My stepchild is trying to ruin my marriage

Dianne - posted on 01/04/2013 ( 9 moms have responded )

4

21

0

Being a stepmom is hard work when your stepdaughter hates you. We have been married for almost 6yrs and together over 7yrs. My relationship with her has always been a rocky one. I don't think she has truly accepted me because she was the center of my husband's life for so many years. Her mother remarried 3 more times after their divorce before she turned 30 so my daughter always depended on her daddy. Not to mention whenever she was with her mom and she wanted something her mom would say, I don't have it go ask your daddy. And then when she asks for it and she always had a good explanation for needing it he would give it to her. He has spent alot of money on her that was basically wasted just because she saw someone else with it or just basically wanted it. She thinks her daddy is rich. He is not. Our (mine and hers) relationship was ok until I married and moved in with him then things went down hill. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship that was a horrible situation. My ex doesn't pay me child support like he should and my husband brings it up constantly. I have done everything that I can do. It's up to the State. But it is not my kids fault. They didn't ask to be brought into this world. But that's besides the point. My kids get along with my husband great. They love him and he loves them. He treats them like his own. When it comes time for Christmas and birthdays it is not so fair. Christmas we try and do even amounts but birthdays are another story. My kids birthdays fall close to Christmas so we don't get to do "big" gifts for them but it doesn't matter to them bc it is the holiday and my kids aren't materialistic. For her birthdays, she has received a $700 shopping spree, a PSP that she never played (she only wanted that bc my son got one for Christmas), a new cell phone that costs $600 (only bc she couldn't wait 6 months for the contract to be up & get the same phone for $79), the list goes on and on. And when my husband wants to spend 1 on 1 time with her, I say go for it but I am not allowed to do anything with my kids. He says that she will be out of the house soon and my kids live with us and see them all the time. I work fulltime and do not get to spend quality time with them like I want. I have never taken my kids to the movies or to lunch so why should I have to sit at home and have 2 kids wonder why we can't go anywhere. It's not fair to them. He says that I make it out to be that I HAVE to do something with my kids when he does something with her. I don't plan on anything but why should it be a big deal if I want to take them to the park or run to the grocery store. And when he tells her that they are going to do something she replies back "I betcha they are gonna do something too". Who cares if I do. She should be focusing on spending 1 on 1 time with her daddy. Before me her daddy spent all of his time with her so when I came into the picture she had to share him with 3 other people. She doesn't share very well. When she moved in with us for 3yrs she thought the world was supposed to stop when she was gone to her mom's. She would call us to see where we were, what we were doing. She's a very jealous person. And when she moved out she told her daddy that she would move back in if I moved out and he divorced me. At this time she was in trouble for lying and getting caught behind the gym with a boy (she was 11). I think she tries to take the focus off the situation at hand and tries to point the blame at me. I am always the scapegoat. This Christmas we overheard her say the following at a Christmas gathering "they can buy them giftcards but they can't buy me no $135 pr of shoes". My husband was pissed and didn't talk to her for days. He was gonna buy them shoes for her but to teach her lesson he didn't. So when I took her home Christmas Day she didn't tell her daddy bye. She told him when he finally talked to her days later that I told her she couldn't tell him bye. I have no reason to tell her that. What would I have to gain by even saying that? So this puts my husband in a tough spot in who to believe. I would never want to be in that situation. And I can tell he is choosing her over me and has been treating me differently since has happened. I am not sure what to do anymore. I know she is trying to split us up. She's tried so many times and has failed. Not so sure this time. I just keep praying it gets better. If love wasn't involved it would be an easy decision for me. But there is alot of love...strong love.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/04/2013

13,214

21

2014

Ok, a few things...Why can’t you do one on one time with your kids while he’s doing the same with his? What’s stopping you?

You need to sit down with hubby, and discuss family strategies. Spending for each child should be the same, regardless of when the event falls. If your kids get gift cards, she gets gift cards. If she gets a $700 shopping spree (paid for by you and hubby) then your kids each get $700.

But, the main problem I’m seeing is that you are just as jealous of her time with her daddy as she is of you and yours. Since neither of you can seem to get around that, you need to go to counseling. Single for her, family for ALL of you, and I’d recommend single for yourself as well. It sounds like you thought that your husband was going to magically become your kid’s daddy, and you’re a bit put out that he’s still including his daughter in the mix, and that’s not healthy for any of you.

Oh, and it's not the CHILD that's ruining your relationship. It's the lack of communication and unity that is ruining your relationship. How would you feel if your husband told you that it was YOUR kids who were ruining the deal? You'd be pissed.

Stephanie - posted on 10/09/2014

1

0

0

i have the Same issue with my husband and his Kids ( my stepkids).....you all that are writing are wrong your not going thru the Situation, like us so you dont know and dont have a right to Post blame in the step Parent Kids arent perfect and specially some stepkids they think they can Do what they want without
any reprocussions cause Their daddy lest them unless your dealing with the Same Situation you need keep your comments to yourself ......in going thru this so understand you.....we Split up for8 months just resently got back together my stepson has eben staying with us for about a week now Anfall we Do is fight....dont know it we will get thru this time it he dont tell him to leave by the way hes 21......

Jodi - posted on 01/04/2013

3,534

36

3906

I'm also not seeing that it is not the stepdaughter ruining your relationship. I don't think it is fair to place blame on her. All these things you spell out don't appear to be her fault. If dad is bowing to her every whim, why is she at fault? As a parent, you KNOW that a child will milk every opportunity if it is given all the time.

This relationship is broken because you and your husband are not communicating on these issues. Don't blame her for that. If one on one time with your kids is causing arguments, how is that HER fault? It isn't! How is it HER fault that dad spent $600 on a phone? It isn't. I think you are blaming her for a lot of things, when in actual fact, her father is catering to her. Who is the adult in that relationship?

Only you and your husband can have control over your relationship. Yet you are allowing yourself to believe that your stepdaughter does. She only has the power to ruin your relationship because you and your husband are allowing that to happen by arguing over things that she does. That isn't the same as her trying to ruin your marriage. Why? Because the onus of the marriage rests squarely on yours and your husbands shoulders.

9 Comments

View replies by

Lori - posted on 10/09/2014

126

0

0

who are the adults in this situation and why can't they work together towards a solution?

StephanieJones - posted on 10/09/2014

3

0

1

We don't argue over my only daughter period so idk how to help you hun sorry

Jodi - posted on 10/09/2014

3,534

36

3906

Stephanie, honey, I am in the situation. I HAVE stepchildren. But the difference is, my husband and I are generally on the same page with regard to everything and he doesn't allow his kids to walk all over him. If you and your husband fight over it, then it is the two of YOU that need to sort things out and find a compromise. It isn't the child's fault you and your husband can't get it together. If you and your husband have a bad marriage, it has nothing to do with the child, it is you, the adults, who are responsible for that.

Just because you disagree with what someone says, don't assume they don't know what they are talking about from experience.

Ev - posted on 10/09/2014

7,255

7

909

I have to agree that its the father allowing his daughter to walk all over him and not doing something about it. Its also on the both of you as you have to work at a marriage and blended family. Its not a magical thing here. The child does need counseling. I have to agree with Jodi and the other poster. Its not her fault that this marriage is falling apart. Its on you and him to make it work and to set the tone for the family and to also set the rules. And you can start by making sure all the kids are treated the same be it spending x number of dollars on them at holidays and birthdays, or taking them places as a family unit. He should not be put out at you wanting the one on one time with your own kids since he does it with her. Its not like you are out doing something he would not know about. Also, his daughter needs to know that when she is there, its three kids not one and she is going to get the same things as the others within reason. YOu both need to set limits on what is spent. YOu both need to set rules and what the consequences are. And your husband needs to teach his daughter to appreciate what she has or gets. The world is not going to cater to her once she gets on her own.

Dove - posted on 01/04/2013

11,632

0

1348

Doesn't sound like your stepdaughter is ruining your relationship. Sounds like your husband is... marriage and co-parenting (especially in a blended family) are about compromise and communication. There is no reason in the world why you have to be left at home to do nothing when your husband is out with his daughter. The entire world doesn't revolve around the two of them. You all are a family and if he isn't willing to see that and teach his daughter to see that.... there isn't much you can do except accept it or leave.

Dianne - posted on 01/04/2013

4

21

0

If I was to do one on one time with my kids, it causes a big argument. The last time he took her bowling, I decided at the last minute to go jogging at the park. We argued for 3 days about how why must I leave to do something when they go do something. It wasn't a planned thing, I was home and it was a nice day so I took the kids to the park and I jogged around the walking trail. Didn't think it was a big deal but it was to him and to her. The whole time he was gone he said that she mentioned a few times I betcha they are gonna do something while we are gone.

I have sat down with him and told him we needed to write some ground rules. The gift card comment was to our aunt and uncle. She thought that since we had money to buy them gifts we could afford to buy her those expensive shoes. He wasn't too keen on that idea. He finally agreed after 2hrs of talking about it. When it comes to her he feels as if he needs to do more for her since she doesn't live with us anymore.

I have tried counseling. I have done it by myself, read books, etc. He only went twice and gave up saying they can't help him. I never expected my husband to be my kid's daddy. My kids see their dad, he just makes a big deal about it bc he doesn't help out monitarily. I have told my husband that we needed to communicate more about the children. He usually excludes me from the conversation when it involves her and then at the last minute he tells me. These miscommunications causes hiccups in our plans that we have made. He hates it when I exclude him (I've only done that one time when my ex was coming to get my kids at a different time and it caused a big fuss so I make sure he is informed to cut the arguing out.) We only argue about the children. My children's relationship with my husband is great and vice versa. I wish the same for me and my stepdaughter. She is jealous of my children and how they react with him. I keep telling him communication is the key here. He wants to talk to everyone but me. There is alot going on here in our relationship that can change but some parties automatically assume that I am at fault without even listening to both sides. His mother thinks this child does no wrong and keeps making excuses for her saying she's had a hard life. I am his first lengthy relationship since his divorce. And he has told me that he's dated other women before me but ended the relationship because his daughter didn't like them. He says he will not make his child like me. I told him she doesn't have to like me but she needs to respect me and to respect your wishes to be with me and try and not cause problems. She constantly lies about dumb stuff and she's been caught in lies numerous times. I wish she would see that I'm not taking her dad away from her.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms