inside and I wish those feelings would stop. What kinda person let alone Mother am I? I know I'm a sweet Loveable person and caring gal and I know I have it in me to succeed but feel so alone with my thoughts sometimes and my impatience. Sorry if my sentences may be running into each other or that very visibly my punctuation is bad or that I'm somewhat not purposely repeating myself but I'm just so shaken up right now, frustrated with my fears of harming my own child when I get upset enough that I fear one day I won't be able to stop myself over frustration that I'm letting those fears put a wedge and stop from being able to enjoy the moments I should fully be able to enjoy as a Mom. My fiance and I are very much low income and cannot afford a nanny, let alone a sitter right now and I just don't know where to turn for help when we have no money to get help. :'(
Please no body bash me on my post as I just need support and thoughts from those who truly do care and maybe have been in this situation as a Mom so please feel free to share your thoughts, opinions, suggestions what not.