My son abuses me

Kimberly - posted on 05/28/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )




My 16 year old has had behavioral problems since he was 13. All his life he had issues with behaving in school or listening to authority figures. Since he turned 13 he bagan commiting crimes. Ive done all i can as a parent to help, counceling, medication, hes diagnosed with depression and ADHD, but nothing helps, ive tryed being the good mom, friend mom, the strict mom, nothing. Hes been on juvenile probation but his worker wont help me, he always hurt both my daughters that he was arrested for and they kept him living in my home against my wishes, i reported his verbal abuse and physical abuse against me his mom twice just for his worker to tell me im being hard on him and i have to keep him my home he needs, today i had no choice to have my son arrested when he attacked me while i was driving , my daughter was in the front seat my son in the back, he come from behind and dragged me between the seats causing me to lose control of my car as he gave hard blows to the side of my head, i managed to keep the car from crashing and in the struggling made to the police dept parking lot where he jumped out while the car was moving and he ran in yelling child abuse! The police had it on tape and believed me knowing his abusive history and arrested him, it sounds like his worker is going to make me bring him home after a 72 hour hold. What can I do?


Guest - posted on 05/28/2014




He is your child, so you are responsible for his boarding until he is 18 unless you place him into foster care, which means giving up your rights to him. If you do not want him residing in your home, you do have a few options.
The easiest option is to send him to a boarding school away from home. There are many of these in the US with teaching and living environments varying from strict military styles to free flowing Montessori styles and everything in between. Visit a few and find a good fit for your son.
Another option, if his psychologist or psychiatrist will back you up, is to commit him to an in patient mental hospital. He is still a minor, so you can do this if you feel it is necessary.
Lastly, if you have a relative, preferably in another city, who is willing to take him in, you might be able to work out an agreement with them.

You never mentioned the verdicts or sentences for any of his arrests. You may be able to speak to the judge or the DA about pushing for a sentence that evolves public service or a stay in juvenile detention. Be warned though that most kids who go into juvenile detention come out with more severe problems than they arrived with. I would only recommend that if you know he is just a lost cause and are ready to give up on him completely, but if you are ready for that, the foster system might be a better option.

You also never mentioned what kind of counselling he is receiving. It could be a poor fit for his issues. Is his father in the picture at all? If not, that is okay, but it could be causing some emotional instability. Does he have any positive male role models that he sees on a regular basis (2-4 times a week or so)? To get to the root cause of his actions, you have to understand why he is prone to them, and this can mean some VERY deep digging on all of your parts--him, you, and his doctors. If you can find and address the root you can usually eliminate the unwanted behavior. The cause could be anything from a small event that took on major proportions because it occurred at a specific time in his development to a major defect in neurochemistry that inhibits his ability to process emotion or to see consequences of his actions before he acts.


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Riana - posted on 09/11/2015




Hi Kimberly. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I actually joined circle of moms because of your post. I know you have gotten evaluations on your son, but has he been diagnosed as a sociopath or psychopath? He does exhibit the behaviors. You need to have an independent evaluation done and an extensive one with therapy weekly. He is now 17 I'm guessing and you can have him institutionalized or commited forcibly if he has harmed you or others. Depending on the state you live in there are options and he can be declared criminally insane. I know this is a horrible position you have been in and no mother wants to do this to their child, but he may do worse to others and take someone's life. I would get him further evaluated and diagnosed and petition to the judge and speak with the state mhmr about involuntary commitment. He is almost an adult and even then, you can still do it if they are a harm to himself or others. Try and get him on video harming any of you. Install a security system and you can even get one for the inside of your cars. It very well may be sociopathic tendencies, but he has deep seeded issues that may be fixed with in-depth therapy in a facility. My mom had my older half sister put into juvenile hall and she fooled all the psychiatrists and had them convinced my parents were abusing her. She kept trying to get out and they told my parents they had to come get her. This was in the 80s. She is older than me by 10 years and would abuse me and then love me and be the role model I looked up to and then abused me more. When I was 1 she threw me across a piano in a fit of rage. When I was 1-3 she would leave me in our house alone for hours when she was supposed to be babysitting me and I would look everywhere for her, even outside. When I was 3 she forced me to smoke a cigarette and a joint with her friends, then another time made me watch the first Nightmare on Elm St. while she held me down. Then when she was babysitting me again later, she would get my mom's meat cleaver and go outside, so when I looked for her, she'd be at the door laughing with a maniacal look on her face threatening to cut me up and told me Freddy's going to get me, so when I went to another door to try and get out and run from her, she'd be there by the time I got there and so on over and over.It terrified me and changed me. I slept in my parents bed for a year because of that and had ptsd. That same year I was left with my sister at my great uncle's house while my whole family was at a funeral and they had a pool. I couldn't swim and we couldn't find floaties. I was deathly afraid of the water and it was ok if my sister held me, but she kept letting me go and making me have to struggle, without instructions on how to swim. I refused to get in, so she hit me in the head with a rock and really hurt me. I was crying and she started consoling me and telling me come here, so she could hug me. When I did, she threw me in the water and I barely made it to the edge and almost drowned. I was traumatized by water for awhile and wouldn't go in without any kind of flotation device. She would tell me to get on the handlebars of her bike to ride with her and slam on the brakes so I would fly into the gravel roads and hurt myself and then would apologize, saying she shouldn't have done it, so I wouldn't get her in trouble. Then after that when she'd ask me to do it again, she promised she'd never do it again and would, over and over. At 5 she threatened me with a baseball bat at her 16th bday. At 6 I watched her beat my mom and pull out almost all her hair, as I screamed and ran to get my grandmother. She manipulated my maternal gma into giving her all her money and tried to sell her home out from under her without the deed when I was 17 and right before that she put me up against a wall by my throat and threatened me because she thought I took her eye makeup remover, that my mom had given me and was the same. At 19 and 8 months pregnant I tried to leave in my car after she went into a rage and threatened to hit me and had her fist raised and her face in mine after she yanked my car door open. She is 8 inches taller than I am and has 100 lbs on me. I finally after doing research for psych class and college found her diagnosis, which is antisocial personality disorder. Not one of the prison or case workers diagnosed her with anything that fit. After researching extensively, I knew this was her to a T. My parents had to immancipate themselves from her at 15 because they couldn't control her, she stole from them, broke in and stole rare coins, jewelry and right before 16, after she'd been kicked out of the house, she got into a huge fight with my parents, that I was able to hear while I was in the bath crying. The next morning I woke up and thought my parents were gone because their car was and come to find out, she had stolen the keys the night before and taken their only car. Two weeks later they received a call saying the car blew up at a gas station while she had been pumping gas. Probably threw out a cigarette and it came back in the back window. I love my sister, but she's a full on drug addict now, who's had her moments where she's done good, but for the most part, her life is drugs and jail. She can't get a job, except under the table or cleaning houses, etc. and can't rent an apartment with her record.. She's now almost 42. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, but love your children. They will do what they want no matter how hard you try to help them and give them every opportunity to succeed and turn their lives around. I hope you are able to get better help for your son. I have a son who's adhd and possibly odd. He's 11 and has started getting aggressive, but is mostly depressed and frustrated and endures alot of abuse and misunderstanding from those who don't understand him and how his brain works. Your son could also be acting out because he feels he has no control and is trying to control everything. I don't know. I don't know any of the details, but I will be praying you find a way to help him and not be kept in the position of constantly protecting yourself and family from the dangers he imposes on all of you. Trust me, you are not alone. God Bless you Kimberly.

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