My partner wont allow me to sleep because...

Maria - posted on 07/26/2013 ( 41 moms have responded )

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Hi could some one please tell me if its ok for my partnet to shout at me to wake up in the day if my eyes shut or if i doze off. Shouting at me to wake up why are u tiref u shouldnt be tired i should be i work all week.
He does this even when ive listened to just him tslking all day and even after ive done
all of the housework. He shouts at me even when i sit down after giving my child a b
ath when shes finished it and shes dressed. I cant even sit down. He says that im not allowef to sit still while he isnt. He was ironing his shirts. Snaps at me and says i should be doing them as its womans work. At night he wont allow me to sleep unless i sleep with him. He follows me round shouting at me and shoving my arms. He whips me with bedsheets when i try and sleep many times. He does not force himself on me he just wont let me sleep. He gropes me in the night and i cant sleep and wont stop groping me. He yells at me if i dont hug him all night. So i cant sleep comfortably. He groped me in public when i dont want him too. When im at home he doed he wont let me watch a film without trying to feel me. It makes me feel dirty even thougj im meant to be marrying him. Im so tired and he wont listen to me. Is it normal not to be allowed to sleep

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Michelle - posted on 08/03/2013

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Angela has said everything so well. You need to see that he isn't going to change, no matter how many times he says he will.
You have your daughter to think about so please leave for her!!!

Angela - posted on 08/03/2013

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You owe this man NOTHING. Please leave him.

As I said in my previous post, sleep deprivation is one of the fundamental signs of domestic abuse.

His promises to change etc .... are made in desperation as he wishes to keep you by his side. He would just slip back into his old ways when you decide to stay with him. This is not good for your physical or mental health. He is no role model for your child to grow up with. YOU are no role model to your child when you accept this behaviour from him.

An abusive partner can only be "cured" by:

a) Admitting he has a problem and it's no-one else's fault
b) Having appropriate therapy/counselling for the problem
c) Adhering to the recommended system for changing his behaviour

And that is why most abusers don't change. It doesn't sit well with them to take on the guilt and culpability and discuss it openly with a therapist - it's always "someone else's fault" in their book. There are a few abusers who HAVE been helped and cured though - only because they faced up to their own wrongdoing and examined the causes & perceived "justifications" and then worked hard to change their outlook. It CANNOT be done alone. He would NEED a counsellor/therapist to sort out this issue.

So his promises to change aren't worth anything. I'm betting he wouldn't be willing to have the specialist therapy/counselling to help. And even if he DID have this help, it's not an issue that's sorted out overnight - it takes a long time.

So cut your losses and get the hell out of his life.

Good luck.

Baby - posted on 08/02/2013

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what a disgusting animal he is. get the hell out of there. i grew up with a bully of a mother and had a baby with a bully man and its VERY disempowering, demeaning and to the point where you can't think for yourself anymore because the abuse is mental and psychological. it messes with your brian, your thinking. once you leave him for good, the most important thing i have started doing is getting a stronger sense of myself, who i am. i was weak, and people like your guy and my ex prey on weak people, it feeds their ego and deep rooted insecurities. Your guy is a pig, get the hell out.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/01/2013

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He will not change no matter what he is telling you. I am sure he WANTS to change but won't. You should have butterflies in your tummy each time you see him and be overwhelmed with love. Not what you are feeling now, which is pitty. Run, and keep running. I have been with a man like him, and all he will ever do is suck the life out of you.

Is your daughter his kid also? I don't care what he bought her and how happy it made her. THIS does not make a relationship.

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Baby - posted on 08/04/2013

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Something just came to mind..... I had an abusive partner similar to yours and he found things to bully me about because he was hiding a lot of things. Come to find out he was living a double life, doing drugs and going to strip clubs and then coming home to pick on me just so I wouldn't question him. There's always a motive for people's behavior. And men know that women want to do and give their best so they take advantage of it completely use the woman and then throw her away. Sometimes its called Narcissistic personality disorder and its the most inhumane experience on our side.. :( Wishing you luck!!!

Maria - posted on 08/03/2013

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Im going to leave while hes at work i couldnt leave yesterday as he wasnt working. This morning he was cross that my daughter was awake at seven and shouted at me in front of her. Meaning that he believes i should just be giving her a drink and taking her to potty and then back to bed. But i know that this is what time she wakes up and im not putting her back to bed hungry. Ill put her to sleep at twelve or two in the afternoon for a nap when she gets tired. I dont think im being too tired. He shouldnt tell me what i should be doing with my child, disscussing it but he should not yell or command me. So thank you for all your help every one xx

Maria - posted on 08/03/2013

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I think thats the last straw him calling her the little s*** to me while shes asleep. X

Michelle - posted on 08/03/2013

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You can leave him anytime. You are being abused!!!!! It's NOT right.
You need to leave and stop making excuses to stay. He doesn't deserve you at all, he deserves to be alone.
You didn't go along with anything, you told him no and he just kept doing what he wanted. THAT IS ABUSE!
Please get some help and get out before he does rape you or even worse.

Maria - posted on 08/03/2013

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So having just yelled at me he took out a pretty night dress and it stung as he flung it at the front of my neck. I grabbed the nightdress and flung it across the bed and it landed on the floor. I said im not wearing that. So he dug around in the clothes basket on the floor and he gave me his t shirt to wear. Maybe ive got out of it but no... as i get into bed to go to sleep he says well arent you going to hug me, kiss me etc. I cry and let him hear so that maybe he will leave me alone like he promised to show that he respects me but his cuddle turns into groping and touching me under clothes and im too tired too scaredto tell him not to do that when ive said to him carefull dont go too far kust cudfling rerember. I said rerember what your friend said ( about it being wrong to presdure me) i felt ashamed and gulity im putting up with him touching me and hes just insulted my daughter ok not too her face too me. Anyway admittly i found myself getting aroused while all these other feelings are going on. So how is that now happening that im getting seduced at the same time as hating him. Then nothing happened. I said stop rerember what we said. Then i fell asleep. Hes still asleep and its ten am ive been up since seven. So now i cant break up with him yet as ive just gone along with it.

Maria - posted on 08/03/2013

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After twelve last night i said that i would go to sleep on the sofa as he told me to go to sleep in the bed as he doesnt want to have to put up with me being uninterested and tired and he doesnt want to have to look at me being all tired and boreing. But yelled and shoved my knees to keep waking me up as i drifted off on the sofa. Saying are you mental you keep wanting to sleep. I then said to him that i havent acted at all tired till late evening. Which was true. He snapped at me and said its like your mental and theres something missing in you. Are you depressed he snarled. No i said im just tired its late. Why wont you let me sleep. ( i had spent time with him listening to his life stories which he always tells me and about his day earlier) he then complained saying that i hadnt cuddled him or kissed him. ( i had cuddled him but not kissed him yesturday) he complained of most of my affection and time/ energy going to my daughter and not to him. He then said i should go to a clinic and have myself surgury joined to her as you are obessed with her. Then he wanted to know when we are getting married which he asks me every day even though ive told him i have doubts still. Then he told me how selfish lazy and mental i was. ( i was working for seven months after a years leave but he wanted me to quit my long term job and live with him. I quited it as they increased my hours and gave me different rotas and not the same. But i then rented somewhere myself. I kept buying food and he would nearly always eat at mine and i would end up doung a small food shop at his as he hadnt the time to do a food shop. He would often take us for days out. Anyway he followed me into bedroom and stood at the foot of the bed and said youve been playing with that little s***giving her all your love and time he yelled hissing through his teeth. I couldnt believe he called her that
I know hes jealous of her. But he loves her and buys her things and takes us all out even when hes tired from work even when she crys and asks to go out he will still do that even if shes being demanding and not happily asking to go out.

Michelle - posted on 08/02/2013

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You need to leave. Don't listen to him when he says he misses you and wants to make things right because obviously he doesn't. He just wants to keep you around to berate and insult.
Find yourself somewhere yo go ASAP and don't tell him where you are going. Turn your phone off and don't respond to him at all.

Maria - posted on 08/02/2013

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Its twelve at night hes been shouting at me since ten because im tired. We have agrred not to sleep with each other the other day. But hes flung my ankles off the sofa. I dont have a right to be tired i work all day he says and also im not allowed to sleep in my day clothes even though we wont be in the same bed. Hes watching bits of film on telly. So much for trusting him again!! Hes just angry simply because im tired and hes not.

Lacye - posted on 08/02/2013

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Honey the only reason why he is doing the nice things now is because he doesn't have you to push around anymore. Don't you dare take him back. It's not worth it! DON'T DO IT!

Ana - posted on 08/02/2013

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I am so sorry this is happening to you. To answer your question, your husband's behavior is not okay. Being a mother is a full time job, for life. There are no vacation days, no sick days, nor retirement. Being a parent is and will be the hardest job you will ever have! Having said that, you deserve just as much rest as your husband, if not more!

...ALL moms deserve to be loved, respected, and honored.

While I can imagine 1001 reasons why you are still in this marriage, know that you are not alone and should you decide to leave him for this unbearable treatment, realize that there are many others like yourself and many who are willing to help.

Stay strong!

DuSharme - posted on 08/02/2013

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hell no! is he trying to give u a nervous breakdown? go on a weekened get away now,dammit! now!

Baby - posted on 08/02/2013

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its very hard. you'll go through feelings of peace, then missing him, then anger, hate, then fantasy...all kinds of things. you need to learn STRONG boundaries. I'm learning them now. no one deserves your trust, your attention, your affection unless they've earned it and WORKED for it. if they mess up, then you take it away, or go away. like dogs, you have to train them. if they are bad, do NOT give them a bone! I'm just out of a similar situation like you!

Angela - posted on 08/01/2013

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You're not married to him yet - so run for the hills!

Sounds like he resents working to support you & your child and begrudges you any peaceful time to just rest and close your eyes. Depriving a partner of sleep is a form of control and domestic abuse - did you know that? Does HE know how exhausting it is being a mother?

And as for ironing his own clothes? Why shouldn't he? How is it "women's work"? He WEARS the clothes, so should he not iron his own clothing? In my house my husband and I each iron our own clothing. Very occasionally I might iron him a shirt or two. My husband does all the cooking, well he certainly does most of it.

Sex, groping, physical affection ..... consent is a huge part of sex. Consent is NOT silent acceptance or weary agreement. Consent is worthless unless it is ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT!

Ditch this man. And do not accept any further gifts for your child.

Maria - posted on 08/01/2013

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After many attemps at trying to end it and give him his ring back. A few days ago i had this strong sense of peace that i was meant to break up with him but this time tell him that im not in love with him and that i cant marry him as i feel empty inside and that i need to break up with him as im just going round in circles and its making him more angry and me upset. He kept texting me trying to call and i couldnt call him back as my phone wasnt working all of a sudden to ring or recieve calls. Which made him ring all the more. He sent a photo of himself crying. He said he looked up into the stars crying out in his heart to find out why and how to fix this. So he messenged his friend a preacher for advise. I was taken aback that he had done that as he would often insult what i was saying about talking to someone even another couple in order to get help and advice. He said that he was wrong in the way he had treated me and demanded it from me. I felt sorry for him and i rang him. He brought my two year old a toy high chair and she loved it. I became confused at myself for feeling something when he does kind things to my child. So i dont know if im inlove with him, im not excited by him. I feel tenderness when he loves my daughter. My daughter is a great part of my happiness and i dont think i could ever love any one more than i love her. If i was inlove with someone would i feel the same way about him. I dont understand why i feel a pang of love when she smiles or she holds my hand. I dont feel like that about him. Should i feel like that about a husband who is right for me? Is being inlove just a simple love and not strong, emotional or exciting.
At the moment im by myself with my daughter so we are ok x

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/01/2013

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I would think very hard about marrying this man. It does not sound like a healthy relationship, and it is just going to get worse once he feels like he "owns" you with marriage. I would run. If you are not sure about living with him, then be very careful about spending the rest of your life with him.

There is no set amount of time for engaged couples to spend together. It is all very individual.

I would NOT be marrying this man personally.

Maria - posted on 08/01/2013

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Thank you again all for your replies. I am renting somewhere but he had kept insisting on seeing me everyday and sleeping over at mine or at his. Even though i was renting on my own and not wanting to live with him yet. He would get angry and yell at me and ask when he was next seeing me so i would have to tell him and make the next day that we would see each other be the next day. As even if had stayed over for four or five days he would be angry if on day five i would want to be on my own. Even though i am enaged i wasnt sure of my rights or what is expected in a relationship. He would often then use the line we are supposed to be getting married if i asked for a day or two to myself. ( i chose to rent somewhere and not live with him because i wasnt sure about living with him). If a person is enaged how much time do they have to spend together?

Jodie - posted on 07/30/2013

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This is every form off Domestic Abuse! You and your child need to leave now before it gets worse! I've been in a domestic violence relationship before and it never gets better, they don't mean it when they say their sorry, its just a way to put all the guilt and blame on you! You need to get in touch with your health visitor/nursery nurse see what options there is for you in your area, do not let him know you are doing this he will get 100 times worse! Good luck and wish you well xx

April - posted on 07/29/2013

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You need to put a stop to this now! This is NOT normal and you do not need to allow this kind of behavior. Being a mother especially a stay at home mom is a full time job and YOU DESERVE time to yourself and you need the rest.

Maria - posted on 07/28/2013

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Please could you give me an example of a healthy relationship guys for example urs or in general ive described the questions in my recent post about touching in a marriage thanks whats ok and whats not.

Maria - posted on 07/28/2013

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I dont know if its normal for a serious boyfriend/ husband to put his hand down the back of my knickers while watching a film at home? Shouldnt this be saved for sex? Shouldnt he just be cuddling me or just sit next to me? Or grope me over and under clothes when i sit down next to him. He says im cold and unaffentionate if i dont let him. He says that i should be stroking his chest during a film and kissing him or not watching a film as it shows im not interested in him. So this other question is if i ever meet anyone else if he kept only doing those things instead of the other things i told u about then is that normal in a relationship? How much touching and where and when is ok? Or is it disrespectful to a woman to do that? Also is it ok for a husband to wake u up touching you as u get into bed to sleep, twice in the night waking you up and then touching you in the morning by grabbing at you under nightdress? Can he insist that i wear nothing or a silk night dress instead of pjs? Can he touch me even when i ask him not too? Thank you for all your replies. I just wantbto know whatva good realtionship is thanks

Leslie - posted on 07/28/2013

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I get to sleep 14 hours every night. I have five jobs and a 2 year daughter. She sleeps 14 hours too
My honey helps out everyday.

Michelle - posted on 07/28/2013

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I was married to a verbally abusive man for 7.5 years and had 2 children with him.
I left him 9 years ago and am still trying to build up my self esteem to fight him for my children. He made sure I had no money and felt completely worthless but I finally found the courage to leave and it was the best thing in my life. It's funny because he still can't find a woman to stay with him. They all keep leaving but not taking as long as I did.

I have since married the most amazing man that treats me like a princess. We don't fight or argue and he loves to make me happy. I have had a lot of women's problems lately and my husband hasn't said 1 word about not getting any sex. He understands that it's the last thing on my mind and respects it.

You have so much more to live for in this lifetime than to be abused by a nasty, horrible person. He doesn't deserve to be loved and he should die alone and miserable.

Maria - posted on 07/28/2013

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He is 13 years older than me and i find myself feeling sad because im missing out on beung with some one my own age. It doesnt matter so much when you are in your early 20s but when you get just a few years older than that you notice such a big age difference. I could have almost have put aside my desire for a young man aside if i was not feeling so hurt and empty. How did u manage to stay and leave him as well?

Margaret Chiara - posted on 07/28/2013

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RUN RUN RUN! run as far away as you can, as fast as you can......and you´ll be grateful you did for the rest of your life. I once spent 10yrs (!!!!!!!) of my life with an abusive man. Now that I am happily married (late at 40yrs of age) to a saint of a man, I wonder why on earth I threw the best years of my youth away, on an idiot.

Dolc - posted on 07/28/2013

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no, none of what you have described is normal at all. a loving husband would care about you getting enough sleep, maybe offer to help you around house. what you are going through is a form of abuse, with possibility of getting much worse. please get help before it getting any further

Michelle - posted on 07/28/2013

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Everything you have described is ABUSE!!!!! You have to get out before it gets worse.
Don't fall for his sob stories about changing, he's already proven to you that he won't. You need to protect your child and yourself before worrying about what he's going to say! Words are words but if he gets more violent (like he is) then you will have more to worry about. Do you want your child growing up without you? If your husband kills you then that's the reality.
Get yourself to a women's shelter or go to a family member's house now. He doesn't love you, you don't treat anything you love like that.

Maria - posted on 07/27/2013

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I find it really hard to break up with him as when ive told him all the reasons why he either keeps promising to change and says sorry it will be the last time and crys. Or recently he shouts at me hovering his fist in the air saying if u ever leave me ill tell all your friends, family and anyone we know .. ill embarss you ill darkenen your name.
Hes been hitting me recently on my arms not hard even when before ever saying ill leave. He does other things that dont hurt like grabbing the side of my face, or pressing on my head with his hand as he says its the only way to get through to me as im queit and dont say much. So i dont know if thats what other husbands are allowed to do to their wifes if it dosent hurt. What does hurt what he did the other day was poke his finger
Into the my face under my cheek bone. He was so nice helpful and kind when i first met him and nothing bothered him even a year ago when my baby kept vomiting over his carpet he never got cross.
I feel this over whelming love for my two year old and i dont feel like that about him. If i was inlove with him would i feel like that for him. Or another man if i was inlove. But all my emotional love is for my child. I wonder if i even love him as maybe i just love the way he reads her stories and we go our for the day. But if i hadnt of had her i wouldnt want him i dont think. Hes not her father i just wanted one for her. Im not yet married to him but everyday he keeps asking me and i wear his ring gulitly.

Jodi - posted on 07/27/2013

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Maria, if he is demanding sex from you every night, and you are this exhausted, and he is taking it anyway, this is rape and abuse, and no, it is not normal. Sex is not a right. It is an act that should be agreed upon by both parties, and right now, it sounds to me like if he is having sex with you without your consent, your relationship has entered the territory of physical abuse and you need to get out. Believe me, I was married once to a man who decided sex was his RIGHT. It is not a right. And to demand it as a right is abusive.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/27/2013

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This is NOT a normal healthy relationship. He is emotionally abusing you, and it sounds like it will turn physical soon. He is constantly groping you to the point where you cannot sleep? You have said he hasn't forced himself on you yet, but it sounds like he has intentions. This is not a healthy relationship to raise a child in. This is not a healthy relationship for ANY women. He sounds very scary. Very controlling. Do you have somewhere you can go to? I would get out before it gets worse.

Maria - posted on 07/27/2013

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Thank you for ur replys. I was also wondering if sometimes other peoples husbands let them sleep some nights and get a proper nights sleep or if things are expected every night. Sorry if it sounds crude i just feel like i havent got anyone to ask about whats normal and healthy in a realtionship. Thanks

Michelle - posted on 07/26/2013

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Your husband is abusing you. He has no respect for you and I feel you need to get out before it gets worse. That's not what a husband should be doing at all!!!

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