MY WEDDING was Hi jacked !! is it wrong to want a do over ??

[deleted account] ( 21 moms have responded )

I no this sounds odd but my wedding was taken over, 3 years ago my husband and I got married at the time we did not have a lot of money we had but we payed for everything with no debt afterwards. I want to no if it is wrong for me to feel the need for a do over not because I am unhappy with my marriage because that's not the case my husband and i are in a really good place, but because I feel like my wedding that most girls dream of was taken from me, i did not choose my dress it was chosen for me, and honestly looked horrible on me, i did not get to do the whole dress shopping and trying on wedding dresses with my friends and family, i didn't even choose my bridesmaids dresses my husband and i did not choose the suits they were all chosen for us and when we tryied explaining that it was our wedding we were guilted into every decision that we did not want by both our familys i literally had one ( i say again 1) of my friends at my wedding because all the guest spots where taken by my aunts and uncles most of which have said a total of 20 words to me in all of my life and my husbands family that don't get together that often used MY wedding as their family reunion and ignored that fact that it was our wedding. my mom said she was going to cover the cake i wanted as our wedding gift and showed up with a cake that she rushed to throw together the night before everyone rushed everything to have it their way we didn't even get to say our vows we wrote because of people interrupting the ceremony the cake didnt get cut and my husband and i where rushed to leave BEFORE 11,30 pm we where practicly pushed out the door into the car and to top it all off after we were rushed out the door our familys went at each other like cats and dogs which turned into everyone being pissed off at us when we were not even there because we were forced to leave our own wedding... all that being said i feel like i deserve to have a do over wedding and have it the way i wanted my first nice simple and fun but i don't no how people will take it also i would not be accepting any gifts as i only want people to come to celibrate our wedding the way it should have been in the first place OUR wedding,,, please any thoughts

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Barbara - posted on 02/09/2015

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The guests are not footing the bill the hosts are footing the bill. The past sound sdistressing very sad in this case. Now how to change the future. Celebrate love and the affirmation of love and the future. Grieve try to move forward. Act as friends act. Think as friends think

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/09/2015

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Ms. Metsa, The difference here is that YOU chose to use your bridesmaids' choices of colors, YOU chose the colors for your wedding, YOU chose to make decorations to give out, YOU CHOSE. You also chose to have your wedding party in on the decorating.

The OP did NOT get to choose a damn thing. She didn't even get to invite who she wanted.

You did not answer my question either. If, as you say, the wedding is for the GUESTS, then are the guests footing the bill??? If not, then the guests don't have a say, INCLUDING mom & dad, in this particular case.

Barbara - posted on 02/09/2015

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Not being bridzilla I adapted my efforts to their colors. In my crown on my hair were flowers in jade green pastel peach pastel yellow and coral and white. I made it with help the ends of the pews had the same colors then each women had a fan wit silk flowers of the same colors and they got to keep that as a thank you gift

Barbara - posted on 02/09/2015

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Guest is a word in the dictionary as is the word hosts to be a gracious host to the guest. At my weddin the bridesmaids showed me that they each had more than one dress that had been worn at previous weddings so each picked a dress that was her favorite. Then they each gave me a slip of the fabric from the various dresses.i stapled these slips of fabrics to an index card. Bridesmaids took turns checking out stores that had price ranges on decorations and then had a meeting where we ate cake samples together. After comparing their prices I said thank you it was so kind of you to check prices . Then I went to the various stores and bought supplies and made silk flowers for the church aisles and

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/09/2015

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@ Barbara...Oh my...

"The wedding is for the GUESTS"????? Sweetie, DO THE GUESTS PAY????? No, they most certainly do not. The wedding is for the bride, and groom. THEY determine what/how/where/when and, most importantly WHO gets to attend.

If your GUESTS cannot get along at an event intended to honor YOU, then your guests (parents included) need to learn how to properly behave in public, at events hosted by others.

In this OP's case, her wedding day was hijacked by persons who were more concerned with their feelings and image than the most important people of the day...The bride and groom.

Barbara - posted on 02/06/2015

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It is a mistake to think a wedding is for the bride it is not so. The wedding is for the guests that is why they are called guests you are trying to please them. It is called hospitable behavior. It is a party to please the guests. So now your do over is called reaffirmation of vows and it is for you not for the guests. That is why it is at a destination far away at a vacation site then you control the event see it is called grownups respecting the marriage more than they respect the event. Make it as fairytale as you can afford even elope for the vacation reaffirmation wedding . Yes ". ELOPE" make it an adventure and only allow those you know can act in a grownups way to the "secret" adventure vacation elopement reaffirmation ceremony! Have fun and be a grown up on an adventure hurray yeah !

Gena - posted on 02/05/2015

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Guest WoW...your wedding sounds like a romantic wedding catastroph film!! Its good you can laugh about it now. The only thing that went "wrong" on our wedding,is that we envited a very old lady that couldnt walk to our place and we said a time we would fetch her to come bbq with us. When everything was over and hubby and i were in the hotel i remembered her..we totaly forgot to go fetch her...so embarresing. Poor lady was waiting and waiting.

Raye-nice to hear you also got married in black! I had a beautiful velvet black dress. I would never have wanted to get married in white!

Guest - posted on 02/05/2015

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By the way, in comparison.....we got married at a historic bed and breakfast. It was BEAUTIFUL, until 3 of my 13 and 14 year old cousins snuck into one of the guest rooms with a bottle of liquor and a pack of cigarettes and BURNED THE ENTIRE BED AND BREAKFAST DOWN!!!!!!!

Before that happened, our florist's truck was in a car accident on the way to our venue--no one was hurt, thankfully, but all of our flowers were destroyed, so we had no flowers. The owner of the B&B gathered the silk flower arrangements from all over the B&B and put them all over the reception hall--it was a sweet gesture, but nothing matched and it really just looked awful.....not that we had to look at it long--the kids started the fire less than 15 minutes into the reception.

I tripped on the very top step and tumbled all the way down the stairs to the flowerless alter. In the process, I tore my dress, broke my heel, and sprained my ankle. I had to sit down midway through my ceremony because of the pain and swelling and take a wheelchair into the reception hall--I wouldn't have been able to enjoy my traditional wedding dances even if the place hadn't burned down....

Also burned in the fire.....my marriage license and the camera the photographer used for the ceremony. She got out with the one she was using at the reception, so all I have are pictures of the dinning room full of miss matched silk flowers, the B&B going down in flames, and my new husband and I crying in each other's arms in front of the fire.....It was the worst day ever.

My marriage is pretty awesome though! And what I've learned is that stuff goes wrong, no matter how perfectly you plan it. You just have to roll with it and make the best of it!

Guest - posted on 02/05/2015

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I agree, do a vow renewal for your 5th Anniversary.

My wedding was a bit of a disaster too. Now we've been married for 13 years, and I can laugh about the catastrophe of a day......now.

I wanted a "do over" for most of the first few years of my marriage, but when the 5 year mark rolled around (that is the earliest acceptable date in my area), I had so much going on in my life that I just didn't care enough to do it--it just sounded like a lot of stress. Instead, I decided we would do it at 10 years, and settle for a really awesome vacation with our closest friends at a resort in Bora Bora for now. We got a great group deal, so it was less expensive than renewing our vows, we got to spend two totally relaxing and outrageously fun weeks in Bora Bora with the coolest people we knew and no family drama, and since several families went together AND the resort had children's activities, we got to spend a lot of romantic one on one time together--BEST THING WE EVER DID FOR OUR MARRIAGE!!!!

By the time the 10 year anniversary rolled around, I had grown to love my catastrophic wedding day story. I still thought about the perfect re-do, but by that time in my life, every time I thought about spending $20k or more to have my perfect day, all I could think about was all the different, better ways we could spend $20k......so we booked another big vacation.

Raye - posted on 02/05/2015

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Gena, for my second marriage, I also go married in black! We did it simple, only for ourselves, and under $2000. My MIL would have turned everything around to have it her way (expensive) so we didn't even tell her what day it was happening.

Devon, if you want to do it again, then go for it. I agree at 5 years would be a good milestone. Get the dress you want. Do it how you want. Then you can stop dwelling on it and enjoy your marriage.

Gena - posted on 02/04/2015

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Well if i were you i would use the money to go on a nice vacation and renew your vows there. My husband and i had an amazing wedding and we kept it so simple and small..i bought myself a black dress,my husband had his black military boots on and i did my own make up. I wanted a simple bbq in the garden at home and my parents did that for us. I was thinking of plastic plates knives n forks lol..they decorated everything so nice and we had proper plates. My friend is a professional cake maker,she made us a beautiful cake as a present. A friend of mine that i didnt even envite came to take pictures because she is a photographer. I dont know how much my parents spent for all the food and drinks..but hubby and i didnt spend alot of money. We didnt envite all our friends and family. We kept it small and simple and it was great! We danced outside to our song and listened to johnny cash. We did not get married in church. And people can think we are crazy to get married in black...i dont care,it was our wedding and we loved it.
Now my sister in law,they saved money and envited everybody...all their friends,family,co workers etc. She had a white dress that costed alot..they went to a restaurant with all their guests to eat. I dont know the exact amount but i know for sure they spent over 20'000swiss franks. Thats their choice. My husband and i personaly would never have spent that money for a dress you wear once,to pay to feed all people that you just envite because you "have" to envite.
I guess what i am trying to say is that you can have a wonderful wedding without spending so much money and you can keep things cool by only enviting those people you really want to.
My husband and i used our money to build a house and we went on a beautiful honeymoon on an island on the maldives! That would have been money we would have used to feed people we didnt want to lol. Why dont you use the money for yourself and husband..go on a wonderful vacation and renew your vows.

I will also tell you the reason why we did not envite everybody from my family. My mom has 8 siblings.. They are all married and have kids so its quite a large family. My sister passed away when she was ten yrs old. On the day we had church for her,a week after she passed away,the whole fcuk up started! It started with my uncle coming late into church..he was drunk and he drove drunk with his two sons to church. After church we went home with the whole family. I dont know exactly what happened but all of a sudden everybody was yelling and there was a huge fight. I had to take all my cousins into my room. Then they left and some of them are not talking to eatchother till this day. It was so disrespectful towards my parents to start such a drama on that day. You arent the only one with whack family.

All in all...you dont need to spend alot for a nice wedding,go on a special vaccation and dont envite people you dont want to have around!

Dove - posted on 02/04/2015

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Your family is whacked... but you probably already know that.

Personally I would not go into the expense of redoing a wedding, but I think a vow renewal ceremony and party w/ YOUR friends for your 5th anniversary would be pretty special.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2015

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Oh, and so we don't have to invite a ton of people, we were thinking about a destination vow renewal where we took our honeymoon. That way we can have a second honeymoon at the same time ;P

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2015

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I understand how you feel.

This year is out 10th anniversary and since our weeding day we vowed we would renew our vows. I am not sure if we will be able to afford to though. I wanted a new dress that fit me properly, a professional photographer, a d a cake. Nothing over the top. Just something sweet with close family and close friends. I get it completely. It is the day your start your married life together, and we all have our own take on how we want it to be, and what it means to us.

Maybe do something similar? Vow renewal at 5 years?

Jodi - posted on 02/04/2015

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It's just a wedding. The important part is the marriage. If I were you, I wouldn't bother. The money for another wedding could go toward something else. I've seen people spend thousands on weddings and their marriage sucked. Focus on the marriage. A wedding is a day. A marriage should be forever.

Sarah - posted on 02/04/2015

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Devon, look at all of the women who get what they want and have terrible marriages. Your day sucked, you have a story that someday you'll laugh over (probably). Go reaffirm you vows on a dream vacation.

[deleted account]

Well with the dress my aunt gave her wedding dress to my nana and said that I was welcome to have and cut it to fit and make it the way I want before I had given a decision they went ahead and began cutting it up leaving me with my aunt saying that her dress was cut up so I owed it to her to wear it and as with the bridesmaids dresses my mother ordered them all and and collected the money from my bridesmaids without my knowledge then when I mentioned about the dresses I was informed they all had them already and payed for and could not make them buy new dresses as go as for putting my foot down I had tryied many times and it got turned back around on me also this time none of the people that basically took over will be attending as well I am not wanting a big wedding again I want the same thing I wanted the first time a nice simple get together even in my backyard I would be happy

[deleted account]

Thank you for the reply ... It has bothered me everyday since the wedding like it is very disappointing as a women wanting her dream wedding then not getting anything that you want we did not have a buck and die or bachelor or bachelorette party it was just basically our family's showed up to take advantage of the free food and drinks which is very hurtfull

Sarah - posted on 02/04/2015

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If you want to go through the expense of a wedding, that is up to you. From what you describe, you aren't going to have any happy family trips to the bridal salon. If you paid for everything, how did you get bullied into such a mess?
It isn't the wedding, it's the marriage that counts. I had a wedding 23 years ago for 150 people on a tight budget. Rather than go thru the trouble and cost of planning a wedding, maybe you could take that money and time and take a wonderful vacation with your hubby?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/04/2015

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“we did not have a lot of money we had but we payed for everything with no debt afterwards”~~Good job! My husband and I did the same, 25 years ago.
“I feel like my wedding that most girls dream of was taken from me, i did not choose my dress it was chosen for me”~~At which point, you should have put your foot down and explained that YOU were paying, and it is YOUR day.
“, i did not get to do the whole dress shopping and trying on wedding dresses with my friends and family” To be honest, neither did I. I bought an inexpensive simple dress that was $65. I loved it then, and still love it today
“i didn't even choose my bridesmaids dresses”~~Again, the time to protest was THEN…
“when we tryied explaining that it was our wedding we were guilted into every decision that we did not want by both our familys”~~At which point I would have given them a choice: Either live with MY choices, and my husband’s, or hit the door and we’ll elope. Much less expense that way.
“literally had one ( i say again 1) of my friends at my wedding because all the guest spots where taken by my aunts and uncles most of which have said a total of 20 words to me in all of my life”~~So, were you a minor when these wedding decisions were being made? Why did you not assert your individuality and stand up for yourself?
“my husbands family that don't get together that often used MY wedding as their family reunion and ignored that fact that it was our wedding”~~Here’s where HE should have stepped up…

Ok, it sounds like one big dysfunctional family, and you probably should have stuck up for yourselves.

That being said, if you aren’t happy with what happened, and you want a ‘do over’…I wouldn’t call it a do over, for one, I’d call it a reaffirmation of vows, I wouldn’t invite any of my dysfunctional family, and I’d have very few attendants, etc. Personally, I can’t see the point of the extra expense, but I’m not you.

Trisha - posted on 02/04/2015

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Perhaps wait until your 5th anniversary and do it over again exactly the way you want. :) There is NOTHING wrong with you wanting to do a do-over. I only suggest waiting until your 5th, because you can celebrate a first milestone in your relationship. I had a disappointing first wedding as well. Unfortunately I got divorced only 2 years later, but when I remarried it was just my husband, stepson, witnesses and I in a city park. My husband and I then went off to a hotel in the mountains and did some sight seeing. :) It was beautiful and I loved it that way.

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