my parenting im question by the state.

Jennifer - posted on 09/05/2011 ( 31 moms have responded )

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Last year before my daughter turned 14 she got into some trouble which placed her on probation. Right after that happened she started becoming violent with me which put me into a situation of calling the police on her and asking her PO to help me place her somewhere that she can get help with her anger poblems and behavioral problems. She told me no because she was such a low class offender that it would do more harm then good so for the past yr up till about 4 months ago I have been dealing with it on my own and we have had some progress. Welm a few weeks ago somthing happend and she had a breakdown and thought ending her life would be best. We had her admitted for a week and she was sent home has seen her normal phsycoligist and has been cleared of the misdiagnosies that she was given. Well now her PO wants to step in and place her out of the home. Which will cause the state to step in and she will become a ward of the state till she completes reaidential treatment for behaivorial issues. Yes this is what I wnted a yr ago but over the past few months I have managed without the states help and things have been fine. I dont know what to do bout all of this my mind is for the treatment but my heart wants her home with me. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions..

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Tara - posted on 09/06/2011

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Okay well first off you said it was only a couple of weeks ago that she tried to end her life, and then in the last few lines you say that you have been dealing with this alone and for the past few months things have been fine. Those two statements are not consistent with each other.

I don't think the state is questioning your parenting per say. I think they are recognizing that your child may have more issues than you are capable of dealing with in the optimal way. Yes you may have made progress but you are not enough, she has recently tried to harm herself.
She needs a change from her current life, her current situation for things to really improve for her.

As long as this is done with the best interest of your child in mind and the place she is going is for treatment and therapy and not detention and punishment than I would say let them try to help her.

Often our love clouds our judgement. We want to think we can heal all their hurts, we want to believe that we know what is best for them. But sometimes our desire and need for things to be better only clouds and masks the reality that things are not better and are not getting better.
Good Luck

Jane - posted on 09/05/2011

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What you really need to ask yourself is which would be better for her, not what would be better for you. Bear in mind that things recently have NOT been fine because your daughter attempted suicide. Suicide is a very final thing.

My son tried to kill himself three times and ended up in residential treatment for five months. Treatment made a huge difference in him. I recommend it.

Jane - posted on 09/06/2011

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And actually, your parenting is not in question by the state. Instead, the state is offering to lift a huge financial burden from you. If your daughter needs residential treatment it may or may not be covered by insurance if you have any. Even then, you have to fight the insurance to get them to pay. With insurance it runs about $1000 a month. Without insurance it runs about $6000 a month. If done by the state it costs you little or nothing.

Also, if the state gives permission you can visit her during treatment and you may, in fact, be required to visit for therapeutic reasons. However, in either state care or private care, the doctors can decide you cannot visit if they feel it would set her back in some way.

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Candice - posted on 09/12/2011

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i personally don't see how the state could see fit to take her away because you have taken her to get help and done everything you medically can for her. if you were neglecting these matters, then yes. i was a pretty bad teenager and i did it all, drugs, alcohol, trouble with the law, probation, and getting pregnant at 16. as badly as i treated my mother, i never raised a hand to her or cursed her out. there definitely seems to be some anger issues at hand and if it seems erratic to you in any way, maybe there could truly be something wrong such as possible manic depression or more likely bipolar. if it's bipolar, she wouldn't understand it when angrily lashing out or even think to question it. it just happens and it's as simple as that. i took my second daughter to a psychologist, he didn't seem to help at all. in my personal opinion, a psychiatrist would be better. i've gone to counseling many times for myself and have taken my second child when her daddy deployed and she couldn't handle it. i hope your daughter gets better.

Jane - posted on 09/11/2011

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In contrast, every time they put my son someplace he came out doing better.

However, he WAS a danger to himself (suicidal) AND to others (he broke my foot, attacked his dad, threatened me with a knife many times, hit his sister, stole her things, took a baseball bat to my minivan, and so on).

You have to do what is best for your child, NOT what makes you feel in control, or warm and fuzzy.

Kristin - posted on 09/11/2011

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i know what u mean my daughter has had problems and she sees someone through mental health they think i should put her in the hospital to have her evaluated i cant get myself to do it she is my daughter and i don't want strangers to have all say of what my child does my adopted niece had been in many places for her behavior and every time they put her somewhere it made her behavior worse not gonna let them take a chance at messing up my daughter don't know if I'm right or wrong just how i feel

Crystal - posted on 09/07/2011

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A few years ago I had similar truble with my daughter. Her PO had her attend an anger managment class. She had to do this until they ( the class) felt that she had learned new ways to vent with out being violent which includes learning how to talk. I attended only few meetings with counselor as they wanted to know from me what I thought the problem was and we discussed ways of handling issue angers. As a result my daughter got better about telling me when she felt she was getting to angry and her way of cooling down was to run or climb a tree. I do not think it is necessary to remove them but I would ask the PO about about a local anger management for teens. The teens can talk in a group and vent and learn better ways to handle it when they do become angry. You might also call a local church and see if they know of any anger managment classes and present this choice to the PO and tell him or her that you would like to try this avenue first. The problems with teens is that their bodies mature much faster than their brains at this point and the result is that they feel and may even look m on a childs or teenage level. Putting them in a home where there are other teens that are more violent or promiscuous can a lot of times only make things worse. Talk to the PO about classes and offer to involve yourself in those programs and see if they will work with you this way.

Mommy - posted on 09/07/2011

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I apologize, Judy, you are correct, this is the Motherhood group, not Debating Moms. But in any case I find it interesting that other than insult me, that is the only thing you will address.

Jody - posted on 09/07/2011

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where is it called debating Mom's? You could use a bit of humbling but its not my place to play that game with you. God Bless.

Vikki - posted on 09/07/2011

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Unfortunately, raising chidren in today's world in a difficult task. Any time you allow someone else to take the responsibility of caring for your children completely out of your hands you run the risk of them making decisions concerning your child that go against what YOU as her mother may feel to be right or proper. If you relinquish control, you may seal her fate. Most state run facilities are under-staffed and underfunded. Your daughter will be associating with children who have much greater problems than she has; she may learn and be exposed to more than you will ever imagine or approve of. Continue to get your daughter help; spend time with her without being judgmental about her past. Don't allow what is happening today to cause you to bankrupt her future by abdicating your authority as her parent. I pray the best for you.

Mommy - posted on 09/07/2011

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I asked you a question, so that you could explain further..how is that close minded? I also think that if you are telling someome to refuse treatment for their child, it would be helpful if your opinions had some supportive facts behind them. Up until this point you have offered nothing of that nature, and have yet to identify what experience/knowledge you have. I am very researched, in fact, as I have been working as a psychologist for 5 years, and a professor for 2. I do not prescribe medications, and believe that for many it is not needed. I do, however, recognize that there are many conditions which require an intervention which consists of medications AS WELL AS environmental and social changes for optimal improvement. And if you do not want to "converse" with people who have opposing views, then I suggest you don't post on a blog, let alone one entitled "Debating Moms".

Jody - posted on 09/07/2011

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You are understanding little, augmentative and closed minded. Not willing to converse with you. There is more information out there these days then in the past, but you have to do research. Much can be eliminated without mind altering medications. The medical world is a money making industry that does not have our best interest at hand.

Mommy - posted on 09/07/2011

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So if I am understanding you correctly, you believe ALL medications are unecessary, including things like insulin? What type of medical background do you have? And I am also not understanding the "sheep in wolves clothing" reference. It's as if you believe the people offering services to this child are doing so to serve some malicious purpose.

Jody - posted on 09/07/2011

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as a matter of fact I would. We are all railroaded by health industry and blinded by what is being pushed on us. Look deeper, don't settle. There are many sheep in wolves clothing and yes I have the medical background to back up what I am saying.

Mommy - posted on 09/07/2011

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And Jody, I think it is very irresponsible to offer that type of advice. Are you a mental health professional of any kind? And if so, in what state? Some mental health diagnoses are the result of chemical imbalances in our brains, or have organic causes, which makes medication necessary. Would you tell a diabetic not to take insulin? Or a cancer patient not to get Chemo???

Mommy - posted on 09/07/2011

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Just because she is being palced in a residential setting does not make her a ward of the state, it simply means she is being removed from your home for treatment. The residential facility will have to consult you for all major decisions being made regarding your daughter, including medications, medical concerns, and treatment plans. If she is 14 and engaging in these dangerous behaviors, she needs assistance, and you need to access the resources the state is offering you. You say you have been dealing with it for a while without the state, but if she is expressing suicidal intent, than it's not really being dealt with. Not that you are a bad parent, but her needs require professional help in the area of mental health.

Lynn - posted on 09/07/2011

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Think twice before giving your child up to the state. Once your child becomes a ward of the state, in the United States the state will take control over all lawful authority. The state will then make all medical and legal decisions for your daughter. I am not saying that your daughter doesn't need help. You and your daughter both need to go to counseling. Counseling will help your daughter cope with issues she is having and will teach you how to help your daughter and get through these tough times. Talk to your daughter, do not preach to her.She needs to know she can come to you anytime to talk to you about anything! Maintain a healthy relationship with her and stay active in her life. She needs to know that you are there for her. She may be suffering from depression which may teens do suffer with, however, you need to take her to a professional to be sure her depression is not clinical. Your daughter can get help without becoming a ward of the state. My daughter is 15 and as teens they are finding themselves and are dealing with a lot of stressful issues including peer pressure and boys. I watch my daughter very very carefully, closely and keep her busy. It is a lot of work but it is worth it. I know you are worried about your daughter and her feelings of suicide. But you can get her help while she is still in your home. You said that things are getting better. Just keep doing what you are doing and BE ALERT to signs of suicide. You and your daughter need to see a counselor separately and together. It is sometimes helpful to talk to someone who is neutral. Your daughter needs to know you are there for her. I personally would never give up my parental rights. I feel it is important for a parent to have a voice when it comes to making decisions for their children. Hang in there with your daughter Jennifer. Home is where the heart is.

Amanda - posted on 09/07/2011

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I agree with Tara you cant say in the same breath my teenager tried to kill themselves, but everything is fine. Do what is best for your child not for you. Sucide is not something you can handle, nor can your child without serious help, this is why the state is offering you help. There is zero shame in getting the mental and medical help your child needs BADLY. Put your selfish wants behide you, and allow your child the right to live a normal life.

Jody - posted on 09/07/2011

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Do not allow the state to step in at any cost. Do not give your child any mind altering medications. Go and take your daughter to a behavioral optometrist. It will change her life and her direction. Trust Me I deal with these issues everyday in line of work.

Delina - posted on 09/06/2011

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i think if you have been doing this on your owned i give you credit as no parent should have to deal with this type of problem on there own. I have a step son who has given us problems on a large scale and did time in a youth justice resdience and now he is out he is more out of control but i think you should understand she will come home after the treatment and you weather you want to amitt it need to have a break from the stress. I would say let her but make sure you know all the ins and outs before you do eg what acts and what sections they will put her under. And remember treatment will help her but only if she wants it to. May be ask her if this is what she wants

Elizabeth Ann - posted on 09/06/2011

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when i was 17 i was locked up in a psych ward for 3 years. back in 1987 things were not very nice and/or respectful for pts rights. but it straightened my rearend out. i think nowadays even in a locked facility the pts could goof off and be overly pampered by the staff but it sounds like removal from the house is needed at this time. good luck, as a parent myself now its a decision i wouldnt want to make. i have huge respect for my mom for giving up parental control for a while. its the selfless thing to do.

Brittany - posted on 09/06/2011

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Has anyone ever looked into bipolar disorder in her? I know it sounds scary but if you look into it I think you might see a lot of similarities to her feelings or actions. It is being a manic/depressive. Some people can have it more on one end than the other. Some symptoms are, going from high highs to low lows randomly. High highs could be feeling over joyed, hyper, talking fast, jumping from one topic to the next, risky behaviors (like, driving extra fast, a spending spree, sexual behaviors), insomnia (not getting enough sleep but still not feeling tired). Examples of low lows or depression could be, feeling extra tired, decreased interest in activities, obviously thoughts or acts of suicide, just feeling really sad. In either state one might be frustrated easily or annoyed and fly off the handle in anger (whether physically or verbally or both). I would suggest if it hasn't been brought up, you could ask her psychologist and if you don't feel comfortable with the answer don't be afraid to switch doctors and get a second third fourth opinion. Sometimes you just have to find the doctor that fits with her. Good luck....oh and I definitely would NOT let her become a warden of the state because then you are giving up your rights as her parent. A program or some counseling is definatley a good thing but never give up your rights EVER!

Allison - posted on 09/06/2011

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You need to hire a good lawyer and see if there are any advocacy programs in your community that could advocate for your wishes and tour daughters best interests. In any case, ask for a meeting with the PO's supervisor to review the case. Residential placements are costly to the State and if community resources can be utilized then they should do this first. Hope this helps!

Cindy - posted on 09/06/2011

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do what is best for her and then get some help for yourself to adjust to the changes. Her safety and health come first - yes, a good mother wants her child/ren home with her but she needs more help than you can give her at home. She will eventually come home and then you can both be thankful that she CAN come home. Good luck - remember to take care of yourself as well. You can't help her if you don't help yourself as well.

Mary Jane - posted on 09/06/2011

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Hi I had problem with my teenage daughters it maybe see needs some councilling from your J P referals see maybe getting bulled at school have you had a word with teacher to find out, it all goes down to there age rebellion play a big part off this behavour if you can sit down without getting angry find out what bugging her its a sign of feeling hurt pent up emotions if you can do anything to sort out . hope you get on well from mary jane barber cornwall

Rana - posted on 09/06/2011

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I guess that all depends on what state your in tho. I have a family member whose youngest is 29 and she is still making payments on her kids' treatment..

Rana - posted on 09/06/2011

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It's so hard to be a parent to teenagers and even more so when they have behavior problems. We never did have the state step in to help except when he was acting out and made of some story about how I assaulted him they wanted to put him in foster care. We chose to keep him home because, even though his brothers and I were afraid of him, we thought it would it was best for him to be here. It was a very rough road but we made it thru! He is now a soldier serving in Iraq and a very respectable young man. He is studying to be an Army chaplain and someday a pastor. My point is that you have to do what you think is best for your daugher. No one can make that choice for you. As her mom you know her better than anyone. If you feel she is making good progress at home with you then my all means keep her home if not maybe she would benefit from residential treatment. Don't let the state force you into doing anything. Only you can make that choice. Do what you think is the best thing to get your daughter the help that she needs and everything will turn out just as it should. It is a long road but hang in there it will get better :)

Jodi - posted on 09/06/2011

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As a ward of the state, will you still be able to visit with her? It sounds to me like the treatment is probably in her best interests, and residential treatment is probably the best option. But really, I don't know your daughter or the treatment they are proposing, so I can't say. I can only imagine what a difficult decision this is, and I hope you can find a way to make the best choice for your daughter.

Jane - posted on 09/05/2011

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It is scary, very scary, but you have to do what you can to help your daughter become stable and happy. My heart goes out to you.

Jennifer - posted on 09/05/2011

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Thank u jane I know that the decision is a hard one to face in the end I only want what's best for her. Thank you

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