My son is almost 3 and he acts afraid of my boyfriend all of a sudden?

Angela - posted on 12/25/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )




My boyfriend has been living with us for 4 months, Everything was fine between he and my son until he started visiting his dad on weekends. This past visit his bio dads' mother refused to give my son back to us, because they want custody of him. A whole week went by before The police agreed to rescue my son from them. They called dcf on us, reporting abuse, neglect and an unsafe environment which dcf found to be false. After the past visit, upon coming home to us, he cries any time my boyfriend comes near him or even talks to him. He clings to me, and pushes him away. My boyfriend
has done nothing but love him, he does so much for my son. In the first 3 months my boyfriend was learning how to be a dad to him, he would yell, and he scared my son a bit. my boyfriend would feel awful every time and he would apologize to both my son and I right after, then my son would warm right back up to him afterward. My boyfriend just thought that's how you get a child to stop being defiant. It's how my boyfriend was raised. Remember, my boyfriend is completely new to being a dad. sometimes my boyfriend and I would have really loud arguments, and that freaked my son out a bit, but we've learned to solve our differences differenly, and much more calmly, and my boyfriend is now much softer with my son. Even still, he never acted like this until his past visit with gram and biological dad, even with the frustrating quirks mentioned above. My sons father And grandmother are very spiteful, and so are the rest of their side of the family. I am wishing I knew what went on to cause this.


Jodi - posted on 12/25/2014




You stated that your boyfriend has been living with you for 4 months, and for the first 3 months was learning how to be a dad, he would yell and scared your son a bit. Now put this in perspective. For 3/4 of the time your boyfriend has been living there, your son has been a bit scared of him, and THAT is the impression he still has. You say you wish you knew what happened to cause your son to be afraid of your boyfriend, but please, put yourself in someone else's shoes and read what you just posted. Your boyfriend may be much calmer with him now, but that is not going to totally wipe out the first few months in just a few weeks.

Ev - posted on 12/25/2014




You also have to understand that at this age a child does not understand what is going on at all. THey just know that they are with either mom or dad and in this case different places. How often does he visit his dad and his dad's family? If it is not regular then that can also cause some of what is going on with his reaction to your BF. Your son just does not have the capable words to tell you what is going on in his mind and the way you described his reaction is the only way he can tell you anything.

You never said if there is a custody agreement set up in the courts. If not you should get one done ASAP. It would set up when the child goes to what parent and for how long. It would also hold dad and you accountable to that agreement and if violated it can be dealt with within the court. If there is not agreement right now, I am surprised the police intervened at all. Usually it takes custody agreement before they do anything. Also depending on state law where you live, if he takes the child and keeps him he does not have to give him back as long as he has the proof of being the child's father aka birth certificate.

Also you put your feelings down about his dad, grandmother and the family on dad's side. That is not enough to use in court to keep visits from going on or being supervised. You need absolute proof that the child is in danger in the care of his dad or the relatives on dad's side. Just because they are being spiteful is not enough to yell about it. Also if you are talking about dad in front of him or even the family, your son will pick up on your resentment of them. That also needs to be held from your son.

You need to understand that the child is the one who suffers most.

I hope this extra insight helps you.

(Am a mother of two, divorced from the father for over 12 years.)

Mommabird - posted on 12/25/2014




At age 3 its hard to know whats going on in their little minds. Their still trying to figure everything out themselves. Im not sure who dcf is but if there is a social worker or someone involved maybe if they visited both homes while the child was interacting with everyone they could determine what triggers his behavior. May not have anything to do with abuse or might be something as simple as a feeling of insecurity with the two men in his life. Or it could be something completely off the wall that noone would think of besides a licensed professional. That would also give everyone involved a little peace of mind instead of assuming the worst.


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Angela - posted on 12/25/2014




Thank you so much Charlotte that was so very encouraging and I've posted on many other threads. the responses were rude @ best. Merry Christmas! I do think that sounds like a brilliant idea; Having a social worker get some perspective.

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