my parents

Dru - posted on 11/21/2014 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Ive taken on my boyfriends children and treat them the same as my own daughter because there own mum does not bother! I am worried because my mum is spoiling my daughter at Christmas and not the other two I really don't think this is fair what do I do I have tryed talking to her

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Wanda - posted on 11/23/2014

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Ages matter in the way that younger children welcome attention easier than lets say a 14 or 16 year old..

The length of your relationship matters. Has he been in your life long enough that your mom feels comfortable with him. How he treats you and his children says ALOT to a grandma. Is he just another bf that will come and go? It may be hard for a grandma to get attached then never see the kids again.

Do his kids show you respect? Is there a reason the grandma pulls away? Bad language or mis behaving children?

Do you and your mom have a good relationship or is just a baby sitter?

These questions matter. You can not just tell someone " here! Love these children like they are your own." With that being said...there was a comment made below that you could suggest to her that she divide the amount spent between the children,so that no feelings get hurt. I think your daughter would definitely understand that.

In a perfect world we could just open our hearts and homes to just anyone...and yes some people may do so very happily..but that is not everyone. And I think an ultimatum is not fair. Not unless you hear the grandma out completely without judgement. If she is just a mean lady trying to cause harm in your family then obviously you need to set things straight.

Sarah - posted on 11/22/2014

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I do understand your position but try to see it from your mom's side. If your daughter is her only biological granddaughter I am not surprised that she feels strongly about her. She may not even view your bf kids as a permanent addition to the family. You can't force her to love them but you can set boundaries as to how everyone gets treated. She raised you to be compassionate so I am sure she is capable of the same.
How old are all of these kids?

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Wanda - posted on 11/23/2014

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It is not that I think it is ok to ignore them, I am just looking for answers to figure out why the grandma feels dis connected so that perhaps she can talk to the grandma and fill in any questions or concerns to help them establish a relationship.

Dove - posted on 11/23/2014

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None of those questions matter.... these are CHILDREN and the OP has accepted them into her life. Therefore... her parents should accept them as well. It's not that hard. We accepted my brother's girlfriend's 2.5 year old son as family the first time we met him. That's what family DOES.

Wanda - posted on 11/23/2014

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I do not believe you have given us enough info to even have an opinion.
What are the ages of the children?
How long have you been with this guy?
How does this guy treat you if front of your family?
How do the children react to you as a step mom?
How is your relationship with your mother?

Until you fill in the blanks all the answers are irrelevant.

Dove - posted on 11/21/2014

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If she can't treat all the children equally... then you just won't be spending Christmas w/ her.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/21/2014

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Explain to your mother that you have blended this family, that you would appreciate her respecting that, and treating the kids the same.

Explain that this doesn't mean that she spend extravagant amounts on each child, but to recognize each equally. If this means that she tones down the gifts for her biological grandchild in order to equalize the giving to the others, then so be it.

Also explain that the children will notice the difference in treatment, and that you don't wish them to feel that they are 'not good', or 'not acceptable'. They need love. Explain that, until she can equalize her treatment of them, contact will be limited.

RAM - posted on 11/21/2014

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I think your mom isn't trying to be against you, she will for sure love all your children but to her, these are not your children. They are your boyfriends, not your husband's. So she may just see them as baggage that may not even last so why waste time, money or affection on them?

Before an ultimatum, try helping her see it differently. Tell her that you are really happy that she loves your children this much but don't look at the other kids as anything but guests and innocent children. Have compassion and affection like you would have for any child.

Help her see them as children instead of your boyfriends children.

Does that make sense?

Dru - posted on 11/21/2014

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Thanks looks like an ultimatum might have to be the way forward I know they are not really mine but may as well be so It hurts that mum thinks this way and how would she treat annother child if I were to have one

RAM - posted on 11/21/2014

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What about if you buy them gifts and things and tell them it's from your mom?

If she is not giving them enough attention in her house then maybe you can give her an ultimatum but that's only if this is extremely important to you. Sometimes we have to demand things for our children. Tell her that if she wants you to spend the holidays with her, she needs to treat all the kids as equals.

I know that's extreme but it might actually work!

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