my son is 18

Laure - posted on 07/18/2016 ( 1 mom has responded )

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my son is 18, has a 17 yr old girlfriend, lives with his dad, spends all his time at his girlfriends home, forbids his girlfriend to be alone with me, ignores me and says i'm annoying. always had a best friend relationship with my kids until he moved in with his alcoholic father and learned why i divorced him. lost my apt, car, pet, daughter had to go live with grandparents 2 years ago because ex husband stopped paying child support for 4 months to punish me for divorcing him, after 17 years being divorced. i feel devastated and lost. i have ptsd now, suffered a concussion from work in 2012, with short term memory issues, weakness, digestive issues, 100 lb weight gain and trying to explain this to him is just not getting thru to him. he skated through school on a D average, because he is so smart and felt school was dumb and worthless and his father did not push him to do better. he doesn't answer my texts to his girlfriend. he doesnt have phone service because i took it away when he lost his job after promising to pay his bill. his girlfriends father pays for his plane tickets for him to go with his girlfriend to visit her father. this i find enabling my son to be irresponsible and expecting his girlfriend;s family to cater to his needs. my son's father's mother caters to her son whenever he quits a job...she owns a home he lives in, buys him groceries and pays his bills and buys him a car. my son sees this and says "nanna will buy my dad a car and i can have his"...my 20 year old daughter has tried to talk to him about responsibility but my son believes that he will be catered to just like his father. i guess i can only sit back and wait for him to become mature and realize i'm a good mother and i'm here for him when he wants a relationship. i love and miss him so much. he and his sister are the light of my life.

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Sarah - posted on 07/20/2016

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You seem to be going through quite a lot and all at the same time. I am so sorry. You have stated some very valid concerns. The first is related to your health. You cannot help your son if you are not healthy. The first thing is to address the stress in your life that is negatively impacting your health. You absolutely MUST put a stress management plan in place. If you are not meeting with a counselor, please schedule to meet with someone. It sounds like you need to address each area that you are facing as a separate issue so that you can work through a strategy for relief. Focus on the Family offers FREE counseling over the phone. That might be a good step for you to take. Talking to a Christian Counselor has helped me immensely at times.
There is not pain like a son who is not listening to you when you can see so clearly the negative direction of his life. I know something about what that feels like. I strongly suggest to you that you pray for him and turn him completely over to God. The outcomes that he faces may be difficult for him and hard for you, but he has to be turned around. Knowing that his paternal grandmother is there to bail him out is not helpful. I also know what that is like. God, however, has a way, when we pray of moving our spouses and our children to a place that only HE can rescue them. Again, the process is not easy because we love our children. Unfortunately, it takes more to reach some people than others.
I strongly suggest that you stop attempting to contact your son since he does not seem to want to be reached. I believe that he will reconnect with you, but first he needs to value your relationship and not take it for granted. Our sons are secure that we will not abandon them, that we will always love them. We never take the love away, but there need to be some boundaries.
I truly wish that you did not have to experience anything that you are experiencing, but I am confident in this, on the other side of this is something great for you , for your son, and for you r family.
Sarah

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