My stepdaughter is ruining my relationship!

Linda - posted on 09/19/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

4

0

2

I'm lost, confused, distraught and most of all upset. I love my fiancée with all of my heart, he is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me, but his oldest daughter who is 12 is tearing us apart. She is rude, lazy, disrespectful, manipulative, selfish, greedy, vindictive, and just mean. I have a daughter who just turned 10 from a previous relationship, and we're also raising my 9 year old nephew, together my fiancée and I have a one year old baby and he's also got a 10 year old as well, so altogether we have 5 children. The other children listen and do what they are told, my daughter may try to get lippy but I nip that in the bud right away, but nooooo not the oldest, she gets away with no chores, when all the other kids did and completed there's, and still gets to keep her brand new iPhone. Disrespects me and doesn't listen, then when she is told do something talks back to me the entire time she is doing it or just simply refuses, then when she gets her cell phone taken away she throws a fit and calls mommy who comes to her rescue. Just recently we moved into a new home and told ALL the kids to put their clothes away, they did, guess who didn't. She was asked numerous times to go downstairs and put bedroom away, and she kept saying she did, I go downstairs and absolutely nothing is put away, so of course I tell dad and we agree that she should have her cell phone taken away until it gets cleaned, here's the worst part, I had to beg her dad to make sure HE called her to tell her she was in trouble so I didn't have to do it, well of course he was busy at work so I had to tell her. I knew once I had to tell her we were taking her cell phone it was going to cause a huge fight, it's rediculous that I can't even tell her anything in fear of this. So now because she was told to put her clothes away it was the end of the world, of course while she's doing it I have to hear all her rude snide comments and what makes it worse is that my fiancée handicap brother lives with us AKA uncle comfort blanket, and I have to hear it from him too. He baby's just her, I can say anything to her in front of him because then I'm the mean one, cuz she has to clean her f****** room! Well when she finally finishes she comes up " my rooms clean can I get my phone back?" Um no not until your dad comes home. " well I want my phone so I can call my mom cuz I'm not staying here" " why because you had to clean your room?" Well of course super mom comes to her rescue, goes to grandmas house (dads mom, who doesn't even like the mom Btw) and talks shit about me, now the whole family is involved making me out to be this mean evil person and I'm sick of it, I'm tired of every time she doesn't get her way she calls mom and grandma and makes me out to be this evil stepmother who makes her do Cinderella chores, MY ASS! She manipulates everyone to be on her side and believe her BS, and I'm left here being stepped on becuAse she was asked for the 5th time to clean her room! My fear is that she is only 12 and this is going to get worse, dad is on my side and is trying but his efforts are not enough, I don't know what else we need to do, mom doesn't discipline her and lives like a pig herself so no wonder why she hates to clean but the talking back is where I draw the line, she's 12, and thinks she needs to be treated as an adult, if that were m daughter I'd whoop her ass and show her who is the adult and who is the child but that doesn't happen with mommy or mommy jr. When my daughter comes home from dads house and says she got spanked by her stepgrandpa, I don't baby her and take her side, I always say well if he had good enough reason to spank you then you probably deserved it, and that's that, I don't believe everything my kid says becuAse all kids see the world differently but that's too hard for super mommy cuz she looks for reasons to hate me. Sometimes for no reason at all my SD will tell my daughter rude mean hurtful things, constantly picking on her or finding things to tell her she is doing wrong or always trying to get her in trouble and I hate it. Other kids who come around don't even like her or want to play with her cuz she's mean, she's a big bully. I'm coming to my wits end here with this bratty selfish, spoiled little brat, but I'm not about to let her win and ruin my relationship with the best man I've ever met. I don't know what more to do, please help.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Cayla - posted on 09/22/2015

19

0

1

I have 4 kids, 2 step and 2 adopted... I was raised old fashioned. Kids do not question adults. They do not have rude tones or attitude's when they speak to adults. They do not speak unless spoken to. They do not pry in adults business. They do what they are told to do. If I was you and I went downstairs and seen that none of her clothes were put away, I would bag them up and put them in my trunk. While she would be at school I would bag the rest of her clothes and only leave her just enough clothes for one week. If she wants her clothes back she has to work for them, just like you and your husband had to work to get the money to pay for the clothes in the first place. As far as the cell phone is concerned, sure I would give her the cell phone back but I would turn off the cell phone service. When you give children chores, that it their way of learning how to be responsible and be able to take care of themselves. Chores=Rent. So if she doesn't want to help around the house, take her charger. If you hide things you have to hide them VERY WELL, because they will find them. I always hide everything in my trunk, my kids would never suspect a thing lol. Also, if chores are not done, guess what.. no sleep until they are completed. And depending on how disrespectful, and disobedient she is, I would give her a couple extra chores for punishment.

One day my son lied and manipulated me and his mom into thinking we both gave him permission to go somewhere, but then it started getting dark and he turned his phone off. As one of his punishments (along with taking his phone) I made him pull out ALL the weeds in the front and back yard. We live in the dessert so trust me when I tell you it was HOT. I do NOT tolerate children who have no respect for adults. You have to put your foot down. A tornado thunderstorm will probably come at first when you try to get her in line, but trust me, once the hard part is over and you stay consistent, you will not only be helping yourself but her as well. Kids have to have rules and boundaries to prosper in life as adults. Her employer wont tolerate a mouthy woman who cannot take instruction. This is more about her future than anything.

Jodi - posted on 09/19/2015

3,558

36

3907

Actually, your step-daughter is not ruining your relationship. You and your partner are allowing your relationship to be ruined. So please don't hold a 12 year old child responsible for the poor relationship you have with your partner. She might be a brat and a pain in the ass, but she is a child who is a product of what her parents have made her, so.........

Firstly, dad needs to step up and be her parent, and not leave that up to you. It isn't your place to discipline his child - let him do it. He also needs to put his foot down about a number of things going on here (his ex interfering, his mother interfering, his brother interfering). In essence, by not doing these things, he is contributing to the break down of your relationship, not his daughter.

It concerns me that you think the way to solve it would be to spank her. Firstly, she's 12 - if you have to resort to spanking a 12 year old, then you need some more tools in your box. Secondly, you don't spank someone else's kid. Her mother would have every right to be pissed off about her daughter being spanked. If my ex's step-mother ever spanked my son, I'd absolutely have something to say about that. In fact, I'd take issue with it if my ex spanked him too, because it is entirely unnecessary, and, in my opinion, spanking is lazy parenting, especially spanking a 12 year old. And I'm entitled to that opinion, and I'm entitled to ask that my child not be assaulted.

Honestly, if she won't pack up her room, pack her stuff up for her and donate it to charity. Don't fight with her over it, just tell her she has that choice - to pack it up, or, if left to you and dad, it will be bagged up and sent to people who will appreciate it. Then shrug and walk away, let her consider her choice and then follow through with the consequence if necessary. Removing the phone all the time isn't always the solution, and it certainly isn't the only solution.

Monique - posted on 09/20/2015

1

0

0

Wow. Your anger is very misguided. She is the child, her father is the adult. Understand you are already getting a taste of life after "I Do". It will not change. So you either have to accept it, or maybe really say to yourself if this relationship should take that next big step. You know kids can pick up things very quickly. You sound very angry here, do you think there is a possibility it is showing through interactions with the oldest girl? Good luck to you.

Angela - posted on 09/22/2015

25

0

6

Haaaaa I love this and I agree 200% what parents who try to be their child's bff over their parents it's only a way of saying ok I don't wanna deal with it and that's harmful to the child and those children turn into irresponsible adults with no morals or values and guess who's to blame??? Tha enabling parent

Angela - posted on 09/21/2015

25

0

6

I have that exact same step daughter and you know iv learned instead of getting all into my feelings over the little things (except the disrespect ) you have to choose your battles with a teenagers , try talking to her something has to be bothering her for her to have all these negative reactions!

8 Comments

View replies by

Carissa - posted on 01/10/2016

1

0

0

I believe whole heartedly what Monique is saying. This is a preview of what will come and if its not controlled and others put in charge of their own. You as a parent yourself cannot be responsible for her actions. Her father may work and be busy But he holds More respect in her eyes and Only he can nip this in the bud. I understand you want to spank but considering these days an lawsuits an no one taking responsibility for anything.... I would advise you to step away when you feel overwhelmed, take the other kids for ice cream or what have you. Leave her under the care of the grandma or the uncle. Just breathe... I have a 17 going on Bitch stepdaughter, I know exactly what you are going through and it doesn't get any better. Until the father wants to participate. He works constantly and left me in charge my other kids Always helped with chores, she has to be asked 20 times and in detail of how to do. Her excuse is I'm ditzy. I wasn't born yesterday and when she makes the grades and brags about taking instructions well and only told once. I only congratulated and went on. Now my tolerance has expired and I don't want to even be around. And ladies its not just the chores and I'm sure you have experienced this as well... Lies to your face, back stabbing, throwing things in public , because let's face it negative attention is cool these days. Why not today's society promotes bad behavior and of course there's No consequences for anything.... I've tried, just to give a free preview of what's to come ifif The Father doesn't take this Serious! Actions speak louder than words and I have heard it ALL! GOOD LUCK , and Seriously.... Refrain from beating the child Please! 😆

Angela - posted on 09/21/2015

25

0

6

I absolutely agree the child has no power unless you give into it !!! You control your relationship and like iv been told things would work smoother if u and dad are on the same page set rules and be consistent

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/20/2015

13,255

21

2015

Ditto what Jodi said. Exactly. Stop blaming the child for her parents lack of parenting.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms