My Three Year Old Son Attending His Father's Wedding

Ann - posted on 09/14/2013 ( 102 moms have responded )

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First off, I want to say that as a mother - meaning the one who gave birth, I am strangely (ironically) unable to find many supportive post to mothers (of my kind). There are pages and pages of posts in support of step-moms - asserting their "rights" and what do do about the "evil mom," any way it's bizarre to me.
Anyway, my situation is: dad snuck around with my "best friend" for several months behind my back, of course - after SHE told me (the nerve) that he was attracted to her, and that she would "never do anything to severely fuck over a friend." Come to find out, she had been preparing the ground (listening to my ever woe about the relationship, including our love life woes (I was not feeling it at all post child-birth), his trust fund..., just waiting for hte chance to snake in... Anyway, I despise this woman... and it's been two years now. He left us when my son was just one, and has done very very little, only the minimum and only because if he didn't he would lose his Greencard (Dutch guy). Very lazy, very pampered man who only wants his son if he can be handed to him on a silver platter. Basically, this woman, who I think I've made it clear I despise (did I mention she has about 20 self-help books and numerous gurus and cannot eat a meal without blessing it with some blessed metal crystal thingamagjig) is paranoid, possessive and neurotic. And has manipulated my son's father into thinking that his rights go above his duties. Basically, because (they just got married - he needed his Greencard because the work visa was unable to be renewed for a third time - and somehow now that they are married I'm supposed to embrace her?) I did not want her to be around my son. She has disrespected me tremendously - and does any of this even matter? I have always encouraged my son's dad to be in his life, yet he has refused to visit or see Bastien at all unless he can take him home to this very important woman. We finalized a consent decree and all he asked for was 3 days a month! And only if I do half the driving. This man has a trust fund worth hundreds of thousands, which allows him to work at a health spa making next to nothing, and paying next to nothing in child support, while I bust my balls giving my son everything (almost all of my income spent on the best education, not paid for by his father, toys, etc., while I have 5 pairs of underwear).

Anyway, the dad didn't even bother to tell me about the wedding, and by the way, they are already married, there is just a ceremony, with his family flying in, etc. He wants our son to be there. I obviously don't. Child is only 3. He has yet to learn about death and the afterlife, let alone, marriage and love. I do not want him to bless this wedding. Call me crazy. To the father, he is just an accessory. Dad doesn't come to his dance performances or soccer games. Can't be bothered. Any one out there feel me? Can't I just say no?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Denikka - posted on 09/16/2013

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Ann, you've heard from moms in that situation. Now hear from a child of an uninvolved father.
My dad has never really been in my life. I was less than 6 months old when he and my mom split up (her choice). He was in and out, sporadically, for a few years, until I was about 4 years old. My mom and grandparents decided that it would be better for him to not be involved in my life at all than to be involved here and there half-assed.
While I do support their decision to tell him to man up and be a dad or to get out (after that incident, he did not contact me, or attempt to contact me, until I was almost 16), to this day, it hurt me that he didn't include me in the special events in his life. He has a wife now and 5 children. I did not get to go to the wedding, and that hurt me so badly. I was not there for any of the pregnancies, any of the births, any of my sibling's birthdays, Christmases, Easter's or any other special occasion.
Because I didn't have contact with my father, I missed my Uncle's wedding, getting 3 cousins (my aunt had 3 children previously), and I missed out on the birth of my youngest cousin.
I am angry with my father for making me miss out on all these special days. For not having the opportunity to be there. If I EVER found out that I was invited and my mother (or grandparents who I ended up living with permanently when I was 6) had said no, I don't think I would ever forgive them.

It's not about what you think or feel about the situation. It's not even about what his dad thinks or feels about the situation. At 3 years old, all your son is going to know is that his father wanted to involve him in a very important day in his life. That's ALL.
Regardless of the actual reasons, even if they are selfish on the part of his dad, his dad's new wife, whatever. It doesn't matter that all it is is a photo shoot and chance to posture and pat himself on the back. Your son has zero understanding of that part of it.

Even if, later on, as you say, he will understand your reasoning behind not letting him go, it will be an intellectual understanding. I am 24 years old. I understand why my grandparents and my mom asked my dad to stop being a part of my life. I understand why I wasn't and couldn't be involved in all the special occasions.
But in my heart, I am still angry. I am still hurt. I still have moments, when I think about it all too deeply, when I want to stomp my feet and throw a tantrum and scream it's not fair!
It ISN'T fair. As the mother though, really as either of the parents, it's your job to be able to look back in 15-20 years and say, as the best parent I could be, *I* NEVER did anything that got in the way of my child's relationship with the other parent. It was never MY fault that my child missed out on visitations, holidays, special occasions.
As others have said, you cannot control your ex or how he conducts himself in the relationship with his son. You can only control how you act.
And while, no, you don't have to go out of your way and inconvenience yourself, and yes, you should be putting yourself and your son first, you should also not be inconveniencing the relationship with his father in any way.

Honestly, were I in your situation (that you've outlined here, obviously there's a lot more that we can't know about), I would let my child go, and let my ex know that I knew exactly what was going on (knew about the ceremony, etc and that it wasn't *just* an extra weekend) in polite terms, and let him know that you're GLAD that he wants to involve his son in his special day, but that you would appreciate him being honest about the activities that were going on instead of keeping them hidden.
It's hard to swallow everything and be excessively polite, but it's better to show your son that you are the bigger person. He'll see his dad in a realistic light soon enough.

Michelle - posted on 09/17/2013

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**************Mod Warning*************

I think the OP has had plenty of responses and this is now just going around in circles.
I'm locking this now.
Michelle,
WtCoM Mod.

[deleted account]

If he wants to be a dad he should be a dad not just act like it when it's convenient or try to make himself look like a great dad in front of others. If you haven't been in her shoes you shouldn't judge. Posting here isn't always about answers but support.

Michelle - posted on 09/15/2013

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Your son being there just him being with his Father on a special day. He's only 3 and he doesn't know that him being with his Dad is supporting anything. He'll see it as a party with his dad.
You need to talk with your ex and let him know that he needs to be truthful with you about why he wants "extra" time with his son.
You also can't make someone be the parent you want them to be. Everyone has different views on parenting and unfortunately we sometimes have children with someone who is the complete opposite to us. It's what makes the world an interesting place, differing views and opinions make for healthy debate but can also be very frustrating.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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You've said it, Hollie. Opinions, not nasty judgments - especially from people who aren't here to help, but are rather here to justify their own lives. Look, people, I was almost ready to call the ex today and to "be the bigger person" as some of you have said I would be. Then I continue, even after pleading for it to stop, to get more nasty judgments, criticism and taunts from people who are just wasting my time and taking up space. That does NOT HELP. All it does it put me right back on the defensive. So if you really are interested in what is "best" for my son, instead of proving that you are a pushy, stalking, know-it-all, then RESPECT my request to decide FOR MYSELF what is best, and also what kind of advice is helpful and what is not. Jodi, you are BEYOND WRONG and your persistence to prove a point is just greedy and pithy. I am fine with people disagreeing with my QUESTIONS, again, no actions have been taken, except positive day in caring and always do what is best for my son, so you can just shove it. You are NOT HELPFUL.

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Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Dove, why should I lock the post? Because you insist to continue heckling me instead of offering any respect, kindness or support? Or just staying quiet? Go on, keep criticizing, get it all out. I hope that at least YOU benefit from it, because I certainly won't.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Dove, what I don't want to hear is people assuming that they know what I want to hear. What I don't want to hear is nasty JUDGMENT. You have no idea what I have been considering and not considering since I have to spend all my time defending myself against self-righteous people who think they know what is best.

Dove - posted on 09/17/2013

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* I was almost ready to call the ex today and to "be the bigger person" as some of you have said I would be. Then I continue, even after pleading for it to stop, to get more nasty judgments, criticism and taunts from people who are just wasting my time and taking up space. That does NOT HELP. All it does it put me right back on the defensive. So if you really are interested in what is "best" for my son, instead of proving that you are a pushy, stalking, know-it-all, then RESPECT my request to decide FOR MYSELF what is best, and also what kind of advice is helpful and what is not.

Really? Lock the post and seek professional help cuz if you are going to parent or not parent based on what a bunch of random, unknown women are going to say.... you need a lot more help than you will ever find online.

Ev - posted on 09/17/2013

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I do not want to sound mean or anything but you do sound a bit vindictive. You are talking about the father of your child for Heaven's sake. Its not about you anymore but this child. I could care less what his wife is like or what she did to you. She has not hurt the child in any fashion that you have placed here. You have not said that the child is in danger. You should not keep this child away from his father on his dad's special day even if you do not approve. The boy should spend that time with dad anyhow no matter how much he does not understand. My daughter got married and her little sisters were one and three and the flower girls. They do not know about love, marriage, afterlife, death, taxes either and they are now five and three. I do not get your point. You obviously do not like this woman so fine...hate her, dislike her, whatever, but do not keep a child from his father no matter the occassion.

[deleted account]

I understand that. .....but when a poster asks to leave them alone move on. It is disrespectful and flat out mean. This is suppose to be for support. People don't need ro cram their advice down the posters throat. Horrible behavior. Maybe she wants opinions just not nasty judgements

Dove - posted on 09/17/2013

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If the OP doesn't want to hear it... she is welcome to lock the post. Until that point... anyone and everyone is welcome to leave their opinion on this situation.

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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Hollie, just to quickly correct you, you can't actually block anyone from posting in your conversations in a public community. You can only block them from sending private messages. Actually technically you can't block them from sending you messages either, you can only block yourself from reading them. And no-one is bashing anyone. Only telling it like it is. People don't have to agree with the way she is choosing to do things. When you post on a public site, you get what you get. Learn to take it or leave it.

[deleted account]

Omg! Leave the lady alone. You can block people. It's so sad this is a bashing site. Who are you to tell anyone what is alright and what's not.? Move on! You are just trolling now.

Dove - posted on 09/17/2013

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Been there, done that... can fully relate to what you are feeling and have no doubt that you really do want to do what is in the best interest of your child.

That being said... I 100% agree w/ Jodi, Shawnn, Michelle, and whoever else is telling you that letting your son go to this wedding party is the right thing to do.. FOR your son. People have already tried to tell you why and it seems as if you don't want to hear it... so I won't bother.

I know you are hurting and you have every right to be angry at your ex and his new woman.... but your son has a right to know and love them and spend as much time w/ them as the father can be bothered... even if it's only on a off and on basis. A relationship w/ his father is a BIG deal... you are so upset that he doesn't want to be the father that you want him to be... but he wants this day and that makes it a big deal for your son.

Rhiannon - posted on 09/17/2013

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My daughter didn't attend her fathers wedding. He had it booked for the week she started full time school and it was the other side of the country, these were the practical reasons I gave. However I also felt that he just wanted to trot her out and put on a show for the day which is awful when he hadn't seen her for almost a year. My point is that unless you feel that your child is in danger from his father and his new wife or there is another pressing reason why he can't attend then you should allow him to go. When we have children we have to put our own feelings aside no matter how hurt we are. When he grows older he will ask questions and you will neef to answer honestly don't do anything know that could make your child resent you in the future. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but think about how you want your child to see you in years to come xx

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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Ann, this is a public forum. Anyone can post. Just for the record, you can't block ANYONE from posting in a thread. You can block them from sending you personal messages, but not posting in your discussion.

However, I will leave you to your happy and blissful life where you are clearly choosing to move forward for the sake of your child.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Jodi, I have asked you several times to stop posting to this thread. Why aren't you respecting that? That's a rhetorical question by the way. No need to answer. You are just wasting space and distracting anyone who might actually be helpful (as many women have who believe I should allow my son to attend the ceremony, but have done so in a kind way). You are simply wrong and overly judgmental, and now you are insisting on proving something to the community at large, and going so far as to criticize the way I posed my original question along with my attempts to explain it. Seriously, go start your own page. No one cares how all-knowing you are. You are still NOT helpful.

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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Seriously, Ann, if you had asked that particular question at the start, your responses would have been totally different. Even I would have responded differently. You didn't make it particularly clear at the beginning what you were after other than opinions on whether what you were doing was right or wrong. You can't now blame others because you didn't get the responses you were after. You also can't now blame others for defending their initial responses because they were being honest and truthful, you just didn't like the answers.

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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It would also have been a better start for you if your OP contained the question "how will my son will benefit from attending this wedding ceremony/" rather than "I do not want him to bless this wedding." "Can't I just say no". Because ultimately, that was the question being answered initially.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Go, away, Jodi. You are not helping. This is not about you and whether or not people understanding where you are coming from.

How I am choosing to act based upon my feelings is not the topic of discussion, and is not your place to state what the topic of discussion is - it is MINE.

The topic of discussion is how my son will benefit from attending this wedding ceremony. I have also asked for support from women who understand my feelings about NOT wanting him to attend.

You have failed by stating that my actions have done anything (I have not acted in any way yet, have I? The only actions I have done are positive, yet you don't get that. You are so certain that you are right, you don't hear anything else).

Do you hear that I am asking you to leave this conversation? Are you refusing to do so?

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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I have never said, not once, that she doesn't have the RIGHT to feel bitter and angry. In her shoes, I would feel that way too at the moment. She has every right to that - her feelings are not wrong at all. I've even said that previously and I stand by that. It is how she is choosing to act on those feelings that is the topic of discussion. No-one is saying she shouldn't feel this way. I am suggesting that her actions and decisions are clouded by these feelings. And that isn't ok. It is UNDERSTANDABLE, but not OK.

[deleted account]

She has the right to be bitter, angry, spiteful or whatever else she feels. They are HER feeling. That is like telling someone their feelings are wrong. And people were assuming way before she said anything.

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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"People are assuming bitter and angry."

Actually, she said " I do however, want to get rid of the bitterness - and pain". No assumptions.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Jodi, I am not punishing my son, and to think that you are saddened for my son because of MY behavior is ludicrous.

Now, please respect my space and leave it. Thank you.

[deleted account]

People are assuming bitter and angry. Instead of assuming a mom is looking for what's in the best interest of the child. Sometimes a new and too soon relationship is not in the best interest of a child. Obviously if a women comes into another family's home it is too soon. He cheated not the mom. Why is everyone up her a$$? Or is it because some of you were the other women? Either way even if she were angry.....HELLO it is her right! Someone else with the dad included made this situation. They could have gone it a better way if that could have even been the case. Cheating is selfish and unavoidable of you are an adult. No it's not the child's fault but this does show character for his dad. His dad new he had a child and didnot take his child into consideration when cheating.

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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I am here because of this:

"Yes, she was invited over for holidays (the entire time scheming to have what I had). I do however, want to get rid of the bitterness - and pain. This wedding/ ceremony is truly like a nightmare come true. The last thing I want is for this specific woman to be in my life forever - let alone my son's."

You are punishing your son because you are bitter, angry and in pain (your words). I am here to give you the truth. This woman IS in your son's life. You need to get over it for the SAKE of your son. It saddens me on behalf of the child that you are so bitter and angry. You can't get rid of that by not allowing your child to go to something that is YOUR nightmare. It isn't your child's nightmare, it is yours.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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I see you've edited your last post, which I responded to below, which is for the best.
You actually don't know what I do and do not want to hear (even though I've explained it many times), so please stop presuming that you do. Specifically what I don't want to hear are statements like "you just want validation; you are bitter and so your son will suffer; you are vindictive and ruining your son's relationship with his father."

That is NOT helpful.

For the thousandth time, I have already sacrificed so much to encourage and enable my son's relationship with his dad, while he has sacrificed nothing. If I choose to not allow him to attend, all that I have done will not (and should not) be negated. What I have done (and still do) not just on a daily basis, but SPECIFICALLY to encourage and nourish his relationship with his dad and his "other family" (like taking him to the Netherlands on my dime to visit with them) will vastly outweigh anything the dad has done (or likely will do). If any of you still want to judge me or call me names (even in the form of adjectives) based on this one decision, then please know that you are NOT helpful and I do not want t hear from you. However, if any of you can provide positive feedback, without judgment (on how my son will benefit and potentially how we will all benefit as co-parents), then yes, please comment.

I'm also happy to hear from women who understand why this is such a difficult decision for me, and can emphasize with that.

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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On a positive note, however, I do have one question.....

If your ex isn't the one who approached you and ask you if your son could be present to bless the union, who did? Clearly you were not supposed to know about it. So how did you find out about it?

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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"it's because you ARE being rude (Jodi even seems to say that I should expect that)"

Clearly you didn't read my post, because I didn't say you should expect people to be rude. I said you should expect negative responses because with the way you worded your post you immediately put people in a negative frame of mind and on the back foot. Totally different thing.

I am in support of all parties in the relationship, and in particular, ALWAYS the rights of the child. A child has a right to be involved in important family events on both sides of the family without interference from either parent.

According to court orders, my son is supposed to spend half of each Christmas Day with each parent, but because his father was selfish (long story, but it includes his recent girlfriend whom I have never even met - also keep in mind this is a father who pays $30 a month in child support and has done for years) he can now no longer live nearby, so that is no longer possible. Do I tell him "well, stiff shit"? Of course not. That wouldn't be fair to my son. Instead, I am extremely flexible and agreed to my son spending Christmas and New Year with his dad. After all, I see him every day, his dad hardly sees him at all because of distance that HE created. I can live with him spending that week with his dad, even though I don't "have" to. I don't see it as rewarding his father's "flakiness". I see it as trying to ensure that my son has a relationship with his dad when his dad is able to make the time and effort. I know you don't want to hear it, but my son appreciates it. He knows his dad is flaky. He doesn't care.

As I've said before, I actually DO get how you feel. I just don't get your attitude towards it and feel that it is YOUR ego that is taking a hit on this.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Everyone has an ego, Jodi. Even you. The point is this is my issue - not yours. I am the one asking for support, and I have told you repeatedly that you are NOT helpful. Respect that. By the way, you don't who what kind of situations anyone has been in. My situation could be as different from yours as Katie's is (but in a different way). I don't buy that you should be listened to more closely because you have gone down a similar road - especially when you seem to misjudge so much. Now, please back off.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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? Whatever, your negativity and judgments (I see you'd rather be bitter) is not helping, just like others' negativity and judgments didn't. All I get from you is time wasted. I have "bent" plenty, and do not need to defend myself anymore to people like you who think they are being helpful by drawing conclusions (based on one event) and name-calling.

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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"There was only one person who could get how much pain I was in and you had her blocked because you took offense (as though this was about you). Your posts made me feel much worse than anything she said to you could have (talk about egos). "

Firstly, I had no-one blocked. I reported her post for name calling. Entirely different thing. She is welcome to post again if she wishes.

Secondly, she actually doesn't get how much pain you are in because she had never BEEN in the situation. The ladies in this thread telling it like it is actually DO understand your pain because they've been there. They are choosing not to blow smoke up your ass simply because that's what you are looking for.

Thirdly, I am NOT the one with the ego in this thread. 'Nuff said.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/17/2013

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LOL...Ok, I get it. You don't want the child to be at an important (to his father) event.

Like I said, you can either be the bigger person, or the bitter one. I see that you'd rather be the bitter than the bigger. But, hey, that's your prerogative.

FYI, I did read the entire 4 pages of posts, and I see a woman who is bound and determined to fight against the man who created this child with her, no matter what, who cannot see that if she bends here, and lets the kid go with his dad for one day (you don't even have to make it an "extra" day in the month, just one of the 3 requested) so that the kid can be included in the family's celebration, that maybe, just maybe later on, she'll feel that she made a good choice FOR HER SON.

Because that is ultimately what this is about. It is about the benefits to your son. Not to you, not to your ex, but to the child that you both created.

Oh, and by the way? I called him scum. Never said you did. That's my opinion of a man who'd use one woman to get his green card, and then jump to another because he can. Again, all for the green card. But, he still has the right to request that his son be in attendance at a family event, just like you have every right to refuse. But, it's been my experience that the more defensive a person gets, the less they really think that what they did or decided was right...

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Uh, no. I never said he was scum, although if he were "scum" I would not in fact allow him to be with my son, period, father or not - at least not without supervision.

And, no, again. He does not have a "right" according to the court to spend this day with his son.

And, again, the family who is here visiting are here for six weeks, so they have 41 other days that they can spend with him.

Seriously, do not jump in an criticize unless you take the time to read the whole post. You are just back-tracking, and it's useless.

One more thing - if a three year old is not able to understand what a wedding is, then he shouldn't be asked to take part in blessing it - that's my whole point.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/17/2013

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Just wondering one thing. How bloody much do you think you need to "explain" to a 3 yo about marriage???

The man is his father. As much as you may now dislike the man, you once thought enough of him to have created this blessing in your life with him. Just because the man is scum doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to spend time with his kid, and have him there at important times of his life.

And, unless your custody agreement states that "no contact with any other female that is in a relationship with the man" is to be had, then, he has every right to ask for the child to be involved in an event that his side of the family will be at. If he's here on a visa, then how many times with the child's other family members get a chance to interact with the child?

You can either be the more generous one in this situation, or the more bitter.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Actually, Jackie.

I do want to say that I appreciate some of what you said - basically you seem to be advocating "blanket" forgiveness - for the sake of us all (including me). I definitely want to avoid planting negative seeds in my son's heart or making him feel as though he has to choose, which is why I've stressed that if he were to attend this wedding, I would have to discuss it with him, and that is something that I am not sure I am capable of doing honestly and at the same time without generating confusion. I simply cannot pretend to like her because I do not trust her and fear her influence on my son. I wish this were not the case, but it is.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Jackie, I'm not going to respond to your post again (warning me to do this and not do that, because I have already responded to it earlier, and it is the type of post that puts me on the defensive).

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Yes, she was invited over for holidays (the entire time scheming to have what I had). I do however, want to get rid of the bitterness - and pain. This wedding/ ceremony is truly like a nightmare come true. The last thing I want is for this specific woman to be in my life forever - let alone my son's. I simply do not trust her and know first-hand how conniving she is (almost to the point of witchcraft, in other words, very very manipulative, sneaky, narcissistic, unethical - and paranoid to boot, which makes her even more dangerous). She even had me fooled, and I usually have good intuition about people. Basically, my son will not "care" one way or the other. Yes, he would enjoy the day, but he would enjoy ANY day he spent with his dad (even if all he did was sit around and watch his dad play video games). At the same time, he enjoys his life with me as well, and all the activities we do together. Will attending this bond create a bigger bond between the dad and the son, or would it just validate the dad's behavior? (Everything he's done in the past two years is A-Okay, because here is his son laughing and running around on his wedding day - and most importantly the day when his Greencard is secured). If his son is NOT there, will that cause him to think about his behavior a bit more, and maybe do something to change it? I am one who does not believe in "rights" without duty - except for children. The child has a right to a devoted father and mother (ideally). The parents rights should be earned. In my opinion. Yes, he wants his father in his life. Yes, he wants his mother to be happy. Yes, I give him everything, and will continue to. But again, this wedding is just one day. And the decision is a tricky one.

Jackie - posted on 09/17/2013

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Ann, it's okay for your son to be there. After all, is his child. Font think too much of what his not providing but pay close attention to your son when he is with his biological father. Babies, toddlers and teenagers need their mommies and daddies. Don't create a barrier. Someone's I know turn her own children agains their father and now not only the kids are suffering but she has to desk with the monsters she created. So, please don't ever talk bad about this child's dad to him. It's hurtful to him and to think to divide that love even to beacons nothing it's a bad thing. It's like planting a bad seed into your child's heart, it will grow in him. No matter what you don't do that. Let your child be with his dad. Don't waist your precious time and energy battling. You want your child to grow in a healthy loving home (yours) and for him to be happy around daddy, don't disturb that, I'd his father and has the right to get to know him as he grows and be loved by him despite the adult decisions you to made. Bottom, you and him need to be parents forever to this little boy regardless of a divorce. Be positive and stay focus on you and the well being of your baby.

Another tip, don't create a hateful barrier with your ex friend. Be cordial because you want your child to be liked and treated kind st that other home, so is you who needs to keep peace. Obviously, if the relationship between you and ex didn't work out you are at a better place so don't argue with him and never around your baby. I hope this is helpful.

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That's a tough call then. I'm one of those mom's that you're either sll in as a dad or not a dad. I am very flexible with my ex but refuse to let him use the kids to make himself look good. I would say give it thought and no one knows a child better then those who love them and care for them. In other words you will make the best choice for your situation when the decision comes to you. And remind yourself that you don't need to tell him about his dad....when hr is grown he will learn first hand and know the truth. I know that's hard when theysre young but will be tthankful later. Good luck. I wish I had the perfect answer but truth is there isn't one. As parents we all make mistakes and dought ourselves but we are all human. You're situation makes it harder since this women was once in your house in front of your child as a friend and all of a sudden this friend is with his dad. Your child will know at some point trust in that. Kids are smarter than we think.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Thanks, Hollie! It's an extra day for him, which is why the choice falls on me, making it more difficult.

[deleted account]

Here is another example of a mom looking for support and all I see are negatives thrown at her. If you don't have something supportive to say MOVE ON! This is suppose to be mom's supporting mom's.

I would feel the same way. Check with your ddivorce decree. It normally lists the specifics on the days he is to have the child and if he gets "vacation" days and how much notice. I would start there to see if he has the right to ask.

A - posted on 09/17/2013

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Well I am happy something I said makes sense- I hope you make the best decision for your boy.

Let me to explain, my husband's mom was in the same position- except the new wife was not her ex best friend. Now I am not sure if he wanted my husband to be in his new wedding- but my mother in law always let her ex husband take his son wherever, never denied access no matter what type of father he was- basically took him briefly to pat himself on the back, etc. My husband learned what type of father he was. He is the same way when it comes to his grandson, but we won't deny access if he wants to see him.

We don't do it for his sake, just for our sons.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Actually, Angel, I don't mean to group with you Jodi. A couple things that you have said actually have gotten through, like: "I gave you a positive reason- you would be the bigger person in this situation. Your son would get to spend a day with daddy." (It is true this would make my son happy). It's just that I've had to filter through the other things (you are too bitter, etc.).

Jodi on the other hand began this dialogue with a bias (I believe she immediately related to the "crystal" demographic and wanted to stick up for it - although I could be wrong. Just an intuition.

And just to be clear, I never set a negative tone "towards mothers in the community." I was simply expressing frustration that I could not find a demographic that was in my shoes (mom's dealing with step-moms). And through perusing the website, I do indeed see that this demographic is lacking. In any case, that's neither here nor there.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Angel, it's not because I don't like "the answer" that I think you are being rude, it's because you ARE being rude (Jodi even seems to say that I should expect that). I have told you what is helpful and what isn't - please try to respect that.

A - posted on 09/17/2013

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we do understand the problem, but we don't understand the solution. Just because you don't like the answer doesn't mean we are being rude.

Ann - posted on 09/17/2013

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Jodi,

Wait a minute, aren't you one who believes in "equal rights" (without merit)? Which would mean you should have disregarded my tone and treated me "objectively" as you claim to have done. There was only one person who could get how much pain I was in and you had her blocked because you took offense (as though this was about you). Your posts made me feel much worse than anything she said to you could have (talk about egos).

Or, at the end of the day are you really all about an eye for an eye? Someone is hurt and expressing pain, confusion, negativity, so you give it right back? But not if there's a wedding involved? Hmm, interesting ethics. Sounds canniballistic to me. And to answer your question, yes, I did "expect" some understanding.

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2013

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Well, Ann, when YOU start a post with such a negative tone (which you did), I'm not quite sure what you expected. If you want positive posts from people, how about you be more respectful, right off the bat, instead of referring to people as not of your kind with bizarre opinions? You can't expect positive responses if you are going to set the tone so negatively towards mothers in this community.

Ann - posted on 09/16/2013

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Dennika, thank you for your polite and considerate post. This is much more along the lines of what I was asking the community for, and is something that I will take into consideration. I'm sure you understand how difficult it will be for me if I do let him go (then again, it's been difficult all along). What I really need to hear is benefits that would come from it (not a slew of negative adjectives and criticism).

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