my step kids call me mom and there grandparents tell them im not

Criston - posted on 02/22/2016 ( 13 moms have responded )

4

0

1

my step kids call me mom they are 4 years and 5 years old i love that they call me mom but there birth mothers parents get visits with them every other weekend we have full custody the biological mother isnt in the picture she is incarcerated but they tell my step kids that i am not there mother ! and i can tell it hurts them and i always tell them that if thats what they want to call me then thats fine because my daughter calls me momma (of course) and i upset me when they tell me those things because they always call me mom no matter what i have been there for them please help?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 02/22/2016

3,562

36

3907

I guess I'm trying to distinguish between the fact that they call you mum, versus you actually being their mum. Is it really so bad if they know you aren't their mum? Don't you let them know that too - that you aren't actually their mum, but your are the mum that looks after them right now? How long is their real mum in jail for? Maybe the grandparents are just conscious of the fact that their daughter will be out one day and still want to be recognised as mum. Are they telling the kids not to call you mum? Or just telling them that you aren't their mum? Because those two things are different.

Raye - posted on 02/22/2016

3,761

0

21

Just tell the grandparents to stop getting so hung up over a word. You haven't lied to the kids to make them think you're their only mom. They have two moms. And it is hurting the kids for the GP to make such a big deal about it. The grandparents should relax and be grateful that the kids are so well cared for.

Ev - posted on 02/22/2016

7,952

7

918

It really is up to the kids who they call certain names. How long have you been in the lives of these kids? If you have been there since they were so young and do not know much better and do not see anything of their bio mom, of course they would call you that unless they are following what your own child calls you. Do you and their dad tell them about their mom at all? Do they have pictures of her around so they know what she looks like? Have they ever seen her? Her parents do not have the right to tell them negative things about you but they are right in that you are not their bio mom. But they do not need to be telling young kids this. Discuss this with dad and see if he can at least address this issue with bio mom's parents.

13 Comments

View replies by

Sarah - posted on 02/23/2016

9,473

0

22

If your husband is ok with you kids calling you mom, then he need to tel his parents to butt out. When their bio-mom does come back into their lives, they can call her mommy, ma, mamma or whatever. It is just a title, it isn't like they are denying her existence.

[deleted account]

No offense, but that sounds like it's more about you making it about your feelings rather than what's best for the child. As a parent, I get it. I would never want my kid to call another person mom. But if that were to ever happen, I hope I would understand that it's not about me...it's about the child and how they feel. A kid can never have too many people who love them and it shouldn't be a competition or an issue of egos.

Jodi - posted on 02/23/2016

3,562

36

3907

So if it is the grandparents telling the kids they can't CALL you mum, your husband needs to have a conversation with them about the fact that it should be the childrens' choice. However, if this is the mother's wishes, and she is likely to come back into their lives, then she has a right to express those wishes too.

Criston - posted on 02/23/2016

4

0

1

the kids know im not there mom they know i am step mom they know who there bio mother is i want them to be able to call me whatever they want to call me it should be there choice i feel blessed that they are apart of my my life and my daughters witch is there sister and again it should be the childrens choice but the grandparents dont want them calling me mom and i do understand why but at the same time they get upset and ask me why they cant call me mom my step daughter says why cant i call you mom i like having to moms i think it should be there choice no one should influence there decision

Jodi - posted on 02/22/2016

3,562

36

3907

"Jodi, even if their biological mother does get released and tries to have a relationship with her children, why does that mean that they can't also call the woman who is raising them mom?"

I didn't say that they couldn't call her mum. I have no problem with that, and totally agree with you.

If you read my post properly, I am trying to clarify if they are telling the children that step-mum isn't their real mum (which I don't have a problem with), or if they are telling the children not to CALL her mum (which I do think is wrong). These are two totally different things.

The OP said "they tell my step kids that i am not there mother", which is the truth. But if they tell the step kids they are not allowed to CALL her mum, that's different, that's the point I was trying to make.

Ev - posted on 02/22/2016

7,952

7

918

Coni--I get what your saying about the kids calling parents and step parents mom and dad...I really do. But at the same time moms and dads might feel a bit out of place with it as that is what they are to their kids. A step parent is also a parent but sometimes their intentions are not what they should be or are good ones. If the situation is like that of your husband and all, then its a good thing but most often than not; kids trying to call a step parent mom or dad do get into some issues over it with bio parents. I do not like the idea myself because I am mom and unless the step mom is going to be good as gold with my kids they can call her by her name.

[deleted account]

Jodi, even if their biological mother does get released and tries to have a relationship with her children, why does that mean that they can't also call the woman who is raising them mom? My husband has a biological father and a step-father. He calls them BOTH dad and it works out just fine. It doesn't always have to be a power struggle over titles. It should be what makes the kids feel good and loved.

[deleted account]

Wow. They are really overstepping their boundaries, aren't they? I guess I'm lucky because I have a good relationship with my oldest step-sons parents and they wouldn't say something like that. They're grateful I am in his life (his mother died after a long addiction). I think you might want to have your husband talk to them. And just remind your step-children that you love them and they can call you whatever they want.

Ev - posted on 02/22/2016

7,952

7

918

So they were 3 and 2 when you first came into the picture. They would have called you mom anyway because you were there with them and doing for them...you were the only mom figure they knew. That is different than kids who are older than that and know they do know the difference from the get go but call the step parent by first name or mama or papa with the first name or such. Kids need to be able to make the choice. My kids had their first step mom when they were 13 and 6. They never called her mom but then they would not for how she was with them. The second one was with them from 14 and 7 on to now. She acted like she should have been called mom but did not have their best interests at heart. My kids told me how she was with them. But from the point of view of them calling a step mom "mom"; I would not have minded it as long as the woman was treating them like they were her own.

Criston - posted on 02/22/2016

4

0

1

yes they do have pictures of there mom and they speak of her to me and my husband but we dont tell them that she is in jail we tell them that she loves them very much and i have been in there life for 2 years . its just liket hey are sad when they tell me that there grandparents say im not there mom witch they know i am step mom but at the same time i never pushed them to call me that they did that on there own i think they know i love them and they feel safe.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms