My son was the only boy in his class who was not invited to another boy's birthday party...do I assume the invitation was lost in the mail and how do or do I approach the mother of the birthday boy?

User - posted on 02/27/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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My son goes to a Parochial school and is in 1st grade. On Friday when I returned home from work was a bit sad. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that after school all the boys from his class (approx 15) were invited and after school went to this boy's birthday party. I shrugged it off and then got thinking. Was this a mistake...could the invitation got lost in the mail or was he not invited? Just a little surprised and not sure how to or if I should approach the mother of the birthday boy?

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Cynthia - posted on 02/27/2009

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only you know what type of person this mother is...approachable or not. So take your lead to either ask her outright if she is approachable if the invite was lost in the process explaining how your son felt. If she is the ultimate snob and your son was left out for some reason on purpose, call her bluff. go and choose a small present ($10 or less) and card with your son for the birthday boy and have him present it after school on the next school day saying he would have really liked to have come to your party and wanted to get the birthday boy a present anyway even if he didn`t get to go.



It turns a sour situation for your son into a situation he can feel like he did the right thing by being the better person and offering the olive branch. A confidence builder instead of a confidence shaker.



if it was an oversite you`ve pulled attention to it in a very kind way.

Ana - posted on 09/15/2013

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This is called social bulling to exclude one child in the classroom. In grade one children should not have to deal with this rejection. Research shows that it can have long term damage on a child's self-esteem. I would talk to the school staff to make sure your child is included in school. Some comments in this blog seems heartless, don't assume that a child learns anything when having an negative experience like this one. This is very painful for your son and he needs to know that you love him by validating his emotions. take care

Chrissy - posted on 02/28/2009

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I wouldn't appraoch her at all, It's too late to go to the party now so it won't help that situation out.  The only thing approaching her would do for you is to see if he was actually invited or not, and that would be for your benefit not your son's.  If it would help your son get to the party, that would be different. It's too late now for that outcome.  It's that mother's right to invite or not invite whoever she or her son wants.  As long as the invitations weren't handed out in class in front of your son then there is nothing you should do.  Just assume they were mailed and yours got lost.   

Lynn - posted on 02/28/2009

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U DON'T MAYBE HE WASENT INVITED'''MAYBE U NEED 2 ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HE WASENT INVITED N LET HIM NO THAT HE ISNT GOING 2 B INVITED 2 EVERYTHING..

Kelly - posted on 02/28/2009

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I think I would just handle it with my child, if it were to happen to us. I don't think it has to be done in a cruel way, but children do need to know that disappointments happen in life. I would just talk to my child about the fact that he was probably missed by accident, but I would use this as an example of why it is important to be so careful of others' feelings. Maybe not in the same conversation, but in a day or two, I would also use this as a time to gently explore whether my child was getting along well with the other kids his age. In other words, are the other boys normally nice to him and do they include him in their play? If this was the only instance of him being left out, then I would definitely assume and encourage him to believe it was just a mistake. But if he is having problems with the other children at school, then this situation has served as an attention getter, to some other problem. In that case, the teacher may be able to shed some light on what is going on. Unfortunately, things do happen that upset children, but they do tend to get over then quickly, if we handle it and then let it go. Just my thoughts.

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[deleted account]

I know this year my son is turning 14. We're having a Laser Tag party @ $22 per person. He can only invite 7-8 people, I'm sorry. I guess once they're older the expectation goes away that EVERYONE in the class will be invited because they are in various different classes in Middle School. I know that your son may be hurt now, and there's been some good advice here, but the overarching thing is that this is temporary and he probably won't remember it years from now. It does hurt when you feel like your child is excluded, though. However, if he was excluded on purpose, then there is nothing you can do or say that will change rude people's behavior, so just let it go. We never know how something feels until it happens to us - then we can either take revenge or we can vow not to be the type of person who hurts others. I would just tell him that I don't know what happened, perhaps his invite was lost, but there will be other parties and other years and much more fun to be had. Perhaps you and he can do something special together to make up for it a little bit.

Kara - posted on 02/28/2009

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I think Cynthia's idea with the gift is great.  Killing someone with kindness works.

Lori - posted on 02/28/2009

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I apologize for repeating anything that someone else has written, but, I am a firm believer in giving my own advice and then reading later. So, here goes ...



Your son voiced concern and that is, obviously, your first priority. In our school, all the children (or singular, just ALL the boys) have to be invited to the birthday parties, IF the invitations are given out at school. If our children see more than 1 person going to a party, they assume that all were invited. Perhaps if there is another Mom that you are close to, you could check with her. Depending on your relationship with the Mother of the Birthday child, you could go to her, but, from your post, it does not seem like you know her very well. Sometimes I believe that less is more, and you should address the issue with your son. If the opportunity arises in the near future, then I would address it with the Mother. Otherwise, just chalk it up to a lost invitation. Hope this helps!

Kim - posted on 02/28/2009

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I remeber this hapening to me. I was in 3rd grade. My mom did buy the child a gift and I gave it to her after school in front of her mother. Her mother didn't realize that I never got the invite. she felt so bad. By the end of it all everything was ok. The parents worked it out and we all still remain friends today.



Good Luck with what ever you deside to do. Keep us posted.

Theresa - posted on 02/28/2009

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I agree with Cynthia,



This will show your son how to handle a situation and not jumping to conclusions about things.

Deborah - posted on 02/28/2009

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its up to us to stick up for our kids, because no-one else out there will.

Deborah - posted on 02/28/2009

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Quoting Lynn:



U DON'T MAYBE HE WASENT INVITED'''MAYBE U NEED 2 ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HE WASENT INVITED N LET HIM NO THAT HE ISNT GOING 2 B INVITED 2 EVERYTHING..






OMG i cant believe this (insert word here) attitude, she is sooooo rude.



he may not be invited to everything, but as adults, we are supposed lead by example.



i think Lynn is trying to start an argument in this thread.



just remember this boy is in yr1 at school, he was hurt by this incident, and this "woman" wants to hurt him even more by destroying his self esteem and confidence by telling him he wasnt invited!



obviously not into raising her children with love and reassurance.

[deleted account]

That happened to us. It was awkward, but I talked to the birthday boy's mom, and she was very gracious and apologized profusely. She thought she had put an invitation in our school mailbox but had simply overlooked us. (She seemed very sincere.)

Anyway, I'd definitely talk to the other mom. No matter what happens, you'll feel better knowing you stuck up for your son - even if you feel a bit awkward in the process.

User - posted on 02/28/2009

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i would assume that the invite was mislaid, why dont u have a tea party for your child and invite selected few including the child who had the party. may be the parent just didnt realise how many invites she had written, dont take it personal, mistakes happen!

Dawn - posted on 02/28/2009

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hello michelle .if everyone went that day after school dont you think maybe the invertation had gone out before that day and maybe you son had forgot to take home the invite for you to reply .

Catherine - posted on 02/28/2009

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This happened to my son not to long ago.  He is in preschool with about 15 kids total in his class.  he was not invited to one of his best friends parties and everyone else was.  I was really upset.  I actually haven't spoken to this mom since.  Now I have not been rude either, I just go about my business if I see her, we also invited her son to our party for which he did not show.  We live in a small town and the other moms are either related or all grew up together and I am not part of that click.  We have not lived here our whole lives and they all have.  I loved the idea of buying a present for the little boy, I wish we had done that.  Good luck!

Sarah - posted on 02/28/2009

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I am actually very curious to see how this ends.  I remember feeling like that once or twice as a little kid and it would break my heart to know that my child felt like that.  Please let us know what happens.

Bobbi - posted on 02/28/2009

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Your best advice came from Cynthia! What a great way to handle the situation if your child is old enough to be okay with this. It's almost like a slap in the face to the other mother in our eyes but please don't give your child that impression. Like Cynthia said it really teaches to make a good situation out of a bad and BE OKAY with it. Hopefully this was a mistake... update us!

Deborah - posted on 02/28/2009

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i personally wouldn't attempt to talk to her. She is obviously not a nice person, and she is teaching her son bad social ettiquet too.



Dont stoop to her level, go one better, invite her son to your sons party, make a huge deal out of how awesome its going to be, so her boy REALLY wants to come, after all, in the eyes of little kids, birthday partys are ALL about the presents!!!

Larinda - posted on 02/28/2009

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Quoting Cynthia:

only you know what type of person this mother is...approachable or not. So take your lead to either ask her outright if she is approachable if the invite was lost in the process explaining how your son felt. If she is the ultimate snob and your son was left out for some reason on purpose, call her bluff. go and choose a small present ($10 or less) and card with your son for the birthday boy and have him present it after school on the next school day saying he would have really liked to have come to your party and wanted to get the birthday boy a present anyway even if he didn`t get to go.

It turns a sour situation for your son into a situation he can feel like he did the right thing by being the better person and offering the olive branch. A confidence builder instead of a confidence shaker.

if it was an oversite you`ve pulled attention to it in a very kind way.


This was so nice...I love this reply. Your thought process is very good and loving. Children need  to learn the right way to handle a sad situation. Way to go.

Diosa - posted on 02/28/2009

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i honestly wouldn't give her the time of day. if the invitation had been lost, your son would have mentioned that all the boys from class including himself were invited to this party, but like you said he was upset beacause he wasn't. i think it's sad and low for an adult to do something like that to a child.

Hanlie - posted on 02/27/2009

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Hi. Same happened to my son about 3 years ago! It is really bad for them but I think you must just assure him of your love and what we did was we invited that boy to his birthday even though we thought of doing the same to him. I realised that this was an adult issue more than between the kids. Not easy stuff huh? No reference guide to handle this emotional stuff either.

Rachel - posted on 02/27/2009

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let me know what happens - maybe you could ask if she has your contact details?

Joy - posted on 02/27/2009

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I agree with Stacey that it may have been mix up and his name may have not been on the list. I know that at my children's school they have a policy that if all the class doesn't get an invatation then noone does. So maybe his name was missed. I know that I can't aford everyone in my childrens class to come to a party so I get there address and mail it out to them. Just talk to her it could be a mixup. Good luck.

Stacey - posted on 02/27/2009

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I would talk to her if you feel comfortable and tell her how it hurt your son.

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