My sons bio dad wants to come back into his life...

Mixihe - posted on 01/22/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )




Ok, so I have now been married to my husband for over 3 years now. We got married when my oldest was 1 and since then, he has been an exceptional father to him. And to my sons eyes he is his only dad. My son is about to turn 4 and when I was pregnant his biological dad wanted nothing to do with me. He was in denial that my son was his and it wasn't until when my son started showing a strong resemblance to him that he started asking about him. He's been asking to see him for almost 2 years now and I want him to be involved in my sons life, but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. I'm scared it will confuse my son and my husband is terrified that he will lose his love and affection once he learns that he has another father. Any advice?


Hannah Faye - posted on 09/22/2015




Although I understand where these other women are coming from when they say that your husbands wants do not matter, they do to a degree with the fact that he has taken full responsibility of your child and your child knows him as his father and no one else. The fact that your husband has done the father figure role, and truly loves him and just because he's hasn't walked in a court room and signed adoptions papers, does not mean he isn't a father. And just because he isn't blood, doesn't mean he isn't his father. A father is neutering, responsible, tender, physically involved, mentally loving, and financially available, blood or no blood.
A real father knows his child's favorite color, favorite book, favorite bed times stories, the childs best friend, what makes the child hurt and cry and what makes the child happy and smile... A real father is there to watch them grow into young men, help them with their homework, help them ride their bike without training wheels, going and getting his haircut, clipping their sons nails and toenails, snuggling them after a rough day or when their sick, calling them weekly even if it's just for a minute, asking the mother how the child is doing and making sure the child is safe, respecting the mother, and most of all, feeling REAL love for the child.

I also have been in your position but it was after 6 years of no contact on the biological fathers part where as my husband non-legally adopted my son. My son only knows my husband as his dad and that's because my husband was there when my sons biological father was not.
I did though call the biolgical father (Max) once in a while asking if he wanted to talk to Aksel (my son) and he unfortunately did not make the time. Max had also relinquished his rights and even after that, I tried to involve him.

Now, here's the problem and the problem isn't you fault, it's your sons biological fathers fault, for it is his fault for not being there in the beginning when he should have. It is not your responsibility to to fix his mess ups. If he really was concerned for the child and genuinely wanted to be in his life, he would walk in the courtroom and make it happen. I know you are worried about confusion, but the best thing you can do to help prevent it is to have the child go to therapy,. Also, ask the judge to order reintegration therapy (it's a process where the missing parent comes back slowly and delicately into the Childs life). Ask for legal supervision during visits and do not allow over nights until you know your son is safe.
Do NOT allow an immediate relationship between them because it could cause your son immense confusion and pain. Keep in mind that your son has only been alive for a short period of time and is not mature enough to think like we can and process properly what has happened which is why you must think for him, as you know your son better than anyone else. Another reason why not to do it immediately is because you don't know your ex anymore, and your sons safety must be important. People change, and you need to get to know you sons biolgical father before allowing ANYTHING. Just because he's a biolgical father, does not mean he's safe to parent your child.

It is natural for you husband to be concerned, and it is a good thing because he is looking out for a child that he considers his own. Consider how he feels as well and what he would like to see as an outcome and you two work together. Keep in mind that everything you do with this case, is for your sons best interest and no one else's. It is for him and him alone and sometimes it's hard to keep focus while dealing with an ex partner and co-parenting.

I hope this helps. Please contact me if you need anymore help, for I specialize in custody cases and am a private investigator.

Jodi - posted on 01/22/2015




Your husband doesn't get a say in this. The child has a biological father whom you have been denying for 2 years. If he has records of the times he has attempted to contact and you have denied him, he could very well take you to court and claim parental alienation and you could lose custody altogether. I'm sure this isn't what you want. The biological father has rights, and you or your husband have no right to deny him those rights. Your feelings are not in consideration here. Your child has a right to a relationship with his biological father. Because you have been delaying it for 2 years it is going to make it more difficult for your child than having been honest with him in the first place. It would have been less confusing 2 years ago.

Raye - posted on 01/22/2015




You should go to court. Establish paternity. Get a visitation agreement in place.

Your son may be a little confused about his natural father at first no matter what his age, but I believe it's better for the child to know the truth early on. As far as your husband losing your child's love.... parents can love more than one child and can love step/adopted children as if they were born to them, so can children love more than one parent/step-parent/adoptive parent. If you wait too long to tell your son the truth, he may feel betrayed by you and your husband. As he gets older, you increase the risk of him pulling away from the "imposter" that was pretending to be his father.


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~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/22/2015




**MoD WaRnInG**

Please be courtious of our NO THUMPS policy, by eliminating personal e mail addresses with your job description. While this site is geared towards people giving and receiving advice, it is out of the goodness of our hearts and experience, but not for personal gain. Wonderful advice was given on this thread, but if these objectives are NOT edited from posts, I will have to delete the ENTIRE post from the offending individuals.

Thank you,

~WtCoM MoD LiTtLe MiSs~

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/22/2015




Get paternity established, and explain to your current spouse that what HE wants is not the issue here. He doesn't GET to have a say in this.

Your son's biological father does have a right to know him, and be a parent to him. If he decides to pursue legal custody, and you are denying him access to his child, you could be seen as causing parental alienation.

Michelle - posted on 01/22/2015




Like the other ladies have said, your husband DOESN'T get a say in this at all. It is between you, your son and his Father.
Your son's Father has as much right to a relationship with his child as you do, YOU are causing parental alienation and if he takes you to court then you could end up worse off. You need to go to court and get visitation established ASAP.
I have remarried and my boys (now 13 11) always say they love my husband. I do 50/50 shared care with their Father so he is in the picture. There's nothing wrong with children having loving role models in their life!

Dove - posted on 01/22/2015




For the record... to help put your husband's fear at ease... my stepsister is adopted, so she has THREE dads... bio dad, adopted dad, and stepdad (my dad). She loves and has a relationship w/ all 3 of them. You can't go wrong w/ MORE love for a child.

Dove - posted on 01/22/2015




It's not your husband's call. This is your child's father you are talking about and if he's been asking for 2 years you are VERY lucky that he hasn't taken you to court over it... as what you are doing to your child is legally called parental alienation and could potentially cause you to lose custody.

I get it. Your ex sucks. He was in denial and wasn't ready to accept the truth and now you are angry at him over it. Perfectly understandable feelings... BUT your son has a right to a relationship w/ his father. Period.

I recommend you talk to your ex and let him know that you want your son to get to know him... but seeing as how it's been so long you want to take it slow. Perhaps set up a meeting w/ a mediator to work out how you will both approach this w/ your son and get visitations (supervised, at first) set up.

Mixihe - posted on 01/22/2015




I discussed this with my husband the other night, but I don't know how to convince him that the right thing to do is to let him be involved in our sons life. He insists on waiting but I don't want my son to resent me later for not telling him now.

Ev - posted on 01/22/2015




You have held out for two years? Why? I understand your concerns and you are very lucky that the bio father did not press the matter in court to prove paternity and gain visitation nor put it on you that you with held his child from him (parental alienation).

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