My raging stepmother

Brooklyn - posted on 05/30/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )




I'm writing in hopes to find some help with how to deal with a step mother who is constantly getting on my nerves about one thing or another.

First thing about me though. I am a single mother of a very happy and active five year old boy. When I first got pregnant, she wanted me to have an abortion. When I refused, she kicked me out of the house. She then told me to putting my child up for adoption was an option. I refused. Over the years, I started to believe that I was never going to have the chance at motherhood because my periods never came around yet the doctors couldn't tell me why I wasn't having them. I have always loved kids. I volunteered in a kindergarten class in my junior and senior year of high school.

My step mother constantly makes me feel like I'm a horrible person and an even worse parent. I know I'm not the best parent, but what parent is perfect? I know that I'm far from the worst parent out there. I gave up my old life for my child. I don't smoke. I hardly drink (when I do, he's spending the night at my dad and step moms house). I don't do drugs. My step mother keeps bringing up my weight (I'm a heavy set mama) and tells me what I should and shouldn't be eating.

Recently she complained that I never invite them into my home. I didn't say anything. The reason? She would constantly complain about my use of fragrances. There have been a few times where she had asked if it would help if she bought fragrant-free laundry detergent for me. Why and how would that help? It's my household and I have the right to use whatever product I chose to use. She then told me that she didn't want me or my son coming over unless we switched. I called my dad the next day to ask if she had told him what she told me. He was furious. She then called me later saying that I shouldn't have brought my dad into it, that I should have kept it between us. Few days later I talked to my dad and told him that I felt he had the right to know, especially if he hadn't seen his ONLY biological grandchild for weeks at a time. I didn't want him to think I was holding my son away from him.

Another thing she's done was she insisted that she needed to have my son's insurance card and a letter from me stating that they could bring him into the doctor. I didn't say anything but felt that was pretty invasive. She's always saying that as grandparents they don't have any rights. I don't think she hears herself saying that because she just answered her self, she doesn't have parental rights because she's not his legal guardian, I am. I talked to his doctor at his check up, she told me the doctors would just give me a call in an event of him coming in.

She doesn't ask before she cuts his hair, which I find rude and disrespectful. She wouldn't cut her son's kids' hair without permission but yet she's giving herself the rights do that to my son. She doesn't tell me when they plan to take him out of town. Number one rule of being a parent is ALWAYS know where your young child is. Often times I find out they have taken him out of town after the fact but then she gets mad when I ask her what the plans are before allowing him to go over there.

I have become so flustered that a lot of times I start thinking that I should start banning their visits but it would absolutely kill me because I love and respect my father and my son absolutely loves his grandpa and my stepmom so dearly. I can't take my son's happiness away.

I just don't know what to do. How do I talk to her without her flying off the handle when I try to explain how I feel?


Floria - posted on 05/30/2015




Brooklyn Davis, WOW! I sort of know what you are going through. I had somewhat a similar problem with my now ex-mother-in-law who is my kids Grandmother. I am 52 so I dealt with this back in the 90's. My mother-in-law would actually come to my house, go through my cabinets and throw food in the garbage! She was on (and still is on) a serious health kick and at the time her focus was on Palm Oil and Sodium. My husband and I were young, had 2 young children and I was a stay at home Mom, so money was tight. We could not afford to buy all the expensive foods she thought we should buy so she thought (I am assuming) it was her 'duty' to rid our home of 'toxic things'. Maybe some people would be okay with her coming into their homes, raiding then throwing away stuff in their home but I wasn't. In the beginning I would wait till she walked out of my kitchen, bag up what she threw away and take it upstairs to our room. After multiple occasions of doing this over several years, I finally had enough! First I gave my husband the opportunity to deal with it, he didn't, so I did. One night I got a call from her telling me they were going to come to town and my husband was home. I told him to deal with it. Like I said he did not. So the next morning when my kids were taking a nap I called her and calmly told her that she would be more than welcome in our home, however, the thing of her "going through my cabinets was not going to happen again. This is my home not yours. You have no business going through my cabinets and throwing food away unless I tell you to. If you find you cannot help yourself then I would appreciate it if you stayed in a hotel and only came for supper or somewhere away from my home so you would not be 'tempted' to go through my cabinets" Of course she wanted to give me all the reasons why it was best if I followed her example and just not even buy those things. I had to stand my ground, however hard it was since we were close. Before, when they would stay at our house, they too would take my kids and go shopping without saying anything to us or even ask us. That stopped when they did it and I called the police. Yes, they got mad and my husband did as well. This is the thing:

If you do not stand up to her now it is only going to get worse. Talk to her in a calm, respectful manor. Explain to her how you feel, however, at the same time you have to take control back of your life and your child. If she or her and your dad do take your son out of town without your EXPRESSED permission, CALL THE POLICE! Let her know that is what you are going to do if she does take your child out of town without your permission. No, she may not like it nor may your dad. So explain to them both (even if you have many times before) YOUR RULES for them being able to have your son at their house. Write those rules down on a piece of paper and give it to them. Let them know the last thing you want to do is have to limit their time with your son, however if they cannot follow YOUR RULES for YOUR CHILD then limitations will be set to the point that they will only get to spend time with him in your home or in theirs only if you are there.

Basically, sit down and make a list of all the things she is doing that you DO NOT WANT DONE anymore. Make an effort to talk to both in person without your son. Stay as calm as possible. Use the "I" word (I feel disrespected when my son is taken out of town without my permission), (I want to be the one to cut his hair. It is a special time for the two of us). Be direct. When they (or she) try to interrupt you, just stop talking. Don't respond, not a word. When she stops talking then pick up where she interrupted you, ignoring everything she said...tune out. Mind you this is not going to be easy. But if you stay the course, stand your ground, you will get your point across.

I wish you luck! Remember, it is YOUR life, and YOUR son. YOU make the rules now.


View replies by

Dove - posted on 05/30/2015




Have you told her any of this yet? Or do you just keep letting her walk all over you and she has no idea how you feel? If you HAVE told her... why are you still letting this woman be a part of your lives? Your dad can see you guys on his own time w/out her present. If you HAVEN'T told her... you only have yourself to blame.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms