my son steals and lies to me. It's killing me

Donna - posted on 07/19/2015 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My son steals out of my purse. he has stolen my tax money, he steals my medications, he go to very expensive stores and steals as far as I know. He gets mad when confronted and yells and acts like a child. he lives with me, because our home has been broken down by his father, who although, steals, lies, does drugs, cheated all through a very long marriage and now after I had to raise the children alone and work all through the marriage, they make me look like the bad guy. I've given up my own life to take care of children, husband, work, everything you can imagine and my husband decided to empty all acts and is with very young women, drugs and even tried to drug his own child. there is no where to turn, i have no family and no friends or support group. over the many years in marriage i was kept from having friends. But now with one son home and the other son suffering bipolar personality inherited from his father and other mental problems, I feel like a big failure. I did above and behind my duty for all of them, but most of all I loved them all more then myself. The kids see how my husband kicked me around and got away with it and I see they have repeated the cycle. I never had a real family of my own growing up. I was almost always alone. I'm alone now. Divorced, but in no way do I want to start dating. I don't want to go through the hell of marriage or a boyfriend expecting me to take care of him. I have my one son at home. he mouths off to me. then he sometimes apologizes. He will say he had a rough day. He barely works, but is extremely talented. I don't know what to do. I want him to be happy and successful, but its like he is self destructive and doing everything he can to destroy our relationship, so he can boohoo how he has no family. I understand that pain. I had no family, but I worked so hard to make everything for them. But ex-husband took it all and I could not afford the attorney's he paid for. So I was robbed, not only of a life, but have watched my children be destroyed and see how his father has gotten away with all kinds of criminal behavior. I don't think I have a chance in hell of helping anyone. I'm a wreck from all that has happened. I always tell my child I love him, but he continues to steal from me. I have no idea what he does when he is out and who he is with. He is very popular with the girls and he has lots of friends. I think he feels that we were rich and now we are poor. which by todays standards, I think I've held it together and he is embarrassed of me. That I'm not one of those girls who is living the high life. I too am traumatized. I just starting seeing a therapist, but I seriously think she is to young for me. She does not have the life time experiences I've been though, so she goes by the book and what she has learned from books. which is not real life. I can't sleep, I don't eat all day, then I eat at night because I'm up all night. I have horrible nightmares of my husband coming to kill me. He was a violent man. I know I've touched just a little bit on several subjects, but I'm at my wits end. I never stole an nickel from my mother or father, ever. I can't understand why he is doing this. I come from a broken home too, just as my son does, but i did not have all the things my son has. I had nothing at all. Not even the talent he possesses. I can't talk to him. He is so angry at everything and everyone that he takes it out on me. I don't think anyone has an answer for me. I wish there was an answer to help him and to help me to be away from all toxic people. Just when I thought I was free of toxic relatives, now I have my youngest who may possibly turn out to be the worse.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/29/2015

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Well, you mustn't be in the US, since 7 days a week, 18 hour days is illegal here...
My MIL GOT OUT of her abusive situation, while her kids were still young. She had NO EDUCATION, NO JOB SKILLS, and no real idea of how to be an adult and parent, but she did it anyway.
I'm not judging anyone, but I also don't play the excuse game. Excuse: "my son had a bad childhood, so he doesn't understand how to be a proper adult". I'm sorry, my dear, but you could substitute my husband's name for your son's (in the 'bad childhood' scenario, that is), but HE'S NEVER HAD A PROBLEM. Why? Because his mother actually taught him how to BE a proper contributing adult, even though she was in a hugely abusive situation, she could not leave the house most days, nor could her children attend school because of the abuse.
Stop making excuses about the past. MOVE FORWARD. You are enabling your son by not turning him in for FEDERAL crimes. Well, they're federal if you live in the US, that is, and if you're talking about income taxes, you are probably on the north American continent. You're babying your son, rather than making him face the consequences of his actions. Why do you think his father continues to behave that way? BECAUSE NO ONE HAS FORCED HIM TO FACE CONSEQUENCES. By not forcing your son to face the consequences of his illegal actions, you are giving him the same impression that his father had: It's OK, because NO ONE TURNS ME IN.

In short, your life is what YOU make it. You've taken strides to get out, and get away. The ONLY WAY your son is going to straighten out is by doing the time for his very serious crimes. How long do you think that apartment is going to last, when he's a thieving liar?

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Sarah - posted on 07/29/2015

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I don't understand your last post. If you worked 18 hours 7 days a week, who watched the kids? There are always choices, you chose not to go to college, fine but that doesn't mean you can't be successful, you chose to have kids no one forced you.
You think your son will b embarrassed if his friends know his problem now? Wait until he rips one of them off and they are the one to call the cops, All I see in the previous posts are good suggestions that you take care of YOURSELF and let your adult child live his own life. How is that judging you?

Donna - posted on 07/29/2015

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you must have family and friends. an abuser like this one, you don't have any options. 18 hour days of work 7 days a week weakens ones health. i did protect my children, but had no where to go and when i did finally have a place to go from my spouse the abuser. i left with my kids, but the damage was already done and let me tell you police, the law, judges, court etc do nothing for women and children in abusive situations especially when you married a very charming fellow. yes that ruined the children, but I to grew up in a nightmare of a house. somehow i survived. your judging this situation because your not in it. it's been a life of just survival for me. I'm not educated like so many are. not by choice but by my gender and what was left of any pretense of a family life told me to get a man, get married and make babies. i avoided that for a very long time, but believe me you don't get paid well in every job i took that was always respectable hoping that somehow i could get myself through a college. never happened. so i did work as hard as i could to get out of my life of abuse and poverty. the poverty part i got out of it, but the husband abuser would not let me go. even now he is a thorn in my side. He took everything that i worked for and i said, he has it. just forget it and try to just live and protect your, now grown children. my oldest child has decided that being a villian like his dad is the only way to make a go of this life and my youngest is I think mostly lost in this world. alone, like me. this does not make me feel any better about his stealing. i have confronted him and I think the problem maybe subsiding. since it would be to embarrassing if his friends knew. Plus he will be moving to an apartment to get his career going. i wish him the best. i love him. its just to much to live with someone who needs to grow up and understand. you don't steal. but his father was a fine example of stealing. he was a sicko and liar and bastard to us all. don't judge me until you have walked in my shoes. nothing is pure black or white, it all has shades of gray in life.

Cutemommy - posted on 07/22/2015

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I didn't read the entire post my apologies but it was very long. When he steals from you call the cops people that never get the proper punishment they tend to not understand the cause and affect of life and it will only get worse. for the people on here speaking on their children's behavior getting help asap is always the best thing because it only gets worse. Put your foot down now and make that boy respect you, show him the strong woman you can be. Never blame others for his actions he needs to know he is the only one responsible for what he does.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2015

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It seems that every one who has criminal problems has had a 'problem childhood'. ETA: If that were a valid excuse, my husband would be in prison, and he's not. He's NEVER had a criminal problem once his father was out of the picture. end of edit
I'm sorry, but I don't have much sympathy for that excuse. If the home life was THAT BAD, then why did you stay and subject your children to the abuse, and mistreatment?
Bottom line: Either he gets himself into counseling and a rehab program for his problems, or he gets the hell out. Period. Anything less is still enabling, will still break your heart, and will not solve anything.
You cannot force him into this. Unless he REALLY wants to change, it won't work which is why HE has to commit.

Sarah - posted on 07/20/2015

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While it comes across as harsh, you may just need to let him fall. If he is able to pick himself up and pull his life together, the sooner that happens the better. If he cannot, then he needs placement in a facility for people who cannot live independent lives. You did your job the best you could. Now, you have to step back and let him try to navigate on his own. If you don't he will continue to drag you down over, over and over.

Donna - posted on 07/20/2015

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He just turned 23. He is torn in two. he found out his father left us all for a very young girl and stole everything this family had. I think he had a type of break down as soon as he heard it. He did not take it well. He went catatonic for about a hour when he learned of the deceit. He father destroyed all we owned. It took my hard work to move up the ladder of life and I wanted to give my children a better life. I life I only dreamed of as a child. I thought I did, I never knew about all the affairs my husband carried on. It did a real number on my son's head.

Donna - posted on 07/20/2015

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I know a lot of people said, throw him out, have him arrested, but his home life growing up was horrible from his father, his father brother and my sister's ex husband, all drug abusers and liars. I don't see jail fixing this problem. sometimes he seems like he could be on the brink of suicide. he has a very high IQ but refused to finish high school. he father would go into his room and steal from him and how we found out was we put a camera in the room and watched as my ex husband robbed him. I know he is suffering and needs therapy and maybe that really would help. To me its a cry out for help. But I'm so screwed up from a horrible divorce and a husband who took everything and trashed the kids that I know there has to be a better way. I never see anyone come out of jail being a better person, but more of a mess then when they went in. I appreciate everyones suggestions. But as much as it pains me in the things he is doing. I love him very much. He was my little boy and went through some very frightening times with a miserable cruel dad. I only want him to be healed of the pain and to grown into a good man, son, maybe husband and father one day. Yes he is 23 years old, but sometimes. its more like he is still 14, that age where they drive parents crazy. I don't want to enable. But i think i will do something someone else here said, lock up everything of value, locked very securely. talk to him and hopefully there is group therapy meetings for family problems like this. He resents and hates me sometimes because he is so mad at his father and his brother and for having no relatives to talk too. I love my son. he is beautiful, talented and its like he is destroying himself and any relationship we have. when i do something to show my love. he loves me so much, but he can turn on a dime if he has had a bad day with someone and say f u mom. I won't take that and i say I will not take that rude talk. he comes in and apologizes. i'm the only family he has and he is really the only family I have. I hope people will come into his life to help save him. I'm an older mom. I had him in my 30's, so I see things a little different. I know it seems like I'm spoiling him. But I can't bear to see him hurting like I do. But I can't tolerate the stealing and lying. Talk to me. Please people. Thank you all for you thoughts. I just have no hate or anger. I just feel sad more then anything. Very sad to see him self destruct and sad for his stealing and lying when he never had to do that to me. What kind of man will he make if this continues? I can't fix him, I can't fix myself.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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If your son is an adult, KICK HIM OUT AND TURN HIS ASS IN.
He's acting on what he learned from his father.

Sarah - posted on 07/20/2015

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There is a support group for you, Alanon or Narcotics anonymous. How does your son have the ability to steal from you? If he lives with you, evict him, change the locks and make sure you park in your garage or lock you car every night. Change all of your bank account info. Stealing your tax money is a felony and a federal offense. You have done your job; you raised him. Stop enabling him and let him fall. If he goes to jail, at least he will be alive, right? Start taking care of yourself. I presume your son is an adult?

Candie - posted on 07/20/2015

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I’m sorry you are going through all of this. Maybe you could find a different therapist that you are more comfortable with? Have you sought out therapy for your son, as well? It sounds like he may be struggling with issues of his own. At some point, the counselor might bring you in for a family session. Good luck, sweetie.

~Candie~ with an -IE

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