My Teenager

Carmen N - posted on 09/10/2015 ( 25 moms have responded )

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To make the story short My 13 year old daughter is out of contarl she thank she is my mother and she said that we the family dont love her or like and that i like her oldest brother better them her and that is not true i love them both the same. I told her that if she dont change she is going to her father house and she told me that she is going to run way please i need help. and another thing we live in a house that we rent a room in the house about in the house we also get people who live here one of them i think that is butting my 13 yaer old daugther to answer back to me and everthing please i need help before she live the house. what can i do

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Jodi - posted on 09/13/2015

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Actually, I think I am helping the OP so that her daughter doesn't end up feeling more unloved than she already does. Threatening to, or actually shipping off to the other parent is not discipline, it's a cop out when it all becomes too hard. There are other ways to discipline a child that will be far more effective and give the mother actual authority.

And FYI: Disempowerment: to make weak, ineffectual, or unimportant; to deprive of power, authority, or influence. It does NOT mean what you think it means.

And I apologise if I got angry - just two days ago I had to deal with a child who they can't even find a foster home for because of this sort of bullshit and the behaviour and feelings it has led to. So don't think I'm just blowing my own trumpet. It is parents who treat kids like belongings that they can just ship off to wherever when it all gets too hard that piss me off.

Jodi - posted on 09/13/2015

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Threatening to ship her off to the other parent because you can't control a child IS disempowering your authority. But whatever. I will agree to disagree - from a parent of teenagers and adults and a teacher of teens (and a psych major).....to a parent who only has a 5 year old. You are entitled to your opinion, but watching Dr Phil doesn't make you any kind of expert or in any way experienced. And using shipping off to the other parent, who barely has anything to do with the child as a THREAT is highly inappropriate and potentially damaging and traumatic to a child. I see teens whose parents use this and they are damaged kids. So sorry if I come across as condescending, but it pisses me off when parents do this shit to these kids. It is NOT ok, no matter how you look at it. Go ahead and use it with your kids if you want, but don't be surprised if they end up pretty fucked up.

Ultimately, threatening children like this also doesn't work. And there are actual studies to back that up.

Jodi - posted on 09/12/2015

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" if she is still acting out and the mum can not control her send her to her dad."

= disempowerment.

How is this getting control back?

Jodi - posted on 09/12/2015

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Yeah, I don't agree with that either. That's actually making the choice to put the child in the "too hard basket" and reinforcing her point that she isn't cared about. Do you also do the "wait until your father gets home"?

But hey, if you think that's the way to go with your kids, then by all means, your problem. Personally, I don't believe it solves anything, and in fact, it makes the issue bigger. But what would I know? I only work with teens, including troubled ones. Including kids who are played off between one parent and the other as punishment.

From my professional experience, I've never seen it work - all I've seen are damaged kids from this kind of attitude. I certainly would never advise it.

Jodi - posted on 09/12/2015

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LOL, Trish, I understand your point of view. I just don't agree with it. And again, ask yourself the question I asked you - how is threatening to send her to her dad getting any control back?

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Dove - posted on 09/13/2015

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I'm just going to keep coming back to this post to 'like' whatever Jodi says since I agree w/ her 100%, but she words things much better than I do. ;)

Trish - posted on 09/13/2015

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P.S I was going to apologise for coming on here and upsetting you. I did not want to come on here and start arguments. That was not my intention. However do not ever bring up my children or say they will "end up pretty fucked up". How dare you bring my kids in to this. If you are so educated with your major you do not have to resort to that kind of rubbish. Thank you for reminding me you are seer and know-it-all of everything. Thank you for reminding that some women are not on here to help others but come on here to blow their own self righteous trumpets. Well done you have achieved your goal of touching a nerve.

Trish - posted on 09/13/2015

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Wow you had to go make it personal. Well done you have to be the most judgmental woman I have ever come across. You checked out my profile. Yes I have a 5 year old and have further children since then. I hav not updated my profile in years. I do not put on my profile everything that I do. I did not put on there that I have also a difficult 13 year old nephew my parents adpoted since a babe, who comes to me when my parents need a break. They have seen social workers, pyschologists and all sorts trying to curb his disrespectful behavior. I am their respite. It is not disempowering when a parent needs help or a break from all the stress. Parents are human and have emotions too. Having someone you love so much grow up and having that child treat you like crap and then act out when the parent is trying their best. Disempowering is having people tell you there is only one way to do things. Studies to back up anything mean nothing when you go through drama with your own flesh and blood.
I have had a 15 year old run away to my house because of abuse, she is in her 20's now and has a job, her own home and car is doing well. I have helped many of my young cousins, friends and their kids in difficult times. Nor do I claim to be an expert. It may not be much to you but to me I have dealt first hand with stuff like this. I may not have your "expertise" but I do have some experience with troubled teens and children in my own family and circle. You do not know me nor do you have the right to judge. And so what if I bought up Dr Phil it is an example. Get off your high horse lady. Reading your message I sense anger. You have nothing to prove to me or I to you. You can be as passionate as you want to be to prove your point. I do not have to use swear words to emphasise mine. I do not have to get all personal or catty. Just because you have degrees or what not...here no one is right or wrong. Take a chill pill.

Trish - posted on 09/13/2015

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I do not believe it is disempowering. She has two parents not one. If the dad can step in and share the load why not? The mum can take some time out for herself and think what is the next step. You act like sending the child to the dad is horrible. It is her father and not only that she will learn her mum means what she says. Dr Phil pulls those troubled teens from their environment, parents, etc all the time and since this is real life and no one is going to pay for her child to go a raunch. She needs to do something. Either that or she will run away and not know where the heck she is.
You sound condescending with the "wait til your father gets home" line. How I deal with my childeren is my business and I handle my business. We come on here to help one another offer advice and support but to me it is like you are trying to say your way and your experiences are the right way and the only way and anyone with a different view or opinion is wrong in saying so. All people are different. What works for you might not work for someone else. Please refrain from your passive aggressive digs. I did not make any personal digs at you or make assumptions on how you deal with your children. If you do not like what I have to say move along. We can agree to disagree.

Trish - posted on 09/12/2015

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Ok ladies I am saying do not threaten to send her to her fathers. I am saying SEND her to her fathers. We are just assuming and reading between the lines. There would be so many factors contributing to why this girl is out of control and my advice is what I have posted. Talk to her with love and if she is still acting out and the mum can not control her send her to her dad. Sometimes a girl needs her father. Kids these days are very clever at manipulating and controling their parents. What I am saying is that this mother needs to gain control of the situation instead of letting her daughter run things.

Jennifer - posted on 09/12/2015

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Have you thought about the reasons as to why she's acting out? Is someone hurting her? Is she being bullied at school? What's the cause for her acting out? This is usually a red flag and they don't know how to express what's going on. Try to speak with her about these topics.

Dove - posted on 09/12/2015

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Unless, of course, a parent actually DOESN'T love their child... In which case sending them to someone that does love them is better.

Dove - posted on 09/12/2015

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But Jodi is 100% right. If a child is expressing that they are feeling unloved in their home the WORST thing you can do for that child is to send them away. You not being able to understand that is your problem. ;)

Trish - posted on 09/12/2015

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Jodi i did not come on here to justify my opinion. You are entitled to yours and I am entitled to mine. If you do not understand my point of view that is your problem.

Jodi - posted on 09/12/2015

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She shouldn't be using sending her to her father as a threat at all.....That's right up there with "wait until your father gets home". She is disempowering herself and reinforcing what her daughter believes - they her family doesn't love her. You say her daughter has the control and she needs to get it back - how exactly is threatening to send her to her father doing that?

Trish - posted on 09/12/2015

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Sorry I read that wrong...but still she should not give empty threats. Do it. Follow through. Walk your talk. If she can not discipline her daughter send her away to the father. If not she will run away. Her daughter has the control she needs to get it back.

Jodi - posted on 09/12/2015

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Trish, the girl isn't saying she wants to go to the father - the mother is using it as a threat. That's totally different. You can't use it as a threat.

Trish - posted on 09/12/2015

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Let her go. Tough love. She wants to go to her dad let her go. Sometimes telling a kid is not enough. You have to show them. Being disrespectful I find kids see something in a parents life that they do not agree with that makes them lose respect for that parent. You can not blame anyone on how your child chooses to act. What have you done? Even spoilling a child is bad...compensating for an absent parent. Do not get me wrong being a mum is the hardest sometimes thankless job ever BUT we hold the power on teaching our kids. You have to figure out what went wrong to make her so angry.Try one more time when things are calm to talk to her nicely and with love. Explain to her how things are and say sorry for how life is...but at the same time tell her She is only young and life is never what we want it to be. All you can do is talk to her with love....no shouting, no anger. Let her know you love her and it hurts you. And at the end of that she still chooses to treat you disrespectfully. Let her go. Life is the better teacher. Learn the hard way.

Denise - posted on 09/11/2015

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You are not alone. Many parents face challenging times with their teenagers. The teen years are just as conflicting for the teen as the parent. There are several options available to parents of teens.

First of all, load up on information on the physical, emotional, and mental development for teenagers in general. They go through great changes in the areas of dependency, relationships, and individuality. It is of great necessity that we understand what our teens are going through.

Secondly, it is imperative to build a relationship with our teens. Listen to them. Explain why certain boundaries are set. Let them know you care how they feel, but it is your job as a mother to protect and guide her. One of my favorite quotes is "Rules without a relationship equals rebellion" by Josh McDowell. This statement has been a constant guide for me and my husband.

Thirdly, it is hard enough for kids/teens to handle balancing two different families. There are times when parents just can't be together, but they should try to come together on some common ground in regards to parenting. Have you tried talking to your ex and getting his support?

Fourthly, get support. Parenting is a tough job for anyone. Enlist some mentors that your daughter respects. Do you have a church or parenting group that can give you support and encouragement? Find a youth group with teen that will be a positive influence on your daughter. Also, there are several websites that offer information that lends to successful parenting, some specifically geared toward teens. Check these out:
http://www.josh.org/
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teens
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/parentin...

Dove - posted on 09/11/2015

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She is 13.. Full of hormones and wanting to be treated like an adult and rule her own life... Add to that the virtual abandonment by her father and the potentially being bullied... and no wonder she's acting out.

PLEASE do not ever threaten to send her away. By saying that you are just justifying to her what she is thinking/feeling about not being loved.

Other than thinking she's the boss I'm not really seeing what she is DOING that is wrong... just the expressing of her emotions about something.. It sounds like you could benefit from getting into some family counseling. If she IS being bullied in her own home... that needs to stop and stop now no matter what it takes. You may need to start looking for alternate living arrangements for your whole family.

Carmen N - posted on 09/11/2015

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One she have no friends that come to the house. Thing that she want she don't get a she get mad at that. She is say that I love her brother and that I get thing that he wanted is hard because wen I was married to there father he was never home and wen he was I end up doing things myself my understanding is 50/50 is that right. And wen we get divorce he used to them them up every week and then change to every other weekend also after become once a month and then two months later he want to pick them up I been mother and father wen they where born. And we I remarried my husband is the father in there life she was five years old so it hurt me wen she is out of control.......

Jodi - posted on 09/10/2015

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Ok, firstly, stop engaging in her arguments. You implement discipline swiftly and ignore her whines that you hate her, that you don't love her, that she is going to run away. Carry on with whatever you are doing, and totally ignore the threats. She does it because she is getting a rise out of you (you respond by telling her you will send her to her father, etc). So stop.

Removing phones and electronic devices isn't working? How long do you remove them for. Do you give her the opportunity to earn them back, or do you just give them back when the time is up? Does she have a TV in her room? Computer? Does she have friends over? Does she go to friend's homes? Can you possibly REWARD the positive behaviour with allowing her to have a friend for a sleepover? Look at how you may be able to reward the positives.

Jodi - posted on 09/10/2015

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Okay, I'm just going to pull you up right here on threatening to send her to her father's house. You should never, EVER use a split family situation as punishment. Not ever. Your daughter needs discipline. What have you tried?

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