My wife got an abortion despite my objection

Concerned - posted on 02/07/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Need advice or another set of eyes for better perspective. I've been married for 5 years and have been with my wife for a total of 9 years. We have 2 kids together. Our relationship has not been the best lately but we were working on it. Here is a time-line of the problem:

1/23 = wife tells me she is pregnant but will abort if our relationship doesn't work out. My reply is we need to work on it daily and to absolutely have the child.

1/24 = wife scheduled abortion, asked me to accompany her in secret from her family and friends. I declined and told her I will have no part in this and if she does this it will devastate me.

1/25 = wife schedules marriage counseling for Friday Jan 29, I adamantly plead with her not to abort

1/29 = at counselor wife claims that if she keeps the baby she'll go crazy and we won't be together. We both asked her to clarify, she insists I'm twisting her words and never addresses the double ultimatum she gave me.

1/30 = wife goes through with abortion, subsequently seems relieved and shows no remorse. Then she goes on about how I'm a drama queen or diva because I'm incredibly upset and enraged about her getting an abortion.

I am truly disgusted, got a storage for my stuff and want to leave her. Sadly this would be to the detriment of my 2 small children whom I am an excellent father to, this really kills me. Btw I make good money so finances are not a big problem plus she works too. I can't fathom why she would give me a double ultimatum. I think it could only be that either way she wants the relationship to be over, or perhaps the child is someone else's. BTW even if it was someone else's child I would tell her to keep it as I would support it too even if I wasn't together with her.

Now let me be very clear I do not have any reason to believe the child is someone else's but that doesn't mean it's not possible. It never occurred to me to ask her if the child is mine when she told me she was pregnant nor did I bring it up at all again I doubt it's someone else's but what I can't figure out for the life of me is why would she tell me on one hand that if she is not going to be with me then she would get an abortion, then on the other hand she says if she has the child then she'll go crazy and hormonal and break up with me.

Now that she actually had the abortion she is walking around relieved and acting as if she is trying to work things out, she has the gall to ask me why I'm upset and not speaking with her despite the fact that I told her I am upset and do not want to talk to her. I am cordial for things we still need to get done, I do speak with her. Please understand I am NOT being childish nor am i avoiding the issue I am just so outraged that I want to choke her and I've never been a violent man.

Now she is acting as though she wants to work on our relationship. I am numb and do not know what to do all I know is I want to be far away from her however her choice is still causing me to lose my children if we break up. Any additional viewpoints or suggestions are welcome thank you for taking the time to consider my dilemma.

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Suzy - posted on 02/08/2016

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First off, you are NOT being biased because you are expressing your feelings and thoughts! Everyone has a right to do that and I applaud you for doing that in this forum, that is what it's for. I do not blame you one bit for feeling like you do. You suffered a tremendous loss and you need help to get through that. I am a woman and have had several children and I believe (my opinion) that the father should have just as much say so as the woman when this child is made from both of them. Of course, the women out here may jump all over me, but I don't care. I also have the right to my opinion. There are many resources out there that you can google to deal with the loss of a child. I suggest you look into that first. Deal with the pain in your heart. I don't know that you'll ever understand why she did it, I think that you may need to put that question away if you can. You will drive yourself crazy with that and may never know the answer. She and God are the only ones that know why. What you need to focus on is your healing. I would suggest you not make any drastic changes right now because you may regret them later. It's not good to make decisions like that when you are so emotional right now. Good luck with your situation and I pray that everything turns out right.

Suzy

Helen - posted on 02/08/2016

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Although she does not legally need your permission, in a marriage a decision this life altering is normally a joint one. Since she really didn't care what you thought, she would have been better off just not telling you and have the abortion. However, I think the fact that she told you but didn't care what you thought and then mocks you for your grief pretty much tells you what kind of person she is. And it is good you found out.
Coni makes a great point. If you stay with her get a vasectomy.

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Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. I have known quite a few men who have experienced this loss and for them it truly is a death. The fact that your wife did this without caring about how you would feel about it is not only heart-breaking but also a sign of her character. The fact that she is now mocking you for grieving the loss of a child (which is how you see it) is even more upsetting. I think you really need to consider if this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you decide to, I would get a vasectomy and make sure you never have to go through this again. So sad.

Concerned - posted on 02/07/2016

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Michelle Wald billing, duly noted. I do not expect anyone to guess what is on her mind, more like a woman's perspective as to why a fellow woman would act like this. A sanity check if you will, I tried my best to lay the details out objectively but naturally the way I'm explaining this may contain my bias.

Michelle - posted on 02/07/2016

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All I will add is that if your marriage is going through tough times, a baby would only make it worse. A new baby puts a lot of strain on any relationship.
I have no idea what is going through her mind. All you can do is really think about what you want. If your marriage hasn't been happy for a while it may be time to move on. You have a lot more issues than just the abortion.

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Sarah - posted on 02/08/2016

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I am joining this conversation a bit late; however, if she'd conceived a child out of your union, would she have told you at all or just gone and terminated the pregnancy without telling you? At least she was forthcoming with the pregnancy and her choice to end it. Sadly, and through much litigation, the right to choose is exclusively that of the mother. Whether this is right or wrong is a matter for another thread. I am personally pro-choice but not for me. If I were to be pregnant, i would not terminate under any circumstance.
This is a huge breech of trust on the part of your wife and one you will have to choose to accept or not. You may never know why she chose to end this pregnancy, and that is really sad. To regain trust and intimacy, once lost, is a very tough task. You lost this child and all of the wonder a love that comes with the baby as well. You will need time to grieve and process on your own terms.

Concerned - posted on 02/07/2016

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Thank you for your assessment and you are right there are areas where "I" need to look at and decide if I am willing to live with this... I completely agree with that part of your statement.

Where I disagree is the notion that this was the best choice. Consider this: abortion for convenience gives women a pass to be deadbeats for example a deadbeat man is a man who doesn't want to be burdened with a child however if a woman kills a human in early development for the same exact reasons she is lauded- sorry but I find that to be insanely sexism and detrimental to both men and women. To me this was an act of murder and cowardice, particularly if her reasons are for convenience.

We are not strapped for cash, have two children, are married, her family loves me and I them, our relationship ship has not been great because she has zero sex drive and if I try to speak to her about it or even hold hands etc she pulls away. It's been like that for almost a year and a half. Also she is hiding the abortion from her mother and siblings - I gotta say I am dumbfounded and at my wits end. It takes a lot for a guy to post on a women's forum... I honestly am disturbed about why she would do this.

The wording of the title of my post does suggest I think she needs my permission, so I can see why you responded the way you did. Let me clarify this, she does not need my permission and I am fully aware of this HOWEVER, there is no way she can reasonably expect our relationship to ever be the same AND she still has not told me why she gave me double ultimatum (she will abort if we're not going to be together then she changed it to she will go crazy if she has the child and leave me) when confronted and asked to clarify why she aborted and why she gave me an ultimatum she claims I'm twisting her words yet provides no explanation.

Now she is attempting to tell me she wants to work on our relationship. I guess a part of me is hoping some of you out there may be able to shed some light into why a woman would behave like this.

Apologies in advance if any of my posts sound like it's all about how I'm a victim and she's so terrible- I do not need to be coddled or berated, I am man who suffered a loss and and desperately trying to cope as well as understand what goes on in a woman's mind to make her do this. I am a man and I feel deeply hurt, I can only imagine what it would take to drive a mother to abort her own child.

MaryAnn - posted on 02/07/2016

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First things first... Your wife did not need your permission. I fully understand why she would have gone back on her word; the relationship can not be fixed that quickly.
Now. You need to adk yourself this: can I get over this? Notice the wording... Forgiveness isnt necessary. She does not need you to forgive her for making the best decision- the one only SHE can make. You really need to understand that bit. You may need a few days to think about it- possibly away from the wife.
If you cant get over this, it may be time to call it quits. Its no good for your children to be exposed to the hostilities between you. If you CAN get over it, please consider that you may not be able to do so on your own. Consider the kinds of help you may need.
Does your marriage need more intimacy?
More time apart/alone activities?
Counselling? Marital or individually? Financial counselling?

Helen - posted on 02/07/2016

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Honestly it sounds to me like she had something to hide. The desperation and relief sounds like fear of being caught. And what's worse is she was trying to make you the bad guy! I know what a difficult decision this is but maybe some time apart would help. But don't do anything until you talk to a lawyer.

Concerned - posted on 02/07/2016

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Thank you both for responding... I am going crazy trying to understand why she would do this? I could be wrong but I now think she is hiding something (either she really wanted to break up or it was someone else's).

The crazy thing is, she never ever approached me to "work on our relationship" it was always me, now after her abortion she sends me messages such as she is fighting for us, etc. to me this is very unusual and suspicious behavior.

I realize none of us are mind readers but when I asked her in from of our marriage counselor why she gave me a double ultimatum, she shuts down and says I am twisting her words, then when asked directly to say exactly whatever she is trying to say, she does not answer.

Dove - posted on 02/07/2016

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Honestly... I would never be able to be w/ anyone that would even consider abortion as an acceptable act. If any man asked me to get an abortion our relationship would be over.

You have to decide what you can live w/ here. Either way I urge you to seek counsel separate from your wife, so you can grieve your loss and sort your feelings.

You do not have to be w/ her to have a relationship w/ your children. While living in separate homes is certainly a different life than everyone living together... you have just as much right to continue to see and parent your children as she does... You can get a lawyer and pursue 50/50 custody in court.

Helen - posted on 02/07/2016

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So sorry you are going through this! I can't imagine how much this must hurt. This is a pretty big thing to try and forgive.
I am a bit of a control freak so I think the first thing I would do is go to see a lawyer and get the facts about custody of your children and what your rights are.
Keep your kids as your focus but not to the detriment of your mental health. They need a strong father it sounds like.
Best of luck!

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