My sons father is so stubborn!!!!

Lindsay - posted on 01/23/2016 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Ok so I will make this as brief as possible. I was with my sons father for a little over 6 months when I found out I was pregnant. I felt although I wasn't ready, at 28 I should of been well aware of the consequences in not having protected sex. Well he at 31 didn't care he said get an abortion as he has 3 year old twins at the time and was not ready for more nor wanting the responsibility. He said if you don't I will leave in which he sure did.. As a matter of fact he left and a month and half later met a crazy Psycho gf who had three of her own kids and thinks it's perfectly fine he hasn't seen his child (my son is almost 10 mos old). When I took him to court and paternity was proven, he kept asking about visitation. As I saw it and still see it because he has yet to serve me; is he is only saying that to look good and plus because he has to pay me. He only had to pay $52 a month though because he doesn't make sufficient amount and he had two other children to pay for. Since the last court date and me explaining he could only see his son supervised, he had only paid me $40 and is in arrears . He also made his ex delete me off social media (the mother to his twins) and told her to not associate with me. He is being friendly with her for the kids and has been there for those children, but refuses to be friendly or co parent with me; yet is being super spiteful.. Can someone please explain or simplify the situation as to why he is doing this if he is the one who walked out on me and has yet to see or acknowledge his son!

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Jodi - posted on 01/23/2016

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Well, perhaps you need to get a custody and visitation agreement sorted out legally. As it stands, he could take you to court and argue that you are preventing him from seeing his son. I can actually understand why he wouldn't want you as the supervising person - your relationship together isn't great, he may feel uncomfortable. Have you got another alternative you could offer that may be acceptable to him?

If he won't instigate the agreement, maybe you could. Then, if he refuses to see the child because he doesn't like the agreement decided by the court, then that's his problem. But ultimately, it really isn't up to you to decide and dictate teh terms.

I would strongly advise you get legal advise on this issue, because going about this in the wrong way CAN result in loss of custody (it happens - we've seen people here doing exactly as you are doing lose custody).

Jodi - posted on 01/23/2016

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"I have not bothered with him in over 2 months and he has not attempted with me as well."

Why would he bother if you keep rejecting him? He's probably given up.

"The reason why visitation was never done because that is his part."

Actually, you are both responsible for setting that up through the courts. Not just him.

"I want him to see his son but he needs to see him supervised as my son is still an infant and he needs guidance in that aspect."

How is he going to learn to be a parent if you don't let him? I'm sure YOU didn't need total supervision to become a parent to him. This is still dictating to him the terms of the visitation and making it a situation of "my way or the highway". Let him have a few hours with the child alone. He should be able to take him out away from you for a bit so he can establish his relationship with his child.

"Ps I didn't mention he just got over seeing his twins for over a year supervised through the courts."

Supervised....through the courts. You haven't done that. You are dictating the terms. If you want supervised visitation, then file through the courts. THEN the terms are dictated by the courts. If he then chooses not to avail of his visitation, well, that's then his problem. As long as YOU aren't the one denying him.

Michelle - posted on 01/23/2016

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I agree with the others, you are being stubborn as well.
If you have been to court a few times, why hasn't visitation been established yet? That's one of the main things to be done in court.
If you keep him from seeing his child, when you do get to court to discuss visitation, he can accuse you of parental alienation. It's very real and you could lose custody completely. You can't dictate the terms of his visitation, only the courts can. Until you have it all written down, you have to let him see his child.
Jodi is right, you BOTH have to co operate and neither of you are at the moment. You have 18+ years of this so it's best to learn now.
Most of us have been there done that and are talking from experience. We are giving you the proper advice so please read what we have written and take it on board. We are only trying to help you and your child.

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Coni - posted on 01/26/2016

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I have a problem when any parent seems to believe that they are part of some "package" deal when it comes to the relationship that your child has with their other biological parent. You are not necessary in the equation. I understand that that might upset you.......but it's a fact. He doesn't want to be with you, talk to you or have anything to do with you. If you had said that his other ex and he have similar issues, I might have been able to see this as some sort of pattern of his, but by your own admission they have a good relationship and he visits those kids regularly. You refer to his new gf as a "psycho" and talk about how you friended his other ex on social media. That's a bit weird and a red flag for me. You are coming off as very controlling and intrusive with your behavior and that is probably why he is treating you differently and hasn't come to see his son. For the sake of your CHILD, I urge you to step back and allow your child to build a relationship with it's father WITHOUT you in the middle of it. There is no reason you have stated that he needs to be supervised during visits. He has tried to have access to the child and you have refused. Whether you want to hear it or not, you are the problem.

Michelle - posted on 01/23/2016

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It's not just up to him to file for visitation. You can do that as well.
You don't have to wait for him to do anything. Just because he has said those things not doesn't mean that he won't change his mind. He could take you to court in 5 years time and say that you had denied him from seeing his son. Get it sorted now, that's what we are saying.

Lindsay - posted on 01/23/2016

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The reason why visitation was never done because that is his part. I went to establish paternity in order to get child support because he would not pay for my son. Visitation and child support 2 different courts. The judge clearly told him not once not twice but 3x you now have rights to serve her for visitation. He didn't even want to give me his email. When he did he said don't bother me for nothing else but money. Sooooo the moral of what I'm saying is I'm far from being stubborn I want him to see his son but he needs to see him supervised as my son is still an infant and he needs guidance in that aspect... Ps I didn't mention he just got over seeing his twins for over a year supervised through the courts.. Yes I know all want to give him the benefit of the doubt in which I wanted to do when I started dating him.. This is where I'm at fault, but if he is not willing to compromise when we go to court next if he doesn't pay, then he will bring up visitation again. I don't know if he is just saying this or if he really wants to see my son.. He has NEVER made an attempt on his own!

Michelle - posted on 01/23/2016

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We have no idea what he will do now or in the future.
All you need to do is go to court and get visitation established. That way if he wants to be in his son's life it's his choice.
You can't make someone be a parents so put aside your feelings for him and do the best by your son.

Lindsay - posted on 01/23/2016

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Do you think he is ever truly going to come around. I have not bothered with him in over 2 months and he has not attempted with me as well.. Do you think he will eventually come around for his son? I know he loves his other kids but he can have a right not to really care for my son too and that's what I think it may be

Jodi - posted on 01/23/2016

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He has a right to say he doesn't want to be around you. You need to be more flexible compromising on this one. Noone is throwing it all in you face and saying you are the one in the wrong, simply saying you need to learn to also compromise. Things are not going to go all your way for the next 18 years (yes, you have 18 years of this), and learning to compromise is part of co-parenting. At the moment NEITHER of you are being particularly cooperative. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you are all right and he is all wrong. I am offering suggestions about the way you "could" compromise on this situation so that it "could" work for both of you.

However I will say these things:
1. Your child isn't a commodity. While he is required to pay child support, this actually has nothing to do with how much you are "willing" to allow him time with the child. It's irrelevant. He should still have access to his child even if he doesn't pay.
2. He shouldn't have to have you as the supervisor if he doesn't feel comfortable with that - find an alternative you can both work with.
3. 18 years is a long time. If you want him to be more flexible and less stubborn, you are going to have to give a bit too.
4. This isn't about what HE deserves. This is actually about the fact that your child has a right to a relationship with both of his parents.

Stop looking at it about whose fault anything is and just work for the best interests of the child's relationship with both parents, not what you want because you think he is an asshole who doesn't deserve anything.

Set up court ordered custody and visitation and BOTH of you need to stop being so stubborn.

Lindsay - posted on 01/23/2016

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Listen you're absolutely right but o didn't pick up and leave from my child. People seem to have thrown this in my face and say I'm doing something wrong, but as we have went to court several times he has mentioned relinquishing rights... And then when he was told he could not do so he now wants to see him?!?! This is not a man here who deserves anything.. If he is willing to be civil with his other ex why not try and work to be civil with me??? He doesn't want to and this to me is more his fault not mine

Lindsay - posted on 01/23/2016

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To be honest I had to move home with my family again and he doesn't want to come to my home or be anywhere around me. I've had words with his girlfriend who as a mother I feel should not prying into our business along with telling me no wonder why he doesn't want to be around "that kid of yours" but they are both taking it out on me and not thinking about my son. I would totally let unsupervised if he was willing to compromise but he plain and simple is being stubborn and now refuses to meet him or pay.

Dove - posted on 01/23/2016

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You need to go to court and get custody and visitation legally established. He has every right to see his son w/out you present (unless you have solid, documented evidence that he is a danger to his child). If you have a visitation order and he STILL does not see the child... then it is on him, but until that point you are both to blame for the situation and the only one to truly suffer is the child. He's not a pawn for money. He's an innocent little boy who deserves every chance possible to know both of his parents.

Jodi - posted on 01/23/2016

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And yes, I'd give unsupervised time in my home. Eg......come to my home and visit with the child for a few hours - I'll go shopping to let you have time alone. That may be an option he would be open to. Just remember, you also need to promise and agree to a longer term PLAN that it could build up to overnights and even 50/50. You can't just say, well you can have access only if I'm here, and leave it at that. He is entitled to unsupervised visitation unless he is a proven danger to the child.

Can I ask....have you banned the new girlfriend from also being part of that visitation? That might have something to do with it.

Lindsay - posted on 01/23/2016

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Hi Jodi,
I have no trust as he had not proven for me to trust him. He picked up and left and told me he doesn't want my son. Had forwarded my son several times especially when he was first born and I reached out to him.. You would let him see him unsupervised after all the disregarding and it it weren't for me taking him to court he would of never acknowledged him. It's not really me being stubborn but think about it my son is of an age where he knows people around him. His father is a complete stranger and doesn't know what my son is like. Until he feels comfortable I don't want unsupervised and I think most would agree.

Jodi - posted on 01/23/2016

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Why must he have supervised access? The only reason he is yet to acknowledge or see his son is because you are ALSO being stubborn and refusing to allow him access without your supervision. The way I see it neither of you are co-parenting, not just him,

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