MY SON IS 19 HAS ADHD & ODD, STOPPED TAKING HIS MED. 2 YEARS AGO

ELLEN - posted on 09/28/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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AT FIRST HE WAS OK BUT AS TIME WENT HE IS IMPOSSIBLE,WE CAN'T TALK TO HIM HE JUST SAYS HE IS 19 HE CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS HE LEAVES THE HOUSE AS SOON AS HE WAKES NO BREAKFAST NOTHING, HAS A CELL PHONE BUT WILL NOT ANSWER IT,AND WILL NOT TELL US WHERE HE IS GOING OR NOTHING,WE HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT TAKING HIS CAR KEYS AWAY,BUT I'AM AFRAID THINGS MAY GET WORSE,THE CAR IS OURS WE PAY FOR IT AND ALL HE JUST DRIVES IT,AND PAYS FOR THE GAS. HAS A JOB ON WEEKENDS WORKS 6PM TO 6AM SATURDAY AND SUNDAY,ALSO GOES TO COLLEGE HIS GRADES ARE NOT THAT GOOD, HE IS JUST DRIVING US CRAZY,IT SEEMS TO ME THE LONGER HE IS OFF HIS MED. THE WORSE HE GETS.
HE WAS DIGNOSED WHEN HE WAS 7, HE WAS ON SEVERAL DIFFERANT MED. AND i KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HIM AT 3,4,5,AND6 BUT NOONE WOULD LISTEN TILL THE SCHOOL FOUND IT HE HAS BEEN TO SEVERAL PSY. BUT NON OF THEM HELPED MUCH DOES ANYONE HAVE A PROBLEM LIKE THIS.PLEASE WRITE.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/07/2013

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Trust me, Ellen, I do know what it's like when your "baby" moves out! Mine did this past summer, and I still worry about him meeting his obligations, having enough food, getting enough sleep, getting to work on time, living on his own...you name it, I've worried about it!

Here's the deal. My kid was raised to understand how to live. He understands his medical condition, and is willing to take the steps to treat it. He understands his responsibility for getting his rent paid on time, he understands that he won't have someone cooking/cleaning for him...

It was very hard for me to let him go! He's my kiddo, he's my firstborn, he (along with his brother and dad) is the most important being in my life. But...rather than go through the fights, the anguish of him drawing away from us and living his own life, we realized that he's ready to fly. And we let him.

Your son most likely understands his condition. Most likely is not taking meds because he feels they're not working. Most likely would really like you to get off his back and let him 'live and learn' on his own.

The only person who can blame you if he 'fails' (by not paying rent, not having food, etc) is you, yourself. No one else can, and few would, especially those of us who've already survived this step in our kid's lives. If you would blame yourself for his setbacks once he's out, then that would stem from one of two things: you feel guilty for not teaching him how to stand on his own two feet, or you're just being over sensitive and beating yourself up about it for no reason.

How long did you plan to have him in your home, anyway? Until he's 20? 30? 40? Not realistic, honey, not at all.

And, I really should point out that ADHD & ODD aren't debilitating medical conditions. They are manageable without you having to stifle the kid and keep him at home.

Jodi - posted on 10/06/2013

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You said "PLEASE WRITE". So we did. And we tried to give some constructive advice (as parents of teenagers and adult children ourselves). But that's ok, we are used to people on this board being in denial. You are totally normal.

ELLEN - posted on 10/06/2013

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WELL I JUST WROTE FOR INFO. NOT TO BE GOT ON TO OR TOLD WHAT HE WILL DO. DO YOU KNOW HIM(NO), KNOW ONE KNOWS HIM MORE THAN ME,WHAT IF HE DID LEAVE AND COULD NOT PAY THE RENT,OR HIS BILLS,AND ALSO DID'T HAVE MUCH FOOD. YOU WOULD SOME HOW SAY IT'S MY FAULT.
WELL I WANT NO PART OF THIS,I THOUGHT IT WAS PEOPLE HELPING PEOPLE,WELL FOUND OUT DIFFERANT. BYE

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/04/2013

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LOL...This whole convo is hilarious! If I were THAT uptight about my 19 YO's whereabouts, I'd be INSANE!

Good thing he's living on his own, contacts me when he wants (which is usually daily), answers his phone when he damn well pleases (as do I, once I'm "off duty", I'm "off grid" as well...LOL)

But I actually (GASP) gave him his own choice of medical care, and when we were having serious medical issues with him over the last 3 years, gave him an active voice in his treatment! Oh, the HORROR!!!

In otherwords, IMO, Ellen, you need to back off and let your kid be the adult he's trying to be.

ELLEN - posted on 10/04/2013

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THIS is Robbie my mother is a nice mother,Ijust have problems.So get off my moms back. I love her and she loves me, I do need to get back on my med. She is not the only person that has told me that.(but she does not know that) She does not know I;am writing this. so I'll leave now, just get off her back.

Jodi - posted on 10/03/2013

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I think you are missing my point entirely. That's fine. My basic point is this:

If you don't like the way your son lives or behaves while living under your roof, ask him to move out. He is an adult. He is old enough to make his own choices without having you breathe down his neck. It really is that simple. Lay down your expectations, provide him with the alternative (i.e. move out) and allow him to decide. Don't be at all surprised if he decides to move out.

About the cell phone.....I don't answer mine half the time either, especially if I'm busy. Heck, sometimes I just turn the damn thing off. What would you do in an emergency if cell phones weren't around? Think about it, back in the day, my parents couldn't always contact me because there WERE no cell phones. I'm sure it was the same with you. You shouldn't have to know where your adult child is 24/7.

The fact is, he has a job, he attends college (so what if his grades aren't great, he is attending), he isn't a bad kid. You make it sound like he is the devil incarnate, but he is actually showing that he is relatively responsible merely by these two things. Give him some credit.

ELLEN - posted on 10/03/2013

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for 1thing he is not overseas my husband was overseas so i know what tyhat is like. but my son will never be able to go over there unless he moves there. You sound just like him , i do not need to know where he is every minute .all I would like is respect. I lived with my parents till i was 33 and got married. i would let them know where i was going when ever I left the house,what is the big deal of that,you would like your son who lives with you sure he has a job and buys gas what about car insurance food ,health insureance,a place to stay free of charge plus who bought the car,not him. my parents was out on a date if they did not let my grandmother know where they was going my father would not of been there when his father died,he would not of been able to tell him he loved him or nothing. and with the cell we would not know his where abouts,alls we would like if we can is get a hold of him in a emergency, why does he have a cell phone if they never answer it, answer that you think you know it all.

Jodi - posted on 10/03/2013

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So he doesn't talk to you when he is home. He's 19. it happens. So you don't know where he is every minute of the day. Do I know what that is like? Of course I do. My husband's daughter is 21 and just came back from 2 months overseas. We had no idea where she was most of the time. We just had to have faith that she was safe and making good choices. Get over it!! HE IS 19!! You need to learn to let go. Right now, you are trying to hold his leash very close, and the tighter you pull it (which you are trying to do) the harder he will push the boundaries/. It doesn't matter what he was born with, unless you have some sort of document legally declaring that your son is not an adult and incapable of making his own decisions, then you need to back off. Set down the rules in your house, and quite honestly, the only thing you can do if he doesn't like them or follow them is ask him to leave, but you can't control what he does outside your home.

ELLEN - posted on 09/29/2013

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yes he is living in our house he does not talk to us just when we ask a question. we get calls for him while he is gone we do not know where he is ,do you know how that is.when you do not know where your child is and some one else calls needs him then.or what if something happened to us or his grandparent we could not get in touch with him. our health is not good,his father has kidney problems ,I have had cancer have asthma real bad died once from it. and we are not young any more,what is a cell phone for? yes he is 19 we give him way too much liberty, on friday night he goes to my mothers to stay all weekend, his work is close to my mothers, we live about 30 miles from his job,thats fine but what is not fine he will leave our house at 8am get to moms at 10.30 or 11.she is older than me, he is very disreaspeful, we have talked to him about that, one night I was looking for him,i learned they found a teen about 18-20 in a ditch I got worried called him 4 times no answer so i called his friends I knew they did not see him, when he got home all he said was if I get killed you can visit me in the morg,what a thing to say to your mom.
he also has goldenhar syn.it means in his case he was born without a left eye or a left ear,half a left jaw bone half a left nostril,had a track put in to help him breath at 1 month also had a g-tube or feeding tube put in at 1 month, has had 52 surgerys till 17,
got his breathing tube and feeding tube out at 9 years old. had in home nurses till he was 6 I fired them all (i could do all they done)and i wanted him to know I was his mother.i had to do cpr on him at 5 weeks,we took him to atlanta for his surgeries and all at birth the dr wanted us to sighn him over to the state I said no he is our son we will get him fixed. all we went through and now he treats us like this. but I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON HIM (I LOVE MY SON).

Jodi - posted on 09/28/2013

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Well, he is 19. He's right, he is an adult. You can't dictate to him what he is doing. He is attending college. He goes to his job. If he doesn't want to answer your calls, then I'm not sure why it is necessary that he does so. Do you really need to know exactly where he is? If he doesn't want breakfast, that is a choice he is making as an adult. By all means, you can take the car away, but he is paying for the gas, I am not sure what that will accomplish.

Nothing in your post indicates to me that he is doing the wrong thing. If anything, your post indicates that you are still treating him as a child, and that he wants to make his own decisions as an adult. Obviously, with the rights he gets as an adult, comes responsibility.

Are there other things you haven't posted that are driving you crazy? Because the things you have mentioned don't seem particularly extreme.

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