My Stepkids are ruining my marraige/family

Katrice - posted on 02/21/2016 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I have been married for almost 7 years we have been together for about 12. My step kids were programmed by mother to hate me and there father. Their mom committed suicide and left them to have to come live with us after not speaking with us for over a year.I have tried to help them get counseling welcome them in my home as one of my own. Since living with us they have pretended to like dad only to get what they want out of him they use the tragedy of their mom to manipulate the dad against me. They are in constant competition with me. I am to the point where it is hard to care for them because I know that they are ultimately trying to break us up. The youngest is the worst she is 16 still currently in home. My husband acts out of guilt and just lets her upset the entire home. I know her mom is no longer here and I am trying to do my best but she continues to reject it all she wants from me is to be divorced from her dad. Please i need some advice because we are constantly arguing about her,

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Raye - posted on 02/22/2016

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If your husband can't get it in his head he's doing more harm than good by giving in to her, then maybe you and your kids would be better off apart from them and their drama. I know it would be sort of like giving in to her for you to separate, since she's intent on driving a wedge between you, but you really do have to think about your own kids welfare and your own. Your husband is making things worse. And why would you want to stay with a man that disrespects you, goes behind your back, won't do what's best for his kids, etc.? The kids only get away with their behavior because HE allows it.

Raye - posted on 02/22/2016

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Maybe you and your husband need to stay in counseling so he has someone (other than family) to be accountable to. He should be strong and do what's best for the child (discipline) and you (to have him back you up). But if he's continuing to let guilt ruin all his relationships, then there's not much you can do on your own. As Jodi said, it's not the kid that's the heart of the problem here, it's your husband who's allowing the behavior to continue.

Jodi - posted on 02/21/2016

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If you and your husband are constantly arguing about her, then it is actually you and your husband who are letting this child break up your marriage. No-one can ruin your marriage unless someone in the marriage lets them.

You say you've tried to seek counselling for the children - have you and your husband had any counselling?

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Katrice - posted on 02/22/2016

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Raye I so agree she is actually in counseling she goes once a week. I take her myself because I am not working for the past year. We do treat it as she means it we have had her baker acted I just cant get it through to him that she still needs the discipline even though we know that something is going on with her. In his head if he tells her yes to everything then she may not do it or make the threats but I know its more harmful than help because she needs structure so this is mostly what we argue about and Im almost to the point of giving up on the whole situation ad concentrating on my kids who want my guidance.

Raye - posted on 02/22/2016

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Treat each threat of suicide as if she means it. Tell her you see she must be really hurting, and therefore she needs professional help. If it's only a threat, maybe she'll stop using it as a threat, because she won't want counseling or to be on "suicide watch" all the time.

No one is doing her any favors if they just keep giving into her threats and demands. It's not healthy. It's not helping her cope with her (relatively easy) life now so she won't know how to cope as an adult. Her brother obviously didn't know how to cope either, so your husband needs to stop this bullshit before he looses another child and get her (and himself) help and stick to structure and discipline.

Katrice - posted on 02/22/2016

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Christie I agree totally with that I try so hard to wait until we are alone to have the discussion the counselor also told us that if she sees that gap she will use it. The issue is they have made him feel so guilty for so long that i feel like he feels that he has to go against me for her because she makes threats of suicide or that he doesnt love her. We have had to admit her inpatient once because she was so angry she fought him twice tried to fight me once. So i think he is afraid that if he and I are always on the same page then she may do something to hurt herself FYI his son just committed suicide as well he was 24 so I know my husband is scared but at the same time I know she is using this to manipulate the us at times. Im just so tired and want my normal life back before they came to live with us.

Christie - posted on 02/22/2016

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I have three step daughters who lost their mother to suicide as well. She passed away while I was expecting our first child together. It has been tough, but the best thing I can tell you is to never disagree or argue in front of your children (steps or biological). They can't see a gap or weak spot in your relationship with your husband. If I or my husband says or does something the other disagrees with, we never say do in front of the kids. When we are alone we talk about whatever may have happened and discuss how to better handle it in the future. yiu have to show a united front to your children.

Katrice - posted on 02/22/2016

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Yes we have went to help us learn how to co parent with her as one but he keeps dropping the ball and going back to catering to her behavior and we are right back where we started. It is all just so stressful to fact that I ended up unable to work due to stress and having to go to counseling myself. She takes so much of us until I feel I am not there for my own kids.

Katrice - posted on 02/22/2016

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Yes we have went to counseling as well. The counselor advised that he has to raise her as her parent not like someone who just feels guilty because she says he loves me more or our joint son that we have ,or he chooses us over her which none of that is true but he operates as though he is guilty of something. When we stand as one and make decisions together for all the kids things are fine, but somehow he will fall off start doing things behind my back and thats when the problems start again.

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