My son is threatening to live with his dad what do I do?

Debbie - posted on 05/16/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I am a single mother of 4 teenagers. My son is 13 my daughters are 15, 17 & 18
My daughters stopped seeing their dad regularly because of his mind games control and bs. My son however thinks his dad is a saint. He up and moved an hour away and started dating the girl he rents the basement from. I know nothing about her and don't even have a problem with her until the day she came out to my car and threatened me while my 18 year old was in the back seat. I still want nothing to do with her and I'm happy my ex is preoccupied with someone else but every time my son goes up there my ex leaves him alone in the basement to do what he wants.
The latest outburst tonight my son texted asking to stay until Monday and I said no we had plans. I told him if he was going to be mouthy he would lose his iPod for a few days and as soon as I said that he pulled the whole I'm living with dad and that's that. I get so upset and heart broken when he pulls this nonsense because he is fine when he's not around his dad. He listens he does well but every time there is a "no" or he doesn't get his way he acts out. Everyone says I should let him live with his dad but it will kill me because my ex is mad that the girls don't see him even though it's his own doing and he will tarnish my relationship with my son

Please help

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Raye - posted on 05/18/2015

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Your son is a teenager, he's going to act out, threaten, etc. It's what teens do. If your son wants to live with his father, then the father needs to take it to court to get the custody/visitation agreement changed. Currently you only have to provide the son to the father on the days that is agreed upon by the court documents. Anything else would be voluntary. But, personally, I don't see the harm in allowing an extra day on occasion, especially if your plans were just de-stressing and hanging out. You are worried about the influence that his father has on him, and you are probably justified to feel that way. But you can't shield him from everything.

Jodi - posted on 05/17/2015

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I am giving you advice. I am wondering why it was such a big deal to you that he wanted to stay an extra day. My son often asked for an extra day at his dad's house at this age, and as long as it isn't interfering with his school, I don't see that it is a big deal. You certainly sound like a mother who doesn't want her son to be with his dad......I honestly still can't understand why you made an issue of it. Making an issue over it was the reason your son said he wants to live with his dad full time? Just let him have the extra day with his dad, and it would never have been in question.

Debbie - posted on 05/17/2015

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Actually it doesn't include Monday's. It is until sundays at 7pm. And holidays and long weekends were not originally in the court papers when we went the first time.

I can't to circle of moms for advice and you seem to think I'm this ,on who doesn't want her son to be with his dad.

Jodi - posted on 05/17/2015

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Actually, your ex got all holidays and long weekends because that is pretty standard, especially if you have the children most of the time. I'm not seeing that he got them because he had a lawyer and you didn't.

If he got each long weekend, then really, the long weekend includes the Monday, does it not? So it isn't fair to punish him for wanting to stay with dad until Monday. To be honest, I am still seeing that this is about you, not about the child. I'm still not seeing the issue with allowing him to stay until Monday.

Debbie - posted on 05/17/2015

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It's hard to explain. When we were in court my ex got all holidays long weekends etc be he had a lawyer and I did not because I'm not working had a hysterectomy and just couldn't obtain one. It was to the point my exes lawyer even threatened that I would get nothing if I didn't sign that day. Every Sunday night on a long weekend I take my children away for the night to just distress have fun and to just be away. Like I said my son is fine and only threatens to live with his dad when he is told no or he can't get away with stuff. My son only sits on his xbox at his dad's and believes that's a social life because his father was the same way. My ex was abusive and I left when he hit our son. My son says he's over it and so should I. There's so much more to my story. It wasn't as cut and dry as a no.

Jodi - posted on 05/16/2015

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So what was the reason he couldn't stay until Monday? YOU had plans, but how were those plans important to him? I am just wondering if maybe you couldn't have been a little more flexible? It just sounds a little like "my way or the highway". If the plans were reasonable, inclusive or necessary, there may also have been a different way of handling the situation than just a flat out "no, we have plans".

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