My son's father finally met him after 13 years

Teresa - posted on 03/14/2013 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My sisters and I took my son to meet his father last weekend. He hasn't seen him since he was a little baby and my son didn't know him at all. Well to make a long story short he didn't spend much time with his son, but he did send his wife to the mall to give him a couple hundred dollars, he brought him a play station 3 and some games , and gave him a phone he hasn't got turned on yet for him and I'm glad of that because he doesn't need a phone. I'm glad my son did get to meet his other family though because he had a great time with them.I just can't believe after all these years this man is still acting juvenile and still has the same problems he had years ago . I know one damn thing I will definitely not spend anymore money to take my son up there he needs to get his life in order & make arrangements to see his child and that's if my son wants to see him .... Help please

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Shontel - posted on 03/15/2013

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I think you did the right thing for your son, he will appreciate you more. I have seen kids blame their mother for their father's absence so helping him will let him see both sides, our kids are smarter than we think and at some point they realize how much they can depend on us and what they can expect from us individually.

Colleen - posted on 03/17/2013

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Teresa, I understand how you must feel. My son is now 14 & met his father only 3 years ago. My sons father & I had seperated while I was pregnant & he disappeared shortly after he was born. We were very incompatible & he had similar issues that you're referring to.
When they 1st met the gifts we're ridiculous, one of them being a Motorbike which I had to bite my tongue over... I knew it wouldnt last forever. My sons Father hasnt changed & we dont get along but I believe my son needs to know who he is so I am pleasant for his sake.
We live in different states, if my sons father wishes to see him he pays for airfares. We do not have a Custody Arangement, just a mutual agreement between the 2 of us. My son understands that I cannot afford to pay for him to see his Father & he is OK with that.
As far as Im concerned, that if the Father of your Son wishes to have anything to do with him he will find a way. Do not stop your son from seeing him but do put in boundaries from the beginning otherwise you may find that his Father will walk all over you.
Your son will realise what sort of a person he is, especially being a Teenager. My son has come to realise why Im not with his Father & I was like you, I never had a bad thing to say about him, not once.
I wish you & your family all the best & hopefully the advice you've been given helps

Ev - posted on 03/14/2013

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Is there a custody order in place? If there is you can have it enforced. But it is his choice to be with his kid or not and you can not force it. It is going to be the father's loss in the long run.

Cheryl - posted on 04/28/2013

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to all you young mothers, from a grandmothers point of view, even if you cut out the father, don't alienate the entire family. Everyone cannot control what their children (or their grandchildrens fathers) do, some people grow up slower than others and some never do, but it doesnt mean that their parent didnt try so try not to penalize everybody.

Hwtha78 - posted on 03/17/2013

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I can relate. My son was 17 mo old when his father left. Now my son is 11. His father, my ex husband, called a year ago begging for a relationship w "his son". After he left there was no contact at all. I granted permission for them to meet in neutral territory. His father was an hour and a half late for the first meeting. Since then his father has not initiated any contact. If my son wants to spend time w his father he will call him. About 3/4 of the time they arrange something, but the other 1/4 of the time my son is heart broken.

I know it's easier said than done, but keep ur thoughts to yourself. Allow your child to set the pace for seeing his father. Let his father hang himself, so to speak, because he will.

Good luck honey. Remember that u r not alone.

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Cecilia - posted on 04/28/2013

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I think saying if the father wants to see him he needs to put the effort and money into the trip is perfectly acceptable. This is not the same as you keeping the father from seeing him, as some have said.

I live in a different state than my children's father. He has only called a few times and my son will soon be 15. He even said one year he would come for thanksgiving. I never told the kids. He did not show up. Mind you he has the address. He has never once sent a birthday card, and does not know the actually birth dates...

The reason i feel my actions of not putting in the effort is fine is simple. I put my effort into my children and my relationship with them. I do not have time to be both parents and then be the parent to their father. It just isn't my job. If he wants to be a father at least put in half the effort I put in. As a mother, if i didn't have my kids.. and all i needed was a ride/plane ticket/bus ticket /ect. to see them- i will find a way.

Cheryl - posted on 04/28/2013

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to all you young mothers, from a grandmothers point of view, even if you cut out the father, don't alienate the entire family. Everyone cannot control what their children (or their grandchildrens fathers) do, some people grow up slower than others and some never do, but it doesnt mean that their parent didnt try so try not to penalize everybody. Sad Grannie

Jennifer - posted on 03/20/2013

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My daughter's dad and I separated when she was 1 year old. He moved to another state and we heard from him sporadically for 3 years. He came back briefly to meet her when she was 4 with supervised visits. He showed up later and later and finally the court discontinued them. My daughter was heartbroken. He disappeared again for 10 years. We did not hear or see him again until she was 14. He moved back into the area and had his own family and was trying to put back together the pieces of his life. He humbly requested to meet her. After many conversations over the phone and in person I decided to put the request to our daughter. She was eager to meet him and did not remember any of the events from when she was younger. He has now been a part of her life for the last 5 years and they trying to build a relationship together. It has had lots of bumps and detours. Sometimes he feels like he has missed out on the most important moments (which he has, but there are many more to come) and sometimes she feels like they can't connect (which she is right, they have to work harder at bonding). She is now almost 19 and knows most (we left out the details that kids just don't need to know) of the story of our lives from both sides and has made peace with it. She is loved, cared for, and a healthy and vibrant young woman. Her dad has made huge strides into her life and people can change if they want to. The added bonus is now she gets to know her other grandfather, 6 uncles and aunts, and a ton of cousins that she had not met before this. I hope your story has a good outcome for you and your son. It has taken us 18 years to get to this point and it didn't happen without a lot of errors, tears, and hurt feelings. Patience, perseverance, and prayer!!

Petra - posted on 03/18/2013

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You have reached out meaning you have your child's best interest at heart but anything else from now onwards you leave to son and father. Offer a safe environment for your son to express his feelings. Make sure there is no self blame and any decision his father made had nothing to do with him. This does not define him as an individual! Lastly you will be ok with any decision he makes regarding his father.

Teresa - posted on 03/18/2013

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Thanks for your advice Colleen. It was very helpful.
This has been very hard for me, but I'm doing it for
My son and his well being .

Martina - posted on 03/17/2013

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A bit of advice ... if your son wants to see his father again and you have to pay for it ... then pay for it because if you don't your son will blame you ... my son NEVER got to meet his bio dad despite wanting to ,,, (and i had searched for several years for him and couldnt find him) .... my sons father died when my son was 15 years old ... and despite his father living with the diagnosis of prostate cancer NEVER bothered to try to contact my son to meet him .....at the end of the day ... its only mnoney (and i know its tight i got very little child support) .. but the fact i tried searching for his father at my cost was more important to my son than anything else ...

Teresa - posted on 03/17/2013

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Thanks for your advice Luisa, it was very hard for
Me to have to see my son's father again but I
Had to be strong for him. I've always told him
Only good things about him. He was a really
Mean to me after I had our son & that's why I
Left. I have a wonderful husband and I'm very
Happy. I often wonder if my sons father ever think
About how he missed out on our dons life and does
He have any regrets

Deanna - posted on 03/15/2013

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Im going through the same thing. my kids Dad is 42 and cant get his life together. still dresses like he did in high school. We cut him out of our lives.

Kathryn - posted on 03/14/2013

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Sometimes I think the child is just curious about their bio parent.
As they mature, they will realise what tyoe of parent just walks out on their child.

I'd suggest to continue to make an effort if your child asks you to, even if you think it will be a waste of time and money.

Teresa - posted on 03/14/2013

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Evelyn there is no custody order in place like I said I left that relationship and never looked back. I got married and my husband and I have three beautiful biological children together and he has always taken care of my son since day one . His biological father never did a thing for him. He claimed he looked for him and thought about him often but he didn't look hard enough. My sisters and I got together and found him so that my son can finally have some closure. If it was a custody order in place I would not want to enforce it because he has some of the same addictions he had years ago and I definitely do not want my son around him when he's like that . I just pray that he gets better so that maybe if he's willing my son can get to finally know him

Teresa - posted on 03/14/2013

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Thanks Evelyn, I think my son will be just fine. He has my husband, who may not be his biological father but we've been raising him together since he was like a year old. I think by finally getting a chance to meet his real father taught him how much we care for him. Even though he may not say it I think he probably sees why I got out of that relationship a long time ago and didn't look back until my son said that he was interested in meeting him.

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