nabys daddy issue confusion to the max

Kris - posted on 01/23/2014 ( 26 moms have responded )

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My daughters father has a new girfriend but still flirts with me and trys to touch me in a sexuall manner. What should I do ? I'm confused because he is showing me mix signals and plus we were having sexual relations a couple of weeks before I found out hr had been buidling a relstionship with his now new girlfriend

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Susan - posted on 01/24/2014

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Hunny, he loves you, he cares for you, fancies you, but he is not in love with you. Otherwise, he woudlnt be with his girlfriend if you were the one. Also, cos you are allowing him to take care of you in certain areas, it makes him feel like a man, so the more you let him and thank him, the more he is going to do it. Until a woman comes along and needs him more. Men love to help woman especially the ones they care for!!! Perhaps, he is waiting for a signal from you in which to trigger his love to turn into something more serious cos he's scared to just approach the subject, or it could be that he has self-esteem issues and needs you to want him to feel good..

All I can say is, if you truly want this man, then you need to tell him and show your vulnerability (look it up – cos men love and need that) otherwise it will be too late and there will be a step-mum on the horizon and shared custody for yr child. If you dont want to save this realtionship and be serious as a family, then I would ask him to kindly stop with the touching sexually, cos you need to have boundaries and be of high value. Look that up too. Good luck xxx

Jenna - posted on 01/23/2014

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Kris!

Been in the exact situation with the father of my daughter!
It was difficult because I truly loved him and in turn let him string along my emotions and feelings for a very long time.
It was soooo hard to break out of this cycle and even when he had a “new girlfriend” I felt like their relationship could never compare to what we had.

Eventually I realized how unhealthy it was for my daughter to see all of the mixed signals and believe me kids definitely pick up on those kind of things.
Once I set some boundaries, we are still friends (fortunately) but we only discuss our child and keep our relationship about co-parenting.
It’s tough especially if you’re still in love with him but if he is moving forward and has a new girlfriend, you need to move on as well and let that part of your relationship go.

If you need a friend I’m here reach out and we can chat, I can relate as I have shared those same experiences. Check out my blog, you might be able to relate to some of the Baby daddy drama lol

www.teenmomtheaftermath.com

Jenna

Angela - posted on 01/27/2014

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Amrita, you are well rid of that man! But I do hope you are getting your full due in respect of maintenance for your 2 children.

A man like that doesn't change. His wife will only be getting crumbs as well - trust me on this.

Many years from now when he's a lonely old man he will regret the way he's treated you, your children and anyone else along the way that's had time with him. I know a man this happened to and if you PM me I'll give you the full details.

Your ex and his issues aren't your problem though!

Angela - posted on 01/26/2014

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Get real everyone! He is trying his luck. As Michele said "Men also have their own brains but most of the time they are ruled by the mini brain between their legs. "

Or as my own husband calls it "thinking with the wrong head!"

I said in my earlier post he wants to have his cake & eat it - 2 or 3 others have said the same thing since I said it.

I'm sure he holds Kris in high regard, just not quite high enough to love her to the exclusion of all others.

He could string along BOTH ladies quite happily until *something happens*. What that *something* SHOULD be is that one (or preferably BOTH ladies) give him an ultimatum demanding faithfulness or they're leaving him.

The *something* that is more likely to happen though is either one of the women will hit some really bad luck - he will then go to the other one and the one with the serious personal or life crisis will be forfaken - they won't see him for the dust. Less likely - but always possible - is the opposite .... one of them could suddenly have some amazing GOOD luck - and he'll make a firm choice then - no prizes for guessing which one he'll choose! A handsome legacy, a lottery win (indeed, ANY cash windfall) or even winning a holiday for 2 in a competition - that'll get his attention for sure.

Don't be used Kris.

Susan, I don't agree with ANY of your posts. In particular your first post where you suggest "if you truly want this man, then you need to tell him and show your vulnerability (look it up – cos men love and need that)"

I think he is well aware of her vulnerability. She has a child with him yet he has left her for another woman with whom he lives and their little one is still in her infancy. So he tries to maintain some kind of relationship with her by offering "crumbs". Some men even do this when they DON'T have another woman as well. Showing him further vulnerability only puts to him that he might slightly increase the crumb ration to keep her on side but not give up the other woman.

No relationship survives on crumbs. This applies to marriage as well. Lots of people stay married to partners that only offer crumbs. Don't imagine marriage is a failsafe arrangement for a couple - it isn't.

The only thing I respected this man for is for leaving Kris when he found someone else. He could have stayed with her and kept his relationship with the other person a secret - i.e. offered "crumbs" to his other woman. But he decided to openly leave Kris in favour of the other woman. But now he's doing the crumbs thing with Kris which makes him an ignorant and heartless individual.

Sweep the crumbs away Kris. Respect yourself.

Michelle - posted on 01/25/2014

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And my point was that demanding a ring won't change him if he is an idiot. It just makes it harder to leave.

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User - posted on 01/27/2014

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Angela,
I have exempted that man from child support from both the kids legally. As i have mentioned somewhere earlier on this site, even beggars earn money, i needed a family and had dreamt of him being in the picture perfect family. But that was not the fact. These type of men do not realise, how much emotional hurt they do to us. Being strong does not mean that we r expected to go through all emotional pain. All I'm worried about is will i ever be able to heal? I don't want him back, but i even miss him. Im sure i won't take him back, but how can i stop loving a man whose children i kept in my womb twice and he is the only man i loved. I have never dated and that concept seems extremely wierd to me. For him its all normal. He has had multiple girls (i guess) but i have never loved anyone else. Its been almost 7 years i have been expecting things to turn around. He married just last year though to a woman he hardly knew. And that woman knew that we had a baby already and i am waiting for him.
Donno if this was destiny or …. donno. Ill PM u Angela.

I thank people on this site, every little thing they mention, i do read. It just means men out there r like that but i have never seen any man in my family, father or any brothers do this. So for me , its something i can't digest.

User - posted on 01/26/2014

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Angela,
For a minute i thought u were analysing my situation. I had to do this too with father of my child. I had to let him go and not let him flirt with me anymore. Hw openly told me he has decided to marry this other woman but still kept telling me when he was drunk that he does not love her. Finally when i gt pregnant again with his second baby, he just asked me if he has to pay child support of tht child and he asked me to drop it and just left. At that stage, i decided never to let him back. H came back to sleep with me again, knowing that i was pregnant. Just proffering "crumbs" as u said. He didn't realise what i must be going through. I had to get over that stage, keep strong heart and say goodbye t him. I stopped picking his calls, he finally got married in a month to that woman and is still married to her. Donno where he is but it hurts and decision of letting him go is toughest one. Or he would have just keep using me. :( (tears while I'm typing this) i know i made right decision, but the one that is hurt the most in this is ME.
Anyway, this is better than what would have been as i loved my self respect which i had lost somewhere. Im back on track and love my 2 boys to death. Praying that he never comes back but wish this would have never happened.

Cinderella - posted on 01/26/2014

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True he wouldn't, and I don't think he is treating her like that, he is obviously trying to give her affection, but we need to figure out why. Maybe you should ask him why he is doing this, and ask what he wants, and tell him that he most certainly can't have both. He must make a decision, and stay with it. You need to make it clear that you will not put up with this behavior because it's wrong.

Jodi - posted on 01/25/2014

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If he still loved her, he wouldn't treat her like a worthless piece of shit.

Cinderella - posted on 01/25/2014

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Does anyone think maybe he could still love her, because she is the father of her child, and even though he's found this new bundle of fun, he still deeply cares for the woman who birthed his child, it's a life changing experience for men, but that doesn't always make a man not look the other way when he sees something he likes. I'm not defending him, but you need to put yourself in his shoes. It really helps when you try to see it from his angle.
I don't know if that helped

Susan - posted on 01/25/2014

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Michelle - that's for another post. We're posting on this thread to help Kris which ive answered a few times. I can relate to her because ive too been there. And good luck Kris:-) btw Kris, take a look at thefemininewoman website Reene and David's advice are fab! If you want to grow and want to help your realtionship, and understand men, etc, I bet u would spend all week reading their posts.. xxx

Susan - posted on 01/25/2014

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Michelle... good for you. I did too. It is what a lot of us women tend to do. But so do men. However, my post was not about women like you... my post was about woman who have no self value and end up getting pregnant without the ring.. bla bla bla Please read it again.. xxx

Michelle - posted on 01/25/2014

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Susan: I did have the ring, the marriage, the house and still ended up being a single Mother of 2.
Just because you get married, doesn't mean he won't be an asshole. Men also have their own brains but most of the time they are ruled by the mini brain between their legs. It doesn't mean we allow then to get away with things just because we are married. We tend to put up with it a bit longer or try and work things out because being married isn't always easy and most people take their marriage vows seriously.
It's not just men that will get away with what they are allowed to, every person will do that, men, women and children.

Susan - posted on 01/25/2014

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Jodi - it wasn't my point tho. But yes, you're right, lots of beautiful woman with big hearts cheapen their worth without even realizing it in marriages and relationships and homes... Men will get away with what you allow them to at the end of the day.

Michelle Duvall - posted on 01/24/2014

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He sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. You got to respect yourself more than that. Just because he made a baby with you he is not entitled to treat you like a casual sex partner that he can just flirt with it have at the drop of a hat. It's not a good example for your child as they grow up to see that their dad can have their mom and other girlfriends as well. You are better than that- don't be blinded by love.

Jodi - posted on 01/24/2014

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Susan, you do realise all those things result in broken homes too, right?

Susan - posted on 01/24/2014

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[sigh] I just cant believe how so many of us woman are not high value and end up in circumstances like this. I wasnt myself once.. hence me being a single mother, single when pregnant. It sure woke me up I can tell you. Babies should be born into families, not from cheap shags! . Girls, please learn to love yourself more, demand a ring, a wedding, a family home before believing his story bla bla bla. Stop attracting these men, or at least put em in their place. Good men will only be attracted to good high value woman... If u allow a deadbeat into your life, then that is your worth xxx

Carmen - posted on 01/24/2014

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my kids dad tried to pull the same thing with me the only difference was we had broke up and he told me he moved in with his brother, well we ended up having a drunken night and I got pregnant again well he was still sleeping with me but we weren't committed and this is before I got pregnant. But come to find out he lied about living with his brother and was living with a woman that he had also impregnated and yes we were pregnant at the same time. He had been over there screwing her and trying to sleep with me as well while I was pregnant and seeing how she was pregnant too he couldn't have been using protection. We have been on and off for 10 years but this was the final draw! We had been talking about making it work and being a family seeing how I was pregnant and we have a son together than again I am actually his second kids mom he has 3 now including me. Well guess what when me and her found out about what he was doing guess what he did. He begged and pleaded to her and not me. He cried and said sorry to her a woman he had only been staying with for two months and has two kids from a previous relationship he treated me like I was the new thing after 10 years and two kids. It's time to leave him alone and I wouldn't tell her she will find out what type of guy he is for herself. Because after all this happened my kids dad was still trying to get with me behind her back and I told her and he made her believe I was lying because I still wanted him and she believed him he is still with this girl today. And since I put him on child support and stopped allowing him to try and go back and forth between us or string me along. He doesn't even reach out to me about our kids or nothing I have to call him he doesn't even, well let me rephrase he rarely even calls to check on our kids and mind you we have a 4 week old daughter the new woman is only a few months pregnant. It's not worth it! Let him be a dad and close the door on every thing else!

Marie Santa - posted on 01/24/2014

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He wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you know he has a Girlfriend you shouldn't involve yourself with him unless it has to do with your daughter. YOU'LL SAVE YOURSELF THE HEARTBREAK AND CONFUSION

Kris - posted on 01/23/2014

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Yess jena de la cruz ! Thank you so much I appreciate that you are right it is very hard I'm hopeful that one day he will break up with her and try to fix things with me so we can be a family just because he is showing me that he cares about me and also the flirting etc this is a new thing for me to deal with this new girfriend aituation it really caught me off guard so I'm just trying to make sense of it all. He doesn't know i feel the way i do i dont show it to him. But hes even took me shopping recently while him being with this new girl, so maybe i thought he was realizing that he really didnt wanna be with her. I havent sex with him either.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/23/2014

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don't let him string you along. Get paternity established, get custody/visitation/support established, and then make it fully clear to him that the ONLY communication that will be accepted from him will be in regards to the child.

Kris - posted on 01/23/2014

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I also thought by being nice to him this will help out our relationship as parents more i thought that since i wasnt having sex with him it was crossing the desrespect line. O dont mind cookimg for him or making him feel comfortable but and he still supports my daughter and is there for her everytime she needs him. I thought by making him a meal was something nice not desrespect full to myself .

Kris - posted on 01/23/2014

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Thank you so much angela i think you are 100% correct even the meals and the wants to make you feel at home you are so on point. And i do feel as if he is confused a little bit and still loves me and thats why . But everuthing ypu said made perfect sense

Angela - posted on 01/23/2014

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This is quite simple. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Don't be the sucker who falls for it.

He wanted a bit of "strange", a bit of "fresh" - hence the new girlfriend. He still wants to try & keep you sweet because you're his child's mother and very likely because if he can allow you to think that your "relationship" is still ongoing with him, you will ease up on an legal demands for more money to support his child and so he can make himself at home in your house, have you give him meals etc ....

You need to grow a spine and kick him into touch. No free meals, no free sexual favours, no intimacy etc ... You're NOT a couple. And why not inform his current girlfriend that he's been hitting on you? Actually no, don't try that last suggestion! If she throws him out he'll be expecting to stay at your place!

No matter how much you might want this guy to commit to you and be a proper couple, for your daughter's sake - just give up on this idea. He can't even be faithful. Do not read his crude attempts to get intimate with you as some sign that he really cares for you. Develop some self-respect.

Good luck.

Jodi - posted on 01/23/2014

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Really? He has another girlfriend and he still feels you up? He sounds like a real winner!!! I'm not sure what you are confused about. Whether he is a cheating, lying asshole that isn't worth your time? I'm not seeing any mixed signals here. Those signals are loud and clear. It's time you learned to read them.

Kris - posted on 01/23/2014

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The typos are ridiculous sorry. Babys daddy issues* he had been building a relationship*

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