My Step Daughter is driving me crazy!

Rebecca - posted on 08/30/2016 ( 23 moms have responded )

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At 24 I became a step mom of two children. I had no children of my own. My now fiancé and I have child together who was born premature. Now at the age of 27, I feel overwhelmed! My step children are driving me crazy! Their mother is beyond crazy, she has a total of four kids, three out of the four have different dads. A little background on my step kids, my step son just turned 9 and I do t have a problem with him, my step daughter whom is not my fiancée biological daughter just turned 11 and I feel is just so unappreciative of her "dad" my fiancé.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/31/2016

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1) you are not a step mother. You are a girlfriend. Once you are MARRIED, you will be a step mother.

2) having been raised amongst Mexicans, I haven't seen the automatic assumption that one becomes a step parent by virtue of dating someone who has kids. Most women that I know, myself included do consider themselves a mother figure, but it's mainly as a positive adult influence.

3) your boyfriend is a very upstanding, honorable man to take on the responsibility of raising a child that he did not biologically produce. Has this relationship been legalized with a court order of adoption? That protects both him and her.

4) if you already resent this child for her lack of a biological connection, and simply wish she would just disappear, your relationship is doomed. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is. He has stepped up to this responsibility. If you cannot accept that, he deserves someone who WILL accept that, and who will be a loving parental figure to his kids.

5) no one has been negative towards you. Truthful, yes. Blunt, yes. Negative? Not at all

Sarah - posted on 08/31/2016

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Not negative...I completely disagree. What I don't get is why he allow his mane to be on her BC if he is not her father. You do know that if he dies or becomes disabled the child that is not actually his will take from what is rightfully his own offspring. Gallant? Sure. Smart? Legal? Not even close. Lineage, is important! Knowing whom your father is, and his father, and his father's father etc. matters. if he wanted to parent, fine, but to have him names as her father when he is actually not her father is legal and fraudulent! The day the test came back his name should have been removed from her BC and either the real dad or the word "unknown" put on the document. This is not an emotional choice, there is no gray area. If he is not her father he has no business parenting her unless he formally adopted her. Why is that so hard to see?

Dove - posted on 08/31/2016

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Without a paternity test being done... no one knows for sure that he is not the father. One SHOULD have been done (or get done now), but if this man has 100% accepted this girl as his daughter then it is up to him and the mother to keep the situation as is or decide to change it (assuming the paternity test would come out negative... which neither you or the father can guarantee).

As for the child and her behavior... she is 11. Preteen girls can be pretty difficult under GOOD circumstances. Add to that the situation of her parents being split and it doesn't sound like the relationships are the most stable... and her 'stepmom' doesn't want anything to do w/ her... and her behavior is perfectly understandable (not acceptable, but certainly understandable).

If you are no longer willing to accept this child in your life 100%... it is time for you to leave her father and figure out your own co-parenting scenario w/ your own child. It is not fair to a child to have to be 'parented' by a woman who wants her to go away... that is likely to exasperate any other situations that may be going on w/ her.

If you are going to accept and love her as you would your own child... sit down w/ her father and talk about the negative behaviors and the best way to handle them (as you would do if your bio child were exhibiting same behaviors).

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2016

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"My fiancés name is on the birth certificate he has authority to make such decisions Honestly I just wish the girl would stop coming around yes it is beyond complicated"

Then by law, he is the parent. He could get a paternity test to confirm this, but that is up to him and the mother. He has taken responsibility that MANY men would walk away from. You should be proud of this man. It says a LOT about his character as a man and a father.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2016

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Actually Rebecca, I AM married to a Mexican man and very active throughout his large family. In no way shape or form do they adhere to the "boyfriend/girlfriend" automatically being a step parent. Actually, if a women/man started dating a relative that has kids and assumed that role, people would be very VERY pissed off wondering where they had the nerve to act like that. It would not be accepted. Unless you legally marry, you are the girlfriend. As Sarah pointed out, you do not have any legal rights over medical care or anything else for that matter. AND it is clear you do not like him being a father when he isn't the father.
So, you have a choice to make. Be the girlfriend and not a parental figure at all, or act like an adult living with children. You both need to sit down and discuss what this means and what type of role you want to play. You cannot choose one kid over the other, you have to treat them both the same. If you are not ready to do that, it will not change if and when you get married. You will still harbor resentment for his decision for stepping up as a man and a father.
If he is not the father, that is between him and the mother. You may not like it, but that is the truth. It is complicated, but you have no say in the matter. He is an adult and needs to take the action he wants. BUT you are also an adult, and do not need to play mommy to anyone you don't want to.....that usually means ending the relationship.
Once again, do not get mad and pissy for me saying this, you are not a stepmother. Period.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2016

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Sooo, to follow up my last statement, if you want to be a step mom to this girl when you get married, you are going to have to see her as his daughter. He has been her father since before she was born as far as he is concerned. As I mentioned before, you both need to sit down and discuss your roles.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2016

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Ok, hold on here. I have to disagree. You are not the step mom. Sorry if that hurts your feelings, but it is the truth. It even pushing you further from being the step mom when paternity has declared he is not the father to this girl. He has stepped up as the father, and I think that is beyond noble. He sees this girl as his daughter. When we are in the day and age where some fathers DON'T take care of their bio children, here is this man being a father to a girl that is not his.
Legally, I have no idea where this all stands. He would need to discuss this with a lawyer considering some states have different laws about this kind of situation
If you are upset by this Rebecca, you really need to speak to your boyfriend. We are not mom against mom here, but most of us don't sugar coat things. We try to be objective and honest.

Dove - posted on 08/31/2016

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You mentioned nothing about a paternity test prior to your most recent comment.

In that case ignore most of my first paragraph and focus on the other 3 paragraphs that I wrote in regards to your situation.

Jodi - posted on 08/31/2016

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To be fair, Rebecca, you never bothered to mention that a paternity test HAD been done, so the posts about that were quite valid.

I agree with everything in Dove's post. She's 11. 11 year old girls can be really moody and unappreciative. You need to set boundaries and expectations (or at least, dad does) and stick to them. Make sure there are clear con sequences for choices, and make sure her options are also quite clear to her. It won't get easier if you guys don't start setting boundaries now.

Rebecca - posted on 08/31/2016

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As stated before she is not his biological daughter a paternity test proved so when she was three months old. You women and your negativity.

Rebecca - posted on 08/31/2016

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I thought this was circle of moms not moms against step moms or moms against other moms.

Sarah - posted on 08/31/2016

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For benefit of a proper medical history at the very least; a DNA test should be done to confirm paternity. If, at birth this woman knowingly falsified the birth document, she committed fraud. Wouldn't just be better to know for sure one way or the other?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2016

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Oh and WHY do you assume he is not the father? Has there been a paternity test?

Rebecca - posted on 08/31/2016

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My fiancés name is on the birth certificate he has authority to make such decisions Honestly I just wish the girl would stop coming around yes it is beyond complicated, I feel like a baby sitter and used for financial gain, my fiancé pays child support for her and that has always been a problem with me despite other things.

Rebecca - posted on 08/31/2016

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I'm not here for you to tell me what the definition of step mom is. That is what my fiancés children refer to me as and that's what I am. Anyways yes my step daughter is rebellious at times, disrespectful towards me and acts very snobby like she's better then everybody. She makes me uncomfortable in my house sometimes, my own house. And yes I admit it bothers me that he still decided to be her legal father when he's not her biological dad.

Sarah - posted on 08/31/2016

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I must have typed a reply and not posted it earlier. While I find i admirable that he was willing to parent her. Did he adopt her legally? Was the other man stripped of or surrendered his rights to her? Unless your current husband has legally adopted this child, neither of you has any authority to make legal decisions for her. You cannot consent for medical treatment, enroll her in school etc. If he has been living as her "legal father" but has not actually adopted her you are treading into some very sticky legal areas. This child should have the other man listed on her BC, as proper lineage is important for a kid to know. If your hubby is listed but is not really her bio-dad, then this needs to get amended. As she grows up it will only become more complicated. If either man were to pass or become disabled, and the wrong man is listed on her birth certificate she would be denied benefits and rights of inheritance.

Sarah - posted on 08/31/2016

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This is a duplicate thread:
When I inquired about him parenting a child that was not his here is the response:
"When he was 18 he was involved with a girl who became pregnant, she claimed he was the father but when my step daughter was 3 months people started questioning if she was his. Well his girlfriend at the time claimed he wasn't the father. So my fiancé at the time mentioned to his girlfriend at the time, that if the biological father did not step up that he would be her father figure. Well that's what happened, and two years later they decided to have one of their own. Anyways when they separated he decided to be her legal father since he had raised her."
Now I am going to close the other thread and we can build on this one

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2016

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"In Hispanic Culture you automatically assume the step mom role when your with a man who has children from a previous relationship"

Just curious, which Hispanic culture are you referring to?

Ev - posted on 08/31/2016

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Despite the fact you have acted as a mother figure to the kids and cared for them, you are not legally their step mother. And the child that is not his biological child is not your step child period. There is no relation of him to her other than having at one point being her step dad. But still what is the problem?

Rebecca - posted on 08/31/2016

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In Hispanic Culture you automatically assume the step mom role when your with a man who has children from a previous relationship. Mind you their mother can't even provide the necessities for her children aka a damn bed. So yes I have played the mommy role when their own mother has failed to do so!

Ev - posted on 08/30/2016

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First, that "step daughter" is not your step daughter nor his child since she is not a bio kid of his.
Second, what is the problem with the girl?
Lastly, you are not a step mom of the kids...just a fiance.

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