My son who just turned 18 in sept no longer wants to speak to me or see me.

Michelle - posted on 10/27/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )




after marrying at the young age of 16, having 2 children, my marriage ended due to feeling as if my husband (21 at marriage, 25 when we divorced) could not leave his mom to become a husband. Our whole 4 years of marriage we lived with his mom who truly controlled everything he did and when she couldn't control me, i became a problem and she began to drive a wedge between him and I, needless to say we divorced. I had custody of my children when they were younger. after their dad and I divorce i remarried where I (21) had my third son . My ex and I were on speaking terms and as i have always thought although our marriage didn't work, he was a great father. when my Oldest son was 7 years old. almost 8..... my current husband at that time had a transfer in his job where we ended up needing to move 600 miles away. My 7 year old had a hard time with the fact that we would be moving when i had custody, he was allowed to see them anytime he wanted and did basically daily when possible, the weirdest thing would be that my ex and my current husband became friends because of the children. After speaking to my ex several times about what we should do, we decided that I would sign over custody to him. (hardest thing I've ever done in my life, at that time,but at the time i thought i was doing the right thing due to the fact of being a girl raised by my father.) So now my ex has custody of our two children and I eventually was put on depression med and therapy to deal with the living situation. Still believing what i did was the RIGHT thing, my ex and I always communicated weekly about the boys and i visited them as much as I possibly could, i would even brag about how awesome i was that i could still get along with my ex and that anyone that was going through a divorce with children should attempt to become friends because of the children. however when it came to visitation with my children, i would always have to come down to Ala, my ex would never allow them to come visit me in NC because he would always say, you moved away they didn't, its your responsibility to come here, my husband said he thinks it was because my ex thought i wouldn't bring the boys back which made no sense because why would allow them to live with him, if i was just going to rip them back from him. i love my boys more than i could ever hate my ex to do that and i didn't hate my ex so i agreed to always come down, so after losing several jobs so i could go there, instead of fussing with him, id always think, its more important that the boys are happy. but i would always visit when work and finances would allow. As hard as it was on me, i was able to cope with believing my boys were happy and had a stable life. Up until last week..... My ex gave me a phone call and wanted to let me know that I was right???? After trying to shake the shock off.. he begins to tell me that I was right to leave him because he now sees that his Mother ended our marriage.. I asked him what made he realize this...oh i should stop and let you know.. still to this day, my ex lives and has always lived with his mother, with our children. but back to what i was saying.. he said, he recently starting dating (4mnths) and 1st girlfriend truly since our divorce.. his mother has started doing the same thing to her as she did to me. I told him there was no need to say he was sorry and that all i want was for us to continue on the way we have and enjoy our boys success in life.. i even said, how awesome it would be that him and his girlfriend and me and my husband since 1999, could watch our son walk across the stage at graduation. well this was on a Monday. I did my normal Friday call where i was unable to get through and i received a TEXT from my ex stating since the boys were now adults, 18 and 16.... it does not look good that i communicate with him and to protect his gf feelings he feels that i should no longer contact him about the boys but only speak to boys and that the boys now have cell phones, Trying to figure out what that was about, i would ask him what happen, was this woman the jealous type, or had i done something to cause this. He was still avoiding my phone call but did text and say, he would be blocking my phone calls and text and had nothing more to say to me that he was on his way to Ga with his gf, and that the boys were back home at Ala and should call the house to speak to them. So i called the house (the moms house) where my middle son picked up and we communicated and i expressed to them that it was important that they started to have their cell phones on and to make sure they responded when i text them so that I would know they were alright. Spoke to my oldest son who said that was not a problem and everything was fine. now keep this in mind this was Friday after the Monday phone call... Saturday I called my children again asking my oldest son if he had any news about a job he had applied for we had a long chat and we even spoke about the girl in his dads life. i asked did he like her and was she nice to them. he said, mom i dont like anyone but she makes dad happy so i am happy, I said i just want you to be happy, please if anyone is ever mean to you make sure your dad is aware dont think you cant tell anyone.. that was that and we continued to talk about our normal stuff.. Now here is where my world ends.... Monday i text my children received no response,,, Tuesday texted, called, texted the ex, tried to call the ex, still no response... wednesday, same thing....texted that morning wishing them a great day, called older son, left a voicemail to call me just wanted to get a update on his job and check on them.. 6pm my time/5pm their time.. still no reply so i called the house, where no answer, but i no more hand up where i see my middle son was calling me back. So I picked up and he was his happy cheerful normal self and we chatted and after asking him about his day, i asked if he had received my voicemails and texted messages and he said yes. i said could you please just make sure you respond just so i know your okay because if i cant get you guys i can no longer call your dad because he wont pick up.. My middle son said well mom we are adults now, just call us, i said son you are 16 you are not a adult, and if i cant get you, im going to call your dad to make sure your okay to thats why its important for you guys to respond.. But I understood where he was coming from. I asked to speak to My oldest son and she seemed worried about getting him on the phone i said is everything okay he said yeah, just hang on, then suddenly i hear "alright then fine" and the phone hangs up.. I called back thinking well maybe the cell phone disconnected. my middle son picks up and says. sorry mom i didnt know he was going to do that. I said does he not want to speak to me he said no he doesnt and I dont know why. so i decided screw this, im calling my ex.. i need to know what the hell is going on. I called him and to my surprise he picks up and i said i wont take anymore than 5 minutes of your time, explained to him what had just happen and he proceeded to tell me that. Our son was now 18 and he was no longer going to force or make him, speak to me or see me. I said what do you mean force... He goes he feels you abandon him and says he doesn't want to see you, i said what make him think this, what did i do that has caused this with in a matter of a week.. he said I've been forcing him to see you and talk to you for many years now, but he's a adult now and its his choice, I said but he has been talking to me since he was 18.. his bday, every week, Friday&, Saturday when you were in Ga, you didnt force him then.. thing just don't make sense. my ex said also when you come down for xmas, dont expect him to come, I was unable to even speak and for anyone that knows me knows that's almost impossible.. he said literally its been 5 minutes goodbye. I was hysterical and crying uncontrollable at this time. i've tried texting my son and voice mails since then. I told him, id always love him, I didn't abandon him, and I wasn't mad at him, his dad, or his bother. That id always be here for him and if he changes his mind i would love to hear from him. today has been a week since i've spoken to Him and I now regret ever allowing my ex to have custody of them. I can no longer change that, but i dont know if i can continue on living knowing that my child, my first born thinks i abandon him, when i truly thought i was doing the right now by them. the only way i ever made it through all these years was by saying, I love them so much that their happiness is more important than me wanting them here with me everyday, and they are happy. I am now thinking of writing my son a letter, but im afraid i will be rejected again. My middle sons feelings has not changed and he "says" he doesn't understand why my 18 year old is doing this but i don't know what to believe now... i feel like a fool and that maybe all these years my ex was telling my children bad things about me or maybe this new girl is causing issues... my husband said he always felt something like this would happen, that no ex can truly be friends with their ex and that he feels that my ex and his mom has "brainwashed" my children and I need to tell them to kiss my ass, something i can never do to my child, and find it hard to do to my ex, because i want to believe he would never do anything this evil even though he is being so mean to me right now... I mean he would even call me through out the years and ask me what as so wrong with him that girls would not date him, he called me for love advice... and id always tell him, its not you its your mom you've got to move out no girl wants to be with a man that still lives with husband would even talk to was the weirdest thing but i loved the fact that we all got along.. Would this new girl do all this? I've never spoken to her and didn't even know about her until last Monday. i was actually happy he was finally happy.. but now i feel like a gullible idiot.. I need help, i need some advice.. i literally dont know if i can drive down at xmas, pick up my middle son, and keep my composure when my oldest son does not come out to see me. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.


Rebekah - posted on 10/27/2012




I think a letter could be a good thing. Initially, you could at least write it just as an exercise for yourself (to explore and let out your feelings), and then decide later if you want to send it---edited or not.

Its hard to know exactly what is going on... there are several variables that may or may not be influencing things (the grandma? the girlfriend? the dad?), but bottom line, you need to hear from your son what is going on, not a version from someone else. If he has been bottling up resentment all this time, it can be dealt with if he chooses to. If the dad knew this years ago, its more than unfortunate that he didn't make you aware of it then, or even take him to a counselor to help him work with his perception of things. Divorce is tough, and kids have all kinds of ideas about it that are sometimes not even realistic (did I cause mom and dad to break up? Did mom/dad move out because they don't love me anymore? etc.). If he's now 18 and still hanging on to these feelings, and it comes as news to you, then its obvious that it just simply hasn't been dealt with.

But past is now past.... how to move forward? Keep opportunities for communication going as much as possible. I realize it is painful to get rejected, but if you don't extend yourself or reach out, then you might be confirming his perception of abandonment. It almost makes me think you have to prove him wrong. Keep being present. Keep expressing love and concern. Even if he doesn't respond all the time. Don't do it in an intrusive kind of way, but at a realistic pace. If he needs your attention or validation in a different way, then he needs to be the one to let you know what it is. A letter explaining to him what you wrote above, about how you wrestled to make the best decision, your history of being raised by your dad, going through therapy and meds because it was so hard for you, etc....all that, if you've never told him that, might widen his eyes as to your commitment to him to make a good decision. But keep in mind there's still the emotions of that young child in him from back when he was 7 that may not be as rational and wonders how mom could let him go. If he's feeling pain or anger, let him sort through it. Any chance he's reacting to something else right now---like a break up with a girlfriend, or something--that stirred it up and he's taking it out on you? Whatever, if the ex says this has been going on for years, then see if there's a way to deal with it now. Your son has to meet you halfway, though. Give him love, but also give him time to make his choices. Be kind to yourself, too.... we make the best decisions we can at the time with the information that we have. We can always do "shoulda woulda coulda," but that doesn't do anything but tear us down. Take care.

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