My mother does'nt respect my rights as a mom

Sara - posted on 05/22/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone,

We have asked my MIl and my sister to take care of our 14 month old daughter since I am back to work and each takes 2 days.
When my sister teaches lo so many words my MIl has focused to teach her daddy only and now LO points at every man and picture saying daddy!
Today, when I asked my MIL to work on "mommy" and put some books for her to do that, she started working on grandma instead!
She was reading the book "George " to her and practicing daddy with her by saying George' friend is daddy. I do not mind Daddy at all please don't get me wrong but why not mommy too? IF you guys have read that book to your child, there are so many women with their stroller in the book but she finds an old lady and calls her grand ma. right after I have asked her to please teach her "mommy" as well.
When we go to a family gathering, she takes my daughter from me specially when LO cries and before I know it she has grabbed her from my arms! When I ask my daughter to not to do some thing , MIL responds on her behalf saying" well, it's OK to do it some times!"
teaching my daughter to talk back at me.
I do not know how to handle this situations at all. My husband has spoke to her but she is full of surprises. Please let me know if anyone goes through the same and what to do.?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/23/2012

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With me it was my mother.

I simply looked at her (Children were present) and asked her who was the mother this go around.

Literally. "mom, you had your time to raise kids, and you've even told me that you didn't enjoy it all that much. So, who's the mother during this go around? You, or me? Because if its you, I'll be more than happy to pack their stuff and bring 'em on up"

She sputtered for a bit, and then admitted that she was being pushy, overbearing, and was sorry. She has never, to this day, tried the same tactics.

Now, I have to say this as well. You are getting family to take care of your kids. That's fine, not a problem. But, are you PAYING them? Because, if not, you're taking advantage. (If you've offered, and they've refused, then I withdraw that statement). But, regardless, when my kids had to go to childcare, I did not presume to tell them what to teach my kids. That, in my opinion, is micro managing.

And, I may add, you should have plenty of opportunity to introduce "mommy" into your child's vocabulary, rather than stressing that your mother in law has focused on "daddy" and "grandma". In the long run, you're going to find many, many more important things to stress about.

Another little thing to think about...If you are upset by the behaviour of your MIL now, when kiddo is young, and you don't take steps to mitigate the behaviour now, what are you going to do when kiddo gets older, and MIL starts "taking over" more?

Stifler's - posted on 05/23/2012

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I think the more you get upset about this and nitpickety the more she will not do anything you ask. In my experience with my mother in law who says one thing then does another then gives me opposite advice the next day.

[deleted account]

I had trouble with my mother in law in the past, trying to tell me not to do this or that. I ended up telling her that i will do what i see fit with my child. MY CHIld ISN"T HER CHILD. she never had any right what so ever. IF this woman came and took my child out of my arms, well i would have went off. She maybe watching your child while you are working, but she is not having any respect for you. Maybe you need to find someone else to watch your child, since she isn't having respect. When you tell your child something and this woman is telling your child something else. It is teaching your child to not to obey you and that's not right.I would tell this woman that if she cannot respect you on how you want your child raised, then she don't need to be around the child. I'm sorry i would have already told her off and where to go if she can't have respect. You better stop it now before it goes even futher or you are going to have worse problems than what you already do. That is my advice, but you have to do what you think is best.

Amy - posted on 05/22/2012

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You should get someone to tend your kids while you have a private conversation with her. Dont talk to her like she is your mom talk to her like she is a whiny teenager and firmly tell her they are your children and she is not to take them from you or teach then to talk back. If ya let her get away with doing it she will just get worse and worse until ya no longer even want to be around her and it is harmful to everyone.
Sorry but sometimes ya have to be a little B**** even when ya really dont want to. I had to do this with my mom before she stopped questioning me at every turn. It brings alot of respect into the relationship and makes everyone happier

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MB - posted on 05/23/2012

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How about you pay for a different sitter and that will be the end of that. The minute you voluntarily give your kid to your mother or MIL, especially if you are not paying them the going daycare rate, you get what you get.

Nicole - posted on 05/23/2012

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As a child care provider, I value input from parents. If there is something that they are working on at home, I want to be able to reinforce those teachings at my house. There is no reason beyond spite that I can see for someone to withhold teachings from a child.

From another perspective, I had my own children.being watched by my MIL, before I could stay home. I was lucky to have her. She was so good with my kids and did it for free for as long as she could. I have the kind of relationship with her that allows me to be able to.discuss concerns with her and ask questions and make requests. A lot of the things that concerned me, once I brought them up and we discussed them, I found that her reason for doing it that way was a valid reason.

If your MIL seems spiteful, bring up your concerns in a noncinfrontational way. If she is providing care for your child, she may be doing the things that you want done when you are not around. Remember though, that you are ultimately your Childs primary teacher and MIL is secondary!

Sylvia - posted on 05/23/2012

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Well, I think your MIL is being a total jerk (more on that in a second), but TBH I kind of think you're contributing to the problem, too. I wouldn't tell a paid babysitter "work on teaching my kid such-and-such a word", never mind a relative who's providing child care for free! So one thing you might try is just backing off on the micro-managing. She may be pushing back because she feels you don't trust her to know how to take care of a baby.

Relatives who snatch your baby away at family gatherings make me mad, too. My oldest SIL used to do that with DD -- once when she was holding DD, and DD started to cry and wanted to come back to DH or me, SIL actually *left the house with her and walked her around the block*, and when they came back (DD was of course still screaming) and I practically snatched DD away from her, she was like, "Well, babies *need* to cry to fall asleep!" I went O_O, said "Your babies might have, but mine doesn't!" and ran away upstairs to try and calm DD down. Then of course when she wasn't trying to monopolize the baby she'd tell me I was holding her too much ::rolls eyes:: Another thing she does that drives me batty is she'll ask DD "Do you want ... [something she knows DD's not supposed to have]?" and then *after* DD says yes, she'll tell her, "Go ask mommy!" So I have to be the bad guy. Thanks a lot :/

Now this same SIL has a great-granddaughter (don't ask...) and is doing the same thing, except that baby's mom and grandma (SIL's daughter) let her get away with it. SIL threw her a 2nd birthday party, and in the maybe 3 hours we were over there she yelled at the poor child half a dozen times, threatened to spank her three times ... at one point the baby's mom actually spoke up enough to say "You know, grandma, time out works a lot better!" and I wanted to cheer.

Anyway, the point is, free childcare from relatives always comes with strings attached. You need to decide whether it's worth it, and establish some boundaries. But you'll probably have to compromise some, too.

[deleted account]

I had trouble with my mother in law in the past, trying to tell me not to do this or that. I ended up telling her that i will do what i see fit with my child. MY CHIld ISN"T HER CHILD. she never had any right what so ever. IF this woman came and took my child out of my arms, well i would have went off. She maybe watching your child while you are working, but she is not having any respect for you. Maybe you need to find someone else to watch your child, since she isn't having respect. When you tell your child something and this woman is telling your child something else. It is teaching your child to not to obey you and that's not right.I would tell this woman that if she cannot respect you on how you want your child raised, then she don't need to be around the child. I'm sorry i would have already told her off and where to go if she can't have respect. You better stop it now before it goes even futher or you are going to have worse problems than what you already do. That is my advice, but you have to do what you think is best.

S. - posted on 05/22/2012

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She sounds A LOT like my mil and if she is anything like my mil there's nothing you can do as she will never change I have always had 100% backing from my hb but she hasn't changed in 4 years I don't imagine she will change now my mil has calmed down a slightly as I think she realises I wont back down as far as my kids go. Your daughter will learn mommy and look up to you without the grandma trying to teach her everything but that, as for her taking her from you I'd rather take her straight back or be on your toes and walk away before he has chance too. The next Time she undermines you just say no it not ok because mummy says so! and leave it at that she'll soon stop that one.
My mil's latest is to let my 4 and 19 month old sit on the coffee table, walk on the fire half and climb on the back of the couch, So when my youngest fall of the back of the couch I said to my mil that it was her fault, her reply was "there rained in with you and everyone else, I just like to let them have a bit of freedom" I just said that I thought she was cruel that she confusses them and gets them in trouble doing stupid things, I said" really your being a cruel grandma!" I don't know if that one went in we haven't been down for a while but I'm sick of her. The stories I could tell you are mental and I could write a book, at one point I felt so depressed and it was all down to her, She also acts all surprised if we challege her but sometimes we have too we now treat her like a petulant teenager and we pick our battles because it falls on deaf ears anyway, it's like she's missing part of her brain. She loves my kids to bits and they do her and is a lovely person.
You just need to keep your cool, remember that what ever g'ma trys to do she will never come between a mothers love for her child, do things your way and stick to your guns. Good luck

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