My step kids are affecting my kids and my marriage

Bonnie - posted on 02/20/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I married at 17. My husband had 2 small children. I dealt with the ex for several years screaming, cursing at me, attacking me physically, while raising her children since babies. And also having 2 children with my husband (who are close to the same age) . Been married for almost 14 years. And been stressed for many years. I love my family. I have loved and cared for his children this entire time . The mother had the kids every other weekend for the past 14 years and wasn't super involved in their lives. I taught them everything they know and took them to every appointment and have been there for them this entire time while raising my own children. I feel like it has always been a struggle . I feel very stressed amd fight with my husband because I don't feel like he is always on my side when it comes to misbehaving. Most of our problems are my step kids . I feel like I set my own kids needs aside a lot to make sure they get to do everything they want and I feel depressed and bad for my own kids. My step kids are mouthy and disrespectful to me and my husband and the oldest (who is now 17) has been making up lies about us to get attention from her mother. I raised them as my own and they have turned on me because their mother decided to become more involved and ii feel like it has been very bad for them. I can tell it has affected my own kids also. I just don't know what to do. I feel like my only option is to divorce my husband or move into my own place and still be married. I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to be around them.

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Earnestawalker - posted on 02/23/2016

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Sometimes you just have to let go and put things in god hands, only do what and give them what they need in life everything else is a privilege. besides never neglect your own kids for somebody else's especially if they are unappreciative. Good luck and your husband need to step up and let then know it's wrong if they continue they can stay at home with their jealous mother and you can just drop off their needs to them

Katrice - posted on 02/22/2016

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I know exactly how you feel. I have thought about leaving several times. I am also in a position of being stressed and uncomfortable in my own home. My SD16 is constantly putting a wedge between the kids trying to make my husband choose between her and our 9 year old and me. We did go to counseling and it helped but the minute we stopped my husband started falling back for it. I also dread being around her at least hearing that someone else has these feelings I don't feel so bad for having them. Most of our problems are his kids as well.

MaryAnn - posted on 02/20/2016

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If SD17 and her mother are so right, why doesnt she just live there. Your sks are soooo close to adulthood, and if you've done the best you think they could, let go a little and trust you have done well.
You need to remember this. That IS their mother, and even though she may not have been a mother up to your expectations of that role, she hasn't been entirely absent. The kids know her, and know who she is. Until they are 18 (or whatever the age of majority is where you live), she has the right to make important decisions regarding their upbringing.
That being said, should she live in your home, she should abide by whatever standard you would have for any other adult in your home. Beyond that, there is absolutely no shame in stepping back a little if the things you do are interfering with your marriage and your ability to parent your pther children.

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Bonnie - posted on 02/21/2016

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Thanks again Maryann . I will just keep telling them that . Hopefully it gets better.

MaryAnn - posted on 02/21/2016

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Again. Dont worry about her. If thr kids bring it up, let them know that you are an authority figure in your home, and you dont badmouth in your home. I dont care what mom says, she is NOT an authority in my home, and if you want moms rules, you go to moms house.

Bonnie - posted on 02/20/2016

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Thanks Maryann. I am glad that she wants to be more involved . I guess I should've mentioned that She bad mouths us to the kids and tells them they don't have to follow our rules. It makes it difficult for us and the kids so I hope one day they will see what we've done for them. And that we were always there. We gave them the choice to live here or there and we went to court recently and now we have them half of the week and she has them the other half . I just thought things would be better but it's harder now.

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