My thirteen year old doesn't want me around.

Angie - posted on 02/01/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have a thirteen year old. She won't even speak to me.If she does she is rude. She wants me to knock on her door to see her. If I ewalk in on her when her dad is helping with her homework she doesn't want me to come in the room. An example would be we would be in the kitchen she would be at the pantry and I come over to the same are . She would simply shrug and try to get me out of her way. What should I do? It's as if she thinks she is above me or better than me. This is an ongoing behavior.

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[deleted account]

Welcome to the teen years. It will get worse before it gets better too. :) As for the disrespect I would suggest talking to her about how her behavior bothers you when she is disrespectful to you. I personally make it a rule with my teen that if you disrespect me then you will get away from me and do everything for yourself. I will not cook for you, clean for you, help you, and will talk to you as little as possible. (basically disrespect her back) However, I think that asking her "Got a problem?" when she is disrespectful is a great idea to. If there is a problem ask her if she wants to talk about it. If yes, great, but I promise it will mostly be no. She wants to figure it out for herself. You can very calmly just say; "ok, but your attitude stinks and needs to change or deal with the consequences." Make sure she knows what they will be if she disrespects you or anyone else. Don't be over bearing or rude though. Treat her as an adult but on her own level. She wants to be taken more seriously now that she is getting older. It is an amazing balancing act but it can be done. Give her more to do and help with around the house. Make sure she has time to herself every day too. (at least a couple of hours) Oh, and be very prepared for this to continue, no praise, no bonding, no mommy daughter feelings anymore. (at least not often) lol Most of all she is a teenager.
She is right no matter what. (aren't all women?lol)
she will not listen to you
she will not do what you say
when she does it will be her way in her own time
the bathroom is now hers.
family time sucks
friends are the end all be all
her boyfriend (or soon to be or even want to be) is going to be better than anyone else, especially you
you are no longer cool.
you are no longer a friend
you are old
you do not "get it" and never will
You will know longer have the right answers
and most of all you will want to rip her eyes out of her head when she YET AGAIN ROLLS THOSE EYES AT YOU.
LMAO
Ok. I know i don't have it all and I am sure my 14 yr old will want to add to this later but here is a beginning. :) LOL I do hope you get some chuckles out of it and always remember. When they get in their late 20's or early 30's you will know what you were talking about when they were teens and not a minute before. :)
GOOD LUCK (p.s. I have 4 girls total...pity me pity me....:( lol )

[deleted account]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to offer my support. It can't be easy to be in your position. I have a son, who's 3, so I have years to go before he hits puberty. But I do know that the dynamic between a mother and daughter changes drastically for some during puberty. I think Danielle and Amber have given you some great advice. Best of luck to you :)

Amber - posted on 02/01/2011

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Unfortunately she is now a teenager. Prepare to be "stupid, uncool, old" and possibly worse. Although, I don't think knocking is an unreasonable request, nor is her having some decisions of her own.



I think that you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that her attitude is not ok and will not be tolerated. Also, try to find out why she's acting that way. Does she feel that you don't listen or give her space/freedom? Fix the problem if you can, if not fix the behavior.



You'll have to pick a punishment that works for her to make her get the point. If she likes going out with friends ground her to the house with no company; if she likes buying herself little extras, cut off her money supply or charge her $X every time she is rude to you. Or assign extra housework. Find whichever will work efficiently for her.



I know that my mom gave me privacy and respect when I was a teenager....but if I had acted like that to her, I wouldn't have been able to breath without asking first.



Hope you can work through this without pulling out all of your hair :)

Danielle - posted on 02/01/2011

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I think it is just about respect.
As a mother you stand as a childhood symbol. It seems like every teenager goes through these stages. I think it has more to do with you daughter trying to define herself as an 'adult', and you represent dependence.
I would give her some space. I know she seems young, but start including her in more decisions to show that you trust her judgment, and respect her as a person.
Obviously, if she is doing things that are potentially dangerous like drinking, smoking, sneaking out, then those issues need to be addressed as you are her parent first.
Now is the time to pick your battles with her.
If you make a fuss over every little thing then she will push you away further thinking (what every teen thinks) that their parents are 'controling' them.
It sounds like a rebellion stage. If she is being really hurtful then let her blow off her steam, and then when she has calmed down approach her as an adult and let her know how she acted was hurtful, and as a person she hurt your feelings.

[deleted account]

Well, knocking on her door before entering is perfectly reasonable. The rest just sounds like bad attitude though. I hope you get some good advice on how to handle it and I'll be reading up on this post since my twin girls are 9 now..... ;)

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