My partners ex wants to come and stay on holiday and I dont want her to, am I right

Delia - posted on 10/21/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi I am new to this site. I currently live in Cyprus with my partner of 9 years and our daughter who is 6. He has a son from a woman he had a fling with 13 years ago. His son is 13 years old. When I met him he had a terrible time with her even to the extent of her blackmailing him for more money, saying he could not see his son. At the time we were living in the UK. My patner has always given her maintenance and that has never changed. Then she got married to a very rich man and had another child. Everything improved slightly and she seemed to be behaving a bit more resonably. But now after her 6 years of marriage she told my partner that her husband hit her and broke her jaw, this by all accounts was not the first time this has happened but she obviously put up with it because of the lifestyle and money. She is now getting divorced. Obviously my partner was upset because his son witnessed this and because we live abroad felt a little helpless. He asked his son if he wanted to come and stay for a week but he would not leave his mother or his younger step brother, which I totally understand. In a moment of weakness I offered them all to come for a week to get their heads together whilst this was all going on.. This is bearing in mind I have never met or even spoken to his ex. She said thank you but it never materialised. Now nearly a year later she has deceided she would like a holiday and has asked to come out and stay. I am not happy about this as this was an offer made in extremis at the time of the assualt it was not an open ended offer for her to have a holiday when she feeels like it. My partner is making me feel bad about it. We are due to be married next year and he has still not told his son or her. He is in the UK at the moment and I just found out he spent the evening there at her house with another couple having dinner. Am I being unreasonable to think this is not acceptable. Any advise would be much appreciated.

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Delia - posted on 10/21/2012

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Hi Kathryn



No he did not tell me about the dinner, He called me on skype and told me had dinner with her and friends the night before. I never stop him seeing his son in fact I always encourage it, but I do not feel comfortable with her staying in our house to be honest. As far as his son is concerend he can come anytime and does. I would never have invited her a year ago if it were not for her son seeing her get hit. My partner has seen his son several times since the incident as he flew straight over there when it happened. If your asking do I have a good reason to say no to his ex partner, not really apart from it is not sitting comfortably with me. She has never bothered to speak to me, she has even bad mouthed me in the past when she had never met me or knew anybody who knew me. I just do not trust her, that is the bottom line.

Kathryn - posted on 10/21/2012

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Do you have any reason to think he still has feelings for his ex? I hope he told you about the dinner ahead of time, but still it is reasonable to consider he would want to see his son and check the situation out first hand. It sounds like, although she did not want to take you up on your original offer, she had time to think it through and reconsider. Has something changed to make you change your mind about her coming? Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes. He has to think about what is in his son's best interests, and you need to support that within limits. If you really can not tolerate her coming then you need to have a very good reason why you can not have them.

Delia - posted on 10/21/2012

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He said to me the time has not been right with all that was going on but I think he is worried how she will react as obvioulsy she is not in a good place and her lifestyle is going to have to drastically change from spending £10,000 a month to now as she does not have the rich husband anymore. I am also aware that when she was married and my partner used to go and pick up his son he used to have to wait down the road now all of a sudden he is being told to come for dinner and even stay if he wants. I am not a jelous person at all but I believe she must have very thick skin to even want to stay when she has not even spoken or met me. And why now when the offer was over a year ago.

Delia - posted on 10/21/2012

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His son does come out on holiday when she wasn't taking them somewhere with her husband and my partner also travels to the UK frequently to see him. So thye problem of him coming out here on his own is not a problem its just she now wants to come and stay.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/21/2012

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But to be honest, it concerns me (or would if I were you) that he has not told them you are getting married. Did he tell you why he hasn't told them?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/21/2012

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It was awefully nice of you to offer to open your home to her family when they were in crisis. It is a year later, and I can totally see why you would not want this anymore. I am sure your fiance just wants to see his kid, so maybe you both can work out a compromise. Best of luck.

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