My step daughter

Brandi - posted on 08/12/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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We are not married but have been together for two years. His two daughters do not live in the same state they're only here three months in the summer. Their ages are 7 and 2. The seven year old has become unbearable in her actions. I know where it stems from and she and I alone are great he's around and she is almost inappropriate and very jealous causing several fights between us. I've played the bigger person ignoring it but her actions only get bigger demanding attention. She acts more like a 25 year old jealous girl then a child. It's severe. I literally for three months live with a jealous girlfriend in the house. It's bad. It's tearing us apart. He refuses counseling and dismisses it as her mourning their parents breakup three years ago. I believe it's only going to get worse because it has. I cannot live like this three months out of the year. She literally just left and he and I are back to wonderful. In saying that I do not hate her I love her I cannot stand what she does. He does not like to show affection in front of her as she freaks out. I believe all children should see a loving affectionate parental relationship. He was not like this last summer he's caving more to her demands. She needs counseling bad. She's been caught steeling, purposely hitting her own head, and threw herself in deep water because he touched me. It's so serious and he does not see all of it. He does get on her every time he sees it but a lot he does not. Ugh caught between a jealous kid and love of my life!! And I've been pushed to so closely walking away. Help

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Raye - posted on 08/12/2015

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Brandi, also, this is a public forum where you are asking complete strangers their opinions, and there are many different personality types on here. Responses are based on each person's interpretation and past experience. It is difficult to give answers sometimes because we only get part of the story. I have been around long enough to have a good feel for Shawnn, and she is kind of like the Simon Cowell of the mom forum... very blunt, but usually says what others are really thinking. Nice responses are great and all, but some people need a kick in the pants to get them thinking. Even if you don't agree with some responses you get, it can sometimes help you sort out the answer in your own head.

My first time asking advice here I got a kick in the pants (not from Shawnn), and I was upset. But after thinking about it, it prompted me to make a change in a way I hadn't thought of previously, and I feel I'm a lot better for it. Try to keep an open mind.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/12/2015

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Raye, that was very nicely stated! Love the Simon Crowell reference...Yep, I think I may be his female counterpart...LOL

You are so sweet! :-)

Raye - posted on 08/12/2015

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Brandi, the father seems like he is over-compensating trying to appease the daughter, when she really does need structure and boundaries. I agree that he should be able to display affection to you without the daughter pitching a fit, but it is a very difficult situation for young kids to grasp. You are still the girlfriend (not the step mom). I am a step-mom, so believe me I'm not saying that to be mean... I've been the girlfriend and know just how difficult it is to balance on that tightrope. You do need to "be the bigger person", and the father does too. He needs to get into counseling, and have his daughter join when she's staying with him, to overcome the jealousy on the girl's part and the guilt on the dad's part.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/12/2015

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You know, Brandi, we can ONLY respond to what is put up. Not ONE of us is a damned mind reader, and TBH, you come across as a jealous girlfriend who has no clue about being in a relationship with a man who has children from a prior relationship.

What did you expect? Sunshine and roses? The kid and her father need to be in counseling. There's a timeline here that doesn't really work out. After all, all you TELL us is the kid's ages, and how long you've been together, well...that indicates that there was a VERY short (if not non-existent) time frame between their split and you starting up. Another statement is "I've played the bigger person". My dear, YOU are the ADULT in the situation, and you're fighting with a SEVEN YEAR OLD. That's not 'playing the bigger person', that's engaging at the emotional level of a SEVEN YEAR OLD.

"Did you do the math"???You didn't give us any math to do. The kids are 7 & 2, and you've been 'with' their father for 2 years. That math tells me that the relationship developed too quickly after his split. If you feel that you have to defend your relationship and timelines may indicate that you realize that there was a VERY short time period there.

If you're all such great friends, then this should be no problem to sit down together, as adults, and discuss the situation and possible solutions. If neither parent is willing to do so, then there's your answer, sweetie, and it means you may want to move on.

Brandi - posted on 08/12/2015

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I guess I was not descriptive enough because I came to this blog for help not to be accused of the being the other woman. Did you do the math? They've been split three years in another state. I did not meet him until he moved to my state and the fact I'm defending that instead of receiving advice means your on here for the wrong reason.

As far as the suggestions you had I've already done as I stated. I watch his girls all day when he gets home I back off and or leave. They are his priority not me I'm not ignorant to this. I am a mother also we are blending three. I spend time with mine as he gets time with her and yet her behavior increases. All we have tried has made it worse. As far as his ex we are friends she stays with us when here and we stay with her when there. Although it is not my place to go over his head and speak to her of these things. That needs to be him and she is displaying behavior that is screaming for help. I worry about her emotional and mental health at this point and he refuses counseling. That is what's bringing us to a breaking point. We need to show a united front of love to her and I'm stuck in a place where she is not my daughter but I am help raise her and see the major issues. Many people surrounding us here see it. So advice on that topic not attacks are welcomed.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/12/2015

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She's 7. She was 5 when her parents split, and if you've been 'with' her father for 2 years, you were either around prior to the split, in which case, expect her to blame you for that, or the rebound directly after the split, but she may still see you as the mitigating factor.

SHE ONLY SEES HER FATHER 3 MONTHS OUT OF 12. You cannot expect her to act fully mature during those three months, because SHE'S 7 YEARS OLD. A confused little girl who has to not only handle the fact that she doesn't see her father for 3/4 of the year, and then when she DOES, this woman, who is NOT her mother, and NOT her step mother thinks that she needs to hover constantly. Of course the child is going to be possessive of her daddy, it's the ONLY time she sees him during the year.

During those months, his responsibility is TO HIS CHILDREN. He needs to meet their every physical and emotional need, and if that includes no PDA to you, YOU need to adjust. You're the girlfriend, my dear, and you aren't permanent at this point. The children don't need their hearts broken again.

I don't agree with his refusal to have his daughters in counseling, as that will help them adjust to their ever changing situation, and will help them also develop coping mechanisms for when they get stressed due to that situation, but you also may need to understand that YOU are not the priority.

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