My mother keeps inviting the neighborhood kids whilst my 8 yr old is there to visit, it's getting to be excessive now..

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Marie - posted on 10/15/2013

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Good Morning Michelle,

Thanks for your post. I think I've got it under control now.. thanks for your advice:)

Michelle - posted on 10/15/2013

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You can dictate what happens in someone else's home. If you allow your daughter to stay overnight with your Mother then you have to allow and trust your Mother to look after your daughter.
Don't forget that when your Mother had young children it was safe to roam the streets looking for your friends. Do you remember riding to your friends house and staying out playing all day? Was the rule to be home when the street lights turned on? It was for me!!!!
You are risking the relationship between your daughter and her grandmother because she allows your daughter to play with others. I understand they all lied to you but in a way it way your own doing as they knew you didn't want the other children over.
Your Mother also probably thinks that your daughter would enjoy her time more if she made some friends rather than spending all her time with and "old" lady.
I think you need to step back and stop thinking about what happens with you and see what it's like for both your daughter and Mother.

Marie - posted on 10/14/2013

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Hi there, thanks for your advice. I think you are right about keeping the lines of communication open. It would be wrong to cut my mom out of our life; although today, my inner dialogue was having a hay day with the dark side lol..

My moms 73 years old now, and I really feel she doesn't have it in her anymore for
over night stays with the grandchildren. It almost feels like she is doing this to upset
me, so I will finally say, ok mom, no more visits. I don't know.. it's not really what I want to think or feel. She looks a lot younger than she feels I think.

Will have to let things die down for awhile and I'll let her know, no more weekend visits.

Rebekah - posted on 10/14/2013

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I like your idea of having them go to the movies together, or a spa day, or include yourself in the visit with them. I wouldn't cut off their visitation altogether. You don't want to be a micromanager--they should have freedom to decide how to spend their day, but this is a safety issue, as well as a respect issue. I would be upset too if my mom had my kid off at someone else's home whom I didn't even know when they were supposed to be spending quality time together. There are all kinds of dangers out there, and an 8 year old shouldn't be allowed to go off like that without supervision. The lying is another concern, for sure. Does your mom not want to say no to your daughter, if she's asking to have a friend over? Are the visits long enough that your mom doesn't feel like she knows how to entertain her for a full day?

I couldn't guess what's going on with your mom, but keep communication open. Hopefully you can reach some kind of understanding, and you can respect where each other is coming from. In the meantime, you also have to protect your daughter, so do what you must to keep her safe.

Marie - posted on 10/14/2013

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Hi Michelle,
First of all thanks for responding to my post.

Socialization for kids is always important, but my daughter doesn't get to see her
grandmother often, maybe 4 times a year. My mother also let my 8 year old stroll over to the neighbors house unattended (down the block and around the corner at which point she can no longer see her). I'm not comfortable with this, and it has happened before. She keeps saying next time she will go with my daughter.

The neighbors daughter was there almost all day and evening yesterday, which was ok I guess.. if her parents are ok with it. Today when my mom called me, I could hear
that there were some kids there again visiting. When I spoke to my little girl, she said
Tiana had come over to visit her again today. I left it at that with her, then talked to my mom again. I told my mom that I felt maybe that these visits with the neighborhood kids were a bit too long and kindly reminded her that my daughter doesn't get to see
her often. She started to get on the defensive and used the ideal that my daughter needs socialization; I reminded her that my daughter has a very healthy social life and would rather spend some quality time with her. I agreed to disagree at this point.

After we got off the phone, I remembered that my mom's neighbor gave my daughter her daughters phone number last summer, I was able to find it and called the parent.
I introduced myself and said that their daughter was playing at my mom's house right now with my daughter, I suggested it would be nice to go on a play date some time before Christmas maybe. The father informed me that my little girl had arrived at their
door early this morning on her bike and asked their daughter to come play at her grandma's house and they did.

Now.. my daughter knows she is not to go unattended to the neighbors without my mom or her grandpa. My mom admitted she lied to me and that my daughter had lied to me as well.. this is where I draw the line, family or no family. My mom accused me (in front of my daughter) that I had forced her to lie, I simply told her that was her choice and not mine. I also reminded my daughter this was not ok, and that we do not lie to each other. There are other issues. My real problem is should I let my daughter continue to see her grandma. I thought maybe I could make an appointment to a spa to get their nails done and a facial or something together, or I could buy them a movie pass together, whilst I drop them off and pick them up together. I guess this is what it will have to come down to, as I sadly don't trust my mom to keep her word on some things here. This is breaking my heart, I feel so dismayed right now.

Michelle - posted on 10/14/2013

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Have you spoken to her about it?
Maybe she feels it's good for your child to socialize with other children.

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