My son is Moody and mean when he comes home from his bio-fathers...

Beth - posted on 12/07/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Let me start by saying, my children's biological has was in jail for 8 years and released 2 years ago. Before he went to jail and we were together he certainly wouldn't have won the father of the year trophy, he would have even placed in the top 100. Yeah, it was that bad. Even still, I have always wanted them to have a relationship with their father and to know where they came from. Although, now, I am rethinking this for multiple reasons. One of them being that we have 4 children together and he only wants to take one of them at a time. Which, I mean come on. Then, he will call a lot of times at the very last minute to cancel on them or just not show up at all, and of course they get upset and get there feelings hurt. He also wants to spend more time with my 13 year old son then he does with the rest. He will pick him up on Friday after work and won't bring him home until Sunday, and only after I call and tell him he has to bring him home. The other children, however, he will pick up late on Saturday morning and bring back early on Sunday, normally, before noon. So of course, my other children start complaining that their dad doesn't love them as much as he loves Michael and that he wants to spend more time with him. So, this time I put my foot down and told him that he can't pick my 13 year old up on Friday that he will have to get him on Saturday the same way he does the other children. He tries to give me this run around that it is more convenient for him to pick him up on friday because he has something to do early Saturday. I told him "oh well, I don't know what to tell you. You are not picking him up tonight. You are hurting your other kids feelings." So his reply is that it doesn't matter what they think we are the parents and we make the decisions and if it is more convenient for me to pick him up now then that's between us and what they have to say or how they feel about the situation shouldn't matter. Needless to say, he a little mad because I told him it's Saturday or not at all.
He did end up picking him up on Saturday and dropping him off on Sunday after I called him and told him to bring him home. Problem is once my son walked through the door he was mean and hurtful to everyone in the house. I asked him what was wrong with him and why he was being so mean to everyone. He said, "Well maybe its because I didn't want to come home yet. It's not like I get to see him a lot." I told him that I was sorry he doesn't get to see his dad as much as he likes but that it is not our fault and he should not come home with an attitude and take his anger out on everyone in the house.
I don't understand whats going on, he is normally a very sweet and loving child and never disrespectful, but when he came home this weekend he was a completely different child and wouldn't even kiss me goodnight or goodbye when he left for school. I feel like he maybe talking to my child about things he shouldn't be discussing with him or like he is trying to turn him against me. I don't know what to do. There is no order saying that I have to let him see my children and no judge in his right mind would even grant him visitation I am sure. Basically he sees them at my discretion. And I don't want to keep them away from him but I feel like it is causing them more harm mentally then it is doing them good. I am so lost does it make me a bad mom if I keep my kids away from him. Will my kids end up hating me in the long run? or do I just leave things the way they are and let them see the type of person he is for themselves? Which is becoming increasingly more difficult because of course my first instinct is to protect my children and right now all I want to do is keep them away form him, I have even considered packing up and leaving our home and moving to another state just to get them away form him. Please Help...

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Ev - posted on 12/07/2015

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"---There is no order saying that I have to let him see my children"---This is the problem. You have no court ordered visitation, custody, or child support for those kids. In essence this man could take the kids and not give them back and the police would not even do a thing unless you had court orders for it
. " and no judge in his right mind would even grant him visitation I am sure".---And how would you know what a judge would grant him?
" Basically he sees them at my discretion"--Did you know that this could get you into trouble with a judge if their father decided to take it to court to get his rights to see them? By making the choice when, if why and how he sees them, you are almost denying him the rights to see them and it would not look good on you in court.
". And I don't want to keep them away from him but I feel like it is causing them more harm mentally then it is doing them good."--It is one of those hardships that kids have to deal with a lot these days. But if you are strong and supportive of them they can get through it. They need to see how people are in this world including their parents and relatives. Once they see what their dad is like for real I am sure they will come to the same conclusions you have of him. But it is their choice to make not yours.
" I am so lost does it make me a bad mom if I keep my kids away from him. Will my kids end up hating me in the long run?"---If you stop him seeing them, they could come to resent you for doing it for no other good reason that you dislike how he handles his visits with the kids.
" or do I just leave things the way they are and let them see the type of person he is for themselves?"---You go to court and get custody, visitation and child support set up ASAP. You have to abide those orders for all of it including visitation and let the kids figure out what kind of person he is.
" Which is becoming increasingly more difficult because of course my first instinct is to protect my children and right now all I want to do is keep them away form him,"---All us mothers want to protect our children, but we over protect them when we do not let them live life. If they do not get to experience things then they will not know how to handle them on their own when they grow up including relationships with dad and others. Its not for you to decide if he sees them or not or to keep them from having those sad feelings when he does not show for a visit or he favors one of the other kids over the rest.
" I have even considered packing up and leaving our home and moving to another state just to get them away form him."--This would be a wrong move and if he filed for visits you would be right back where you live to go to court over it and it would not look good for you either to up and leave. You have to do this the legal way. Get a lawyer and take it to court.

You decided to be with this man and you had four kids with him. So there had to be something at some point that you liked about this man enough to do this with him. You learned how he really was and he landed in jail. And now he is back and is to some sort of degree trying to spend time with his kids. His idea of how to do so is not the greatest but your not helping by not having court orders in place to protect all of you so the kids can have time with dad and you and he know what your expected duties to those kids are. You are just lucky he has not yet kept your older son with him on a weekend you decided he could have the kids. And he can do it and it would not be kidnapping. So get those court orders.

Raye - posted on 12/07/2015

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In 31 states, rapists can still be granted rights of a father, even if the girl they raped was under age, and even if that rape resulted in a child for which the father was petitioning rights. I live in Ohio, and there was a case here where the judge allowed visitation of the child, even though it kept the mother in a co-parenting relationship with her attacker. You never know what a judge will rule.

Personally, I wouldn't want the man anywhere near my kids. But, if you allow that, you should have the legal protection of court orders so that:
1) you're not brought up on child-endangering charges by letting them have unsupervised time with him.
2) he knows what days/times he will have access to the children, and you don't have to argue or negotiate the terms.
3) your kids know that you are following the law by them getting only certain time period for visitation.

A case worker giving you advice doesn't make what you're doing legal. It doesn't make you a bad mom for keeping them from him if you were awarded sole legal custody, and his rights were revoked due to his conviction. It makes him a terrible person for doing what he did and tearing apart his family.

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Ev - posted on 12/07/2015

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And I did not know what he had done to go to jail. So in that case I am sorry for giving you the line by line but sine he was involved in the statutory rape, I find it hard to believe he is allowed unsupervised visits. I know of a woman who has a child with a man and that child is now an adult. Where we live, he would not have been allowed around her until she was an adult because of that alone. He went on to marry another woman and they have kids also but the wife's parents have to raise the kids since he has this on his record of the same thing.

Beth - posted on 12/07/2015

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Thank u for ur help :) I am still a little new to this I wasn't fully aware that although I had custody I still had to go to court for visitation. But I will call my lawyer before the day is up. Again thank you so much.

Beth - posted on 12/07/2015

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He is ordered to pay child support and I do have sole legal custody but as far as his visitation there is no ruling on that. When I talked to the case worker she said that I can let him take them for the weekend or I can do supervised visitation. I talked to her to begin with because I was scared to let him take the kids because he went to jail for Statutory Rape of a 14 yr old.

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