NARCISISTIC DAUGHTER HELP IM ABOUT TO SCREAM!!!

Kathy - posted on 02/17/2015 ( 9 moms have responded )

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AT MY WHITS END ALL OF MY PAST HAS BEEN THROWN IN MY FACE ,ENDLESS TEXTS MY FAULT SHE IS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH HER KIDS. SHE CALLED ME NARCISISTIC .I WAS NOT PERFECT BUTSHE WAS NOT ABUSED ,I JUST DID NOT HAVE ALL THE MONEY TO DO ALL THE THINGS SHE WANTED.WILL NOT LET ME SEE MY 2 YOUNGEST GRANDKIDS. IF I DONT CHANGE THEN SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN MY LIFE!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO CHANGE. I HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF THINGS I HAVENOT DONE!!!! I AM A PRAYING CHRISTIAN WOMAN FORGIVEN BY GOD MY FAULTS AND SIN , SHE REMEMBERS THINGS I DONT EVEN REMEMBER., AND CHANGES THE THINGS I DO REMEMBER INTO SOMETHING DIFFRENT. ANYONE KNOW HOW TODEAL WITH THIS

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Raye - posted on 02/19/2015

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I'm going to try to take some of this point by point.
*Your past has been thrown in your face.* If you have done things to make your daughter not trust you around her kids, then you need to try to get to the bottom of it. If your recollections differ, then the truth is probably somewhere in between. She's not entirely wrong, because your actions apparently did give her very strong feelings about the matter. And you're not entirely wrong either, because you didn't feel that your actions were noteworthy. It's only different perspective, and you have to work it out if you want to have a relationship with her and her kids.

*Your fault she's having problems with her kids.* Could you elaborate more on this? Since it's bringing up the past, I assume she feels you're repeating with them the same or similar behaviors that she feels she experienced, and that caused her distress.

*You're not perfect but she was not abused.* Most likely true, but subjective. You remember things differently, and obviously your actions had a bigger impact on her that you realized (since you couldn't even remember). You may not have physically abused her, but emotional abuse can happen to varying degrees.

*If you don't change, she doesn't want you in her life.* She has a right to surround herself with whomever she wants, and to cut people out of her life that she feels are not good influences on herself and her children. You both will have work ahead of you if this relationship can be repaired. She's not closing the door on you completely. She's giving you the opportunity to remain in her life if you are willing to be respectful of her feelings. So, you have to decide which is more important... your family or your pride.

If you are a "praying Christian woman" then ask the Lord to help you find the strength to put your ego in check and begin to mend the relationship with your daughter. You may not feel you have anything to be sorry for, but really what does it hurt to apologize? Could you feel sorry that her experiences caused her so much grief? And could you honestly feel sorry if your actions (however unintended) caused her that grief? So what if she experienced things differently than you. Aren't you the least bit concerned for her well-being and that of her children? Or are you only focused on yourself?

Listen to her. You don't have to agree with her on everything, but you do have to be willing to make sacrifices or compromises if you want to mend this relationship.

Michelle - posted on 02/18/2015

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As a child who's Mother was verbally abusive when her 2nd marriage broke down and blamed me for it for over a year and she doesn't remember anything from that time, I suggest listening to your daughter as well. My Mother even says she never bad mouthed my Dad, but she did quite often.
Just because you don't remember things the same way doesn't mean they didn't happen. My Mother thinks she has been the best Mother in the world but she was anything but.
I have not brought it up with her though because, like you, she doesn't remember so what's the point in arguing about it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/18/2015

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Well, then that apple didn't fall far from the tree, now did it?

Respect that there are two separate points of view: Yours and hers. Both are equally valid (or invalid, if you'd rather go that route). If you can't try to see her side, and she yours, then this is never going to be resolved.

However, the first step is for you both to quit calling names...

Jodi - posted on 02/18/2015

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I am just going to say that I hate when people throw around the term "narcissistic" when someone is simply being selfish or annoying. If you haven't been diagnosed, or she hasn't been diagnosed, as narcissistic, stop using the term.

And your daughter remembers things you don't remember because they were a big deal to her, not to you. You need to respect the way she remembers them.

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Raye - posted on 02/19/2015

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And please don't write in all caps. It makes it difficult to read and is considered screaming. Maybe that's how you felt writing your original post, but you don't need to scream at people you're asking to help you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/18/2015

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Trust me on this, Kathy. You are not going to move forward if you cannot be willing to open your eyes, ears, mind and heart to LISTEN to what your daughter is saying, and be willing to make positive changes. BOTH of you need to make positive changes.

I'm on the other side of that argument. It took my mother YEARS to allow us to confront this issue, but now, years later, we are all a stronger family for it. Is it likely to completely tear your heart out? Yes, at first, it sure will seem like it, but it's worth it. (at least my family thought it was). Is it going to be instant? Of course not. May take years to get to a 'good' place, but again, worth it.

Jodi - posted on 02/18/2015

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"she is calling me one!!!"

That is an incredibly immature response. So what if she called you one? Grow up!! You name call because someone calls you names? And exactly HOW is that going to help the situation and help you all move forward? This is the kind of thing children do. Blame one another. An adult will step up and acknowledge when they may have gone too far and not resort to name calling because someone else is.

You are choosing not to recognise that your memories and view of your daughter's childhood will be very different to hers. How about you sit down and actually listen to her rather than dismiss her viewpoint? Her feelings about this are valid too.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/18/2015

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"I was not perfect but she was not abused". Investigate that.

quite a few adults in my generation would disagree with you about whether or not we were abused as children. My own mother thinks that she did nothing to us, but we have a plethora of accounts where we were beaten with implements (and would have been beaten much worse had our father not stepped in), and mentally abused as well. Never did we really do anything to deserve beatings. Punishment, yes. Beatings and degradation, not necessary.

A lot of parents, myself included, don't recall what happened, or what was said in the heat of a moment, but I guarantee that your kid remembers every single time you called them a name, told them they were worthless, or that they couldn't do something because they weren't good enough...and they also remember every single time you lost your temper for no good reason. It took my mother YEARS to come to terms with what we relayed to her regarding her treatment of us as children, but we are all a much better, stronger family for facing it.

Don't dismiss your daughter's feelings just because you're pissed at her because she may have pointed out a side of you that you don't want to recognize. That is possibly how this started...Address it. Handle it.

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