my step son

Samantha - posted on 04/07/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My step son is always wanting to do stuff go places and we do a lot of things but its never enough and when he dont get his way he shuts down wont talk to me or anything..I fell like he needs to be more humble how can I make this happen

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Raye - posted on 04/08/2015

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Here is my opinion: ALL parental units should strive to be on the same page... whatever the combination of bio and step parents that are in the equation. Rules should be as consistent as possible wherever the kids happen to be at the time. However, there are certain legalities that are involved with step-parents... usually meaning they have NO legal standing with these children. So, (noting that there are exceptions to every rule) generally speaking the bio parents should have the majority of say in the decision making and discipline of the child. The stepparents should support the natural parents decisions and follow their guidelines with raising the kids. Step-parents should LOVE and nurture the kids as if they were their own, but since disciplinary styles can be different, the step should defer to the natural parent's method of punishment, and most times let the natural parent carry out said punishment.

I know that some stepmothers take things too far, and don't want anything to do with the kid(s), and I know some that take it too far and try to replace the natural mother. It's soooooo hard finding a balance as the step mother. When it comes to dads that really have no clue, sometimes the stepmom can be the major component in keeping the family together, doing all the child rearing. But I think those are a minority.

Now, how the kids treat the step-parent should be with respect as they would any adult. They should treat any request from a step parent as they would their natural parent, and, yes, that is sometimes disrespectfully. That's when consequences for bad behavior come into play. And, as I said, I generally advocate for the natural parent to discipline. Sometimes the step-parent needs to know it's okay to step-back, let some things go, and make the natural parent actually be a parent and do some of the dirty work.

Laura, as to how a single mother copes with things when the bio father is absent... my mom raised two girls without the help of their fathers (we had different dads). She made mistakes (everyone does), but she tried her best and we turned out more or less okay. All you can do is try your best. I think your comment alludes to a step parent that would try to take custody from a parent, and in many circumstances I would say that is not in the best interest of the child. If there is obviously a case against a natural parent for neglect, abuse, etc., then it would be good that the kids have a step-parent willing to advocate for them. But, I think that situation is in the minority. Generally kids should have relationships with both bio parents. The steps should not (intentionally) overshadow the natural parent or try to replace a natural parent that is still actively involved in the child's life.

So, that's my opinion.... as a step-mom of two.

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Laura - posted on 04/08/2015

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Raye, good for you for disagreeing with me. The way I see it, there are men out there who want their woman to take on those motherly duties caring for the children, be it their own or someone elses just as if they were their own.

Children of any age, don't always respect their own bio-mother. nd no other father figure to help with said issues. How does a single mother then cope?... by giving them up to the BIOfather? Sometimes those fathers don't necessarily want the child in their LIVES, but they have another woman to take on his duties who is freely wearing the pants and will do anything to taking a child away from their bio mother.

Raye - posted on 04/08/2015

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Samantha, Not trying to sound rude, but your stepson is not your monkey, and his drama is not your circus. You should love him and care about his wishes and try to help raise a happy/healthy kid. But if he doesn't want to appreciate what he has, then you let it go. If he starts acting disrespectful, have his father discipline him. Kids won't be happy 100% of the time. It's impossible. So, do what you can, and the rest is not your circus, not your monkeys.

I disagree with Laura. As a step parent, you should not be the one laying down the law. That is the father's territory. It is your home, and you are the mother figure in that home, so he should treat you with respect as he would his biological parent, but there is a distinction.

What I would suggest you do when he starts shutting down is try to find a way to make him smile. Tell him that a bird might perch on his bottom lip if he sticks it out any further, then make bird wings with your hands and try to land on his face. He may get mad and swat your hands away, but keep trying different things to make him laugh or smile. Then change the subject and watch TV or do something more low-key at home.

Sarah - posted on 04/07/2015

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His father should be the one to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. If he wants to mope about becasue you decide to stay home, then he can spend his time alone in his room. Sometimes kids need a lesson in gratitude. Take him to volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter one night instead of going out and maybe his attitude will change. How old is he and how often is he with you?

Laura - posted on 04/07/2015

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You just have to be the parent and lay down the laws in your home, that not everyone can go places all the time. Try having special in-nights like movie nights on tv or DVD's, game nights, walk around the neighborhood and see new places in the neighborhood together, do something that isn't cost effective when he's with you. Try to keep it the same night, when he's with you.

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